TRIGGER WARNING: Talks of death, dying, and hints of suicide. Reader discretion is advised!
In honour of OCD Awareness Week 2023 - keep fighting! ❤
As a kid, I was taught not to go out late at night and to make sure the doors
and windows were locked, that it keeps us safe, it keeps those monsters out.
But what do you do if the monster is already inside your home? And not under
your bed like the stories say but right in front of you? What do you do when
it's within the child your mother fought so hard to keep alive? What do you do
when you're living with the monster and when you look into the mirror you see
it looking back at you?
I was first introduced to this monster at 11 years old, I was enjoying the
novelties of being a kid until it became my roommate. What once were
things I enjoyed doing became things that caused me stress and annoyance to my
family. I will never forgive it for entering my life when it wasn't wanted and
I will never forgive it for making me feel the same.
I will never forgive it for what it took from me. For being the monster that
stopped me from sleeping at night, for being the monster that made me lash out
at my family and myself, I will never forgive it for hurting me so badly that I
didn't know if I would be able to feel anything else.
They say that by giving the monster a name and seeing it as something outside
of yourself, as a separate thing, helps you to distinguish and direct the
reasoning for the pain and discomfort from yourself to it, it reduces
their terrifying nature. So here it is . . .
This particular monster is not a blood-sucking creature and it's not a monster
that makes things go bump in the night. It's a monster that haunts over 1
million people in the UK alone. A monster that is wildly overlooked for not
being as soul destroying as it actually is.
This monster's name is OCD.
And to OCD, I will never forgive you.
Because of you, I've had to watch my mind deteriorate. I've had to watch as I
saw me not trust myself, to not believe myself, to not care for myself. To
watch someone who cared so much for others slowly destroy herself by something
others could not see. I had to watch as you made me spiral in on myself. I
watched as you made me second guess every decision and thought I had or made. I
saw you gradually make me fear everything and everyone. And I had to watch as
you isolated the world through a peephole that gradually became smaller and
smaller whilst all I could do was stand there, trying to get myself to keep breathing.
Because of you, I wished and begged for death. Because of you, I now know that
mental illnesses can kill just like physical ones. Because of you I wondered
whether the pain felt from relieving myself of you would be worse than the pain
you inflict upon me day in and day out.
I have had to watch my body decay because of you. I saw it become cut, cracked,
raw, sore, bleeding, dry, peeling, smell, discolour. And yet you forced me to
carry on, you didn't let me rest, you didn't let me look after myself, you
forced me to grit my teeth and carry on through the pain.
All I wanted was to ease the pain.
You say that you
care and that you're keeping me safe, but the safest thing I can do is to cut your
hold over my life. You made me feel like I'd never be touched by anything but
the pain and discomfort that you bring. Like all I was worthy of was feeling
horrible and untouchable.
So no, I will never forgive you, why should I? You have done nothing but nearly
destroy me and my world. How much of that pain do you also inflict upon others
is something that no one will be able to forgive and we surely won't forget. I
will never forgive you for making me wonder if I'll make it out alive.
OCD is a disorder
that has lied to me, stolen from me, and is unforgiving but now I’m the same to
it. I will not forgive it for the years it took from me, I will not forgive it
for the pain it caused me, I will not forgive it for the isolation I felt
whilst being bullied and belittled by its existence.
But the thing with monsters and the stories that they are in is that there's
always someone or something that helps defeat them, to rescue the person stuck
inside. And what that is, is hope.
Hope is sometimes the only thing that gets me through each day, hope that
tomorrow is another day closer to something better. And I would take that
slightest ounce of hope over you any day. I will use that hope to sharpen my
sword that I use to fight back against you. I will use that hope to support me
when I need it