Transcending Pride

TRIGGER WARNING: Explicit language. Reader discretion is advised!

"I want to do the right thing and not hide anymore. I want to march for tolerance, acceptance and understanding. I want to take a stand and say, 'Me, too.'" - Jason Collins

 

Song Recommendation Based On Blog Post:
You Might Not Like Her ~ Maddie Zahm

🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️ HAPPY PRIDE!!! 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️

Talking To The Universe

"I'm going to need a distraction!" She shook her head and grabbed her phone, putting her playlist on shuffle, hoping that dancing around her room would distract her from her nerves.

She tried to get her nervous energy out, best it come out now in a dance session then when she's on her date!

"Ooof," she breathed out as she dropped onto the side of her bed after a couple of dance laps around her room, where she was surrounded by some of her ideas on what she could wear tonight.

"For someone who hates clothes shopping, I kind of hoped I wouldn't have as many options," she complained, looking back at her wardrobe. She picked up one of her possible outfit choices and took it to the mirror, holding it against herself, taking in her reflection from every angle.

Whilst she was looking over the outfit at hand, she noticed something in the reflection of the mirror. There in the background behind her, was a small shape, a sort of blurry figure, sat on the edge of her bed, kind of like where she was just a minute ago. She frowned and blinked her eyes, shaking her head, thinking that her vision must've gotten blurry from concentrating on one spot for so long. She opened her eyes and the figure was gone. I'm just nervous for this date - my mind's messing with me, she thought to herself.

She went back to her bed and put the dress down, and surveyed the other options before her, listening to the music that was still playing in the background. Bopping her head, she shifted through a couple of tops when the current song ended and a new one began . . . The guitar strums encompassed her ears and she knew right away what song it was. We all have that song, that one song that transports you to another time and space, where you're surrounded by memories. "You Might Not Like Her" was that song for her. She wished she could play it to her younger self. For her, this song was a message to her younger self, things she wishes she could say to her. That all of the things she hates and what she thinks about herself aren't true and that she doesn't deserve the self hate. That she should love herself and her body as she is because she may think that she's only talking and thinking bad about certain aspects of herself but in reality, all her brain hears and will process is her talking negatively about herself as a whole, which will make that cycle of self-hatred continue to go round. And another thing. She wished she could tell her younger self that having feelings for another girl doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you and that you're a "freak", or "gross". Why was she so accepting and loving of other people's sexualities and preferences but when it came to herself, that love and acceptance given to others wasn't there? She wished she could tell herself that there's so much more to sexuality than simply just being gay or straight. It comes in all colours and it can also come in different ways.

There's so much I wish I could tell you, little me, she thought to herself. There's so much more love and kindness for you to experience.

She sat down to fully embrace and experience the song. (She was also seriously procrastinating deciding on what to wear for her date but let's not go there!)

She smiled softly whilst listening to the music, thinking back over the growth she's made from her younger self to now. The pride and love she has for herself, her self expression, how she holds and carries herself. She never thought it possible.

She was starting to zone out, enjoying the song when a movement across from her caught her attention before she could completely lose herself in the lyrics.
She looked over and in the mirror, that blurry figure was back. She kept looking at it, trying to place what it actually was when a feeling of déjà vu started coming over her.

I must be seeing things. This has got to be a reflection of something else . . .

But there was nothing around her that was displaying that image.

She hesitantly took her eyes away from the mirror, hoping the image would be gone when she glanced back over.

However, when she looked back at the mirror, she instead saw that the blurry figure was coming more into focus, it was definitely a person . . .

What the fuck? She thought, her brain going into overdrive, "It obviously has to just be me," she stated out loud, trying to make sense of what she was looking at.

But looking more closely at the figure, and how it was sitting slouched down, almost as if it was trying to make itself as small as it could, she realised . . . That's . . . Not what she was doing. That's not how she was sitting. And if it was her, why wasn't the reflection looking straight back at her?!

Still looking at the figure in her mirror, her eyes moved around the image, trying to place what she was looking at, still thinking it must be a distorted reflection from a TV outside, across the street or something, coming through her window. Her focus went onto what the figure was sitting on. A bedspread that had butterflies on a black background with different coloured stripes going across the length of it.

"Huh," she said, frowning at the mirror. I've seen that duvet cover before, she thought.

She looked down to her own bed trying to place her recollection of the duvet cover, "That's where I know it from!" She exclaimed to herself. "I used to have that cover!"
She looked back over to the mirror.
Okay, this is weird, she thought to herself.

She stood up and went to the mirror, bravery coming over her. Getting closer, the figure gradually came more into focus and she could see that whoever or whatever it was, was definitely sitting on the edge of a bed picking at their fingers, ever so slightly shaking their head and scrunching their eyes tightly shut as if trying to shake a thought out of their head.

When she got closer, the image in the mirror got clearer, the surroundings came more into view as well as the figure on the bed . . .

"Holy. Fucking. Shit . . ." Her eyes widened.

The figure looked up at the noise and jumped, startled.

"What the . . ." The reflection started to say.

She stepped back, either she was losing her mind or this "reflection" had just spoken to her.

But it wasn't a reflection, not exactly. It was . . . Her. Well, her from the past. The reflection that was looking at her, scared and shocked, was a younger, teenage version of herself. She could see it clearly now almost as if she was in the same room with her. The bedspread, the posters on the wall, her hamster's cage on top of her drawers, she could remember her mirror being on the back of her bedroom door, and how she would also sit on the edge of the bed anxiously picking at her fingers.

"What's happening?" The reflection asked, standing up and approaching her side of the mirror.

Her current self righted her position and raised her arm, almost testing to see if what she was seeing would disappear if she moved and be replaced with her actual reflection, raising it's arm back at her.

Instead the "reflection" just slightly waved at her, confused and in slight shock.

Yep, that's definitely me, confused but going with it, she thought as she dropped her arm and wondered what to say. How was this actually happening . . .?

"That's . . . Me. You're me!"
"How can I be you?" Came the response from the mirror.
"Okay, um . . . What's the name of your hamster?" She asked her reflection.
"Rhino," they both said at the same time.
"What did you used to say your favourite colour was when you were little because you didn't want to say the real answer?"
"Light blue," they responded together again.
"Okay then, if you're me, what was my actual favourite colour and why didn't I tell anyone it?" Her younger self quizzed her.
She smirked, "Pink but you wouldn't admit it because you thought everyone would make fun of you and class you as a "girly girl" and that wasn't you."
Her younger self simply responded, "Well shit!"
"How is this happening? What's happening? Why are you not looking as freaked out as I am?!" She questioned her younger self.
"I read a lot of fantasy books so, this," her younger self shrugged, gesturing at the mirror, "Probably doesn't freak me out as much as it should. I always wanted to see something magic happen," her younger self joked.
Teenage her paused, really taking in what she could see in front of her, letting all the pieces completely click into place. She then said, "So that's what I'll look like when I'm older . . ."
"I'm not sure whether to take that as a compliment or not so I'm going to move on . . ." Her current self said, tilting her head, "You have to admit that this is weird? You've got to be freaking out on the inside but you're just not showing it, right?"
Her younger self didn't fully look her in the eye and was paying especially close attention to the floor.
Her present self smiled at the thought of it, feeling proud that she knew herself so well from back then.
"What're you listening to?" Her younger self asked, looking up, diverting the conversation.
Their question jolted her out of her initial shock of the events that were happening, "Oh, just some music. Hold on, let me pause it."

She headed towards her phone, pausing her music, so many thoughts going across her mind, one of them being that maybe when she turned back around, her younger self would be gone.

But when she did turn back to the mirror, her younger self was still there, watching her. "We're wearing jeans!!" Her younger self exclaimed when she got back in front of the mirror.
She looked down, "Oh, yeah! Well, kinda. They're, like, jeggings material . . . I know, I know, don't pull that face!" She laughed.
"But they seem like actual jeans! How are they classed as jeggings?!" Her younger self replied, grimacing at the thought of wearing jeggings.
"I know, I was worried about it too but I love these, they're so comfortable and they look good! Jeggings may be pretty terrible for you at the moment but all I'll say is, don't completely give up on them!"
The reflection of her younger self didn't look completely sure.
"So what's with the clothes on the bed?" Her younger self instead asked.
"Oh, I'm just getting ready for a date! I'm excited but nervous obviously, I'm just trying to choose the right outfit," she replied.
Her younger self lit up, "You, we, have a date?! Oh my God, who is he? What's his name? Do I know him already?"
Her current self's smile froze on her face and she looked down, it was now her turn to take special interest in the floor, not wanting to shock her younger self with the true identity or, well, gender, of her date.
She decided to interrupt her line of questioning and distract her, "Oooh, actually, whilst you're here!" She ran over to her bed, picking up two different tops. "Which one do you prefer: sleeves or no sleeves?"
"No sleeves. You know you'd end up constantly rolling them up anyway if you have them. Plus, from the looks of it, you've got some of those tattoos, I, uh . . . You? We? Wanted, so show them off! If you're worried, throw a cardigan or jacket over top, just in case!"
"You've got me there when it comes to rolling up my sleeves but you can keep the jacket," she turned round to put the chosen top back on her bed and the other on the opposite pile of rejected choices. "I'll be hot anyway, I don't need to add on anymore layers on top of how warm we get when we're nervous!" She laughed.
Her laugh was echoed back at her.
"Should we see someone about that?" Her younger self wondered.
"No, I know you get insecure about it, I sometimes still do, but it's completely normal and more people than you think also deal with it as well! Guess what? If you're nervous, your body is going to show it and that's okay! Just make sure you've put deodorant on before you go, douse yourself in a respectable amount of perfume and you'll be good!" She responded.
"Okay so we've learnt what's up with me, what about you? How're you? What's going on at the moment?!" She eagerly asked her younger self, continuing to take the attention away from her date and any information that might freak and blow her teenage self's mind.
Her younger self just shrugged and replied, "Nothing much, just the usual, school, homework . . . I'm starting to get into watching YouTubers, well, one YouTuber in particular . . ."
I really was the life and soul of the party, her current self inwardly laughed to herself. Despite the joking, she wouldn't change who she was and what she liked.
"What year are you in at school?"
"Year 9."
"Ooooh, right, how are you getting on being in the Drama form?" she asked, multiple memories coming back to her of that year, some good, some . . . Not so good.
"You're me, you know I love being in there! So today . . ." Her younger self went on to explain what they were working on during form time. Whilst present her was listening, her eyes were taking in her old bedroom. She looked behind her younger self's reflection, and saw her old school bag in the corner of her room. It was undone, with the day's school books still inside waiting to either be taken out to do homework and/or changed over for tomorrow's lessons.
Her eyes caught on the Music exercise book in the bag when realisation and sadness came over her. That's why her younger self was hunched over earlier, seemingly shaking her head at nothing!
Oh my God, I have to say something. I know she's hurting . . . She thought to herself, her attention going straight back to her younger self's reflection.
". . . And we're performing it in assemblies next week!" Her younger self finished explaining happily.
"That's great! Um, did you have Music today?" She asked pointing over to the school bag behind her teenage self.
Her reflection's face ever so slightly dropped, to anyone else, they would've missed it but to her, it was clear, she could see it, "Uh yeah, last lesson."
"What did you do?" She inquired, curious if the day was the day.
"Nothing much, went over some theory stuff and then did some work on the keyboards."
"Who did you partner with?"
Her younger self looked at her with a sad expression, ". . . Hettie."
She pretended to look surprised, "Oh not one of your usual friends like Erica or Ashley?"
Teenage her shook her head, "Miss wanted us to get into partners quickly so we could have more time on the keyboards and they were on the other side of the room so . . ."
Her younger self looked so deflated that she wished she could her hug her.
Her present self drew a breath in and questioned, "Something was said, wasn't it?"
Her younger self looked up with shock and a sad fear in their eyes, her present self could practically see the cogs working in her brain trying to figure out if she knew what had happened and how much, and how much did it actually go on to affect her . . . Them.
Her present self rescued her from trying to come up with an answer, "I remember it. Clearly. Someone had overhead us confiding in a friend about something that was on our minds and they then started spreading it around . . ." She paused, taking in her younger self's reaction. She was unmoving, listening to her describe what had happened perfectly.
She carried on, "You thought, and also, currently think, that you have a crush on your friend, Ashley. She and the rest of your "friends" found out and started making fun of you, they cut you out, and were talking about you. You've kept this worry to yourself for so long and were, or are, driving yourself crazy trying to figure it all out. Do you actually have a crush on her? Is it the same kind of crush you've had before on guys? Or do you just really like her being your friend? What does this mean about you? Are you gay? You can't be gay because you fancy boys? You're imagining female celebrities you like, imagining whether you would kiss or date them and seeing how you'd feel about it."
"No, I, uh," her younger self stumbled out.
"It's okay," she warmly smiled at her, "I'm you, remember? I've been there. I know how you're feeling, the pain, the fear."
"I'm not homophobic, honestly, I'm not! I just don't know what it would mean for me, if that's something I want. I mean, it's a big thing. Liking girls. It's a big decision, deciding between boys and girls, how do I know to make the right choice? If I do fancy girls and then go out with one, and then I realise I don't actually like them that way, I can't go back and say, "Oh, sorry, never mind," because then they'll think I'm a liar and making fun of them! So I couldn't go and say I like boys instead, I'd have to be alone! But what if I date a guy but I'm always worrying and scared that I don't actually like him because I may fancy girls?! It's not me. I don't want to have to make this decision. I don't want this to change my life and how people see me. I want to forget I ever had these thoughts!" She said worriedly, her hands playing with her hair, needing something to do.
She really is the definition of "Bi Panic" and she doesn't even know it yet, her current self thought, laughing inwardly.
"Trust me, I know you're not homophobic, you're okay," she comforted her younger self. "I've been there," she slightly laughed, trying to lighten the other's mood.
"Oh yeah," they looked up with tears in their eyes, "I just don't know what to do. I want this to all stop, to go away, I want to go back to before when I wasn't worried about this. Tell me what to do, what do I do?"
Her present self paused for a moment, there were so many ways this could go. The moment that she imagined happening was somehow actually here, explaining sexuality, the truth and inner beauty with it to her younger self but is that the right thing to do? Would it change anything considering bisexuality was something that, back then, still wasn't overly spoken about? Would that still cause her to spiral, worry, and shame herself?
She looked at the scared girl in front of her. The girl who only wanted to fit in and have friends, to not be a complete social outcast. Who would make herself small to fit into any space that would take her. She started to tear up herself.
"Look, first off, this fear, anxiety, the hatred that you've got for yourself, don't. You don't need too and I know that your head says otherwise but listen to me and your older brain . . . You don't need to hate yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. What you're going through, questioning yourself, who you're attracted to is completely, 1000% normal! More people than you know go through the exact same silent fear, and debate, and spiral. You're not alone. Please believe me when I say that and know that you shouldn't hate yourself for what you're feeling or thinking, it's not helpful. There's nothing wrong with you, no matter what you realise about yourself. I'll tell you this, who you're attracted to doesn't have to be your final decision if you don't want it to be. Your preferences can change, that's normal. Think about it this way, you didn't always used to like make-up but when you grew up and understood yourself more and your attitudes towards it, you learnt that you do like it but on your own terms - it's the same thing! Who you're attracted to isn't always set in stone, it can change if that's what you want and if it feels right to you."
Her younger self was hanging onto every word she said and she decided to tell her the truth, "You think you've only got two choices, lesbian or straight . . . But you're wrong. There's so much more! More than I could go through right now but I will say this - you can be attracted to both girls and boys. That's okay! It's nothing to be ashamed of or dislike about yourself, sometimes the choice you have to make is the choice to be you and like whoever you like."
"But people say . . ." Her younger self started to explain.
"I know what people say," she interrupted her, "But those people are wrong. There's so much prejudice and shame surrounding the notion that someone can be attracted to two different genders, but they are the ones who are wrong. Go easy on yourself, there's so much for you to figure out and learn about yourself, it's incredibly freeing! I know that doesn't necessarily help you now but know that there's nothing to fear, there's nothing wrong with you, and you're going to be okay!"
Her younger self smiled at her, her eyes were wet but she tried not to let it show, badly, because you can't really hide something from someone who truly cares for you.
"You know? You're pretty awesome. I'd be lucky to become . . ." She stopped herself, ". . . To grow into you."
"Believe it or not, you're pretty damn awesome yourself, kid," she replied smiling at them.
They laughed back.
"Be you," her current self said. "Love yourself and have some pride within yourself, you deserve it! Don't be afraid to express and embrace yourself authentically!"
Her younger self smiled, absorbing her words.
Both versions of her stood there taking in the other person when . . .
"Wait, what? You're starting to fade!" Her younger self burst out.
"What? What do we do?" She frantically asked.
"I don't know! But you're getting blurry!"
Her heart sunk, "I think this might be it. There's nothing we can do."
"But there's so much for us to talk about!" Her younger self said, looking around the mirror as if an answer would appear that would help them.
"I know, I'm sorry! I really am! Just stay strong, keep breathing . . . And," she trailed off.
Her younger self put her hand on the mirror beginning to become blurry herself. She put her hand on top of the reflection’s.
"Thank you," her younger self said quietly, grateful for the chance to meet, even for a small amount of time, another version of herself.
Her current self smiled, tears welling in her eyes, "I love you."
She blinked and when her eyes opened, her younger self was gone. She didn't know if she had even heard what she had just said. All that was looking back at her now was her actual current reflection, hand on the mirror, crying over what had been.
She sniffed and removed her hand from the mirror, a wave of love and honour washing over her.
"She's lucky to have you," came a voice from behind her.
She jumped and saw them sitting on the end of her bed.
"Jeez, what is it with people scaring the life out of me today?!" She exclaimed, her hand on her chest, trying to calm herself down.
"Sorry! I'm sorry!" They said apologetically, standing up. "I didn't mean to scare you."
"Can't there be a bell or an angelic sound play when you appear to give me a heads up?" She asked, smiling and shaking her head.
"What am I? A notification on your phone?" They joked.
She laughed.
"Did you do that?" She asked, looking back at the mirror where only a minute ago she was talking to her younger self.
They just shrugged, "You know, life is funny at times, with the conversations you can have with yourself in your room. They're sometimes the most beautiful ones that can be heard."
"Very cryptic," she said. "Either way, thank you for that," she nodded towards the mirror, "It meant so much to me."
They smiled at her, thankful that she appreciated the experience.
She returned their smile and then went to her phone to check the time. Her eyes widened and she looked over at them.
"Don't worry, I'll make myself scarce - good luck with your date!" They headed towards the bedroom door, allowing her to finish getting ready in peace. Before they walked out, they turned back around and said, "Oh, don't overthink about what you're going to wear, whatever you choose . . . She'll love it!"
They closed the door behind them.
She picked up the cute, off the shoulder, short sleeved black top that was on her bed. She looked at the top in hand, the one that they had both picked out, and beamed with pride

©️ Hey Universe, Did You Forget About Me?, 2024, all rights reserved.

(All names have been changed to protect the people's identities! This is a fictional story based off of true events from my life which do share similar characteristics.)
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What would you say if you could speak to your younger self? What would you do? (Besides freak out thinking that you've lost your mind! 😂) Would you tell them all the things you wish you would've known back then? Would you give them a heads up on what's to come? Or would you simply just sit and be with them, enjoy their company? In honour of Pride Month (Happy Pride!! 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️💕), I thought I'd share what I wish I could tell my younger self about the things I now know when it comes to our sexuality, that what and how we were feeling when it came to having a crush on another girl was okay, and how amazing and freeing it is to be your true self! 💜

I would want to tell my younger self what I wish I had known back then but, then again, that potentially opens up that can of worms where if I did go back and tell myself what I know now, knowing what I know now back then, would I still be who I am today . . . ? I think this is beginning to turn into an essay on time travel. 😳🤯😂

But you know what? Despite the joking (and the slight genuine concern 😂), I would honestly tell myself the things I wish someone had told me back then, the things I wish I knew because I could save myself so much self-hatred, anguish, anxiety, and pain. I would comfort her and try to help stop the overwhelming fear that there was something "wrong" with her because of who she had a crush on but wouldn't/didn't want to admit (spoiler alert young Emily, there's nothing "wrong" with you! 💕🫂). I would tell her that having romantic feelings for another girl is nothing to be ashamed of, it's not wrong, that there is such a thing as being bisexual, you don't have to just be "one or the other"! I'd tell her that sexuality is fluid and identifying one way doesn't mean that's the only direction you can go in and that's it, you can't change your mind for the rest of your life. Things can change and fall in more (and maybe even better) places when you learn more about yourself. Your sexuality can change, that's okay, that's normal, it's nothing to be ashamed of or think that you're "faking it"! That the things people say about bisexuality aren't true and come from horrible stereotypes, stigma, and shame, where in reality the true beauty of bisexuality is so much more than you could imagine. 🩷💜💙

And there's no place or room in love for hate. 🖕

Be true, be you, love you. Be safe. 💜🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️

Transcending Pride throughout different stages in life can come in many forms, from your sexuality, your relationship with yourself, the growth you make, the way you express yourself, the boundaries you uphold. You've come a long way from who you were when you were a kid, and you should damn sure be proud of yourself! Life can (and is) a shitshow so be proud of yourself for who you are, who and what you love, and every big and small thing that makes up the amazing person that you are! I think you're great and you should too! Don't let the bigots, haters, and constant pessimists, including those negative voices in your own head, make you feel like, "Hey Universe, Did You Forget About Me?"

Thank you so much for reading! 💜

Please feel free to comment, share, and follow me on my socials below! 💜🌌

All the best! 💜

Happy Pride! 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️

Emily 🩷💜💙

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©️ Hey Universe, Did You Forget About Me?, 2024, all rights reserved.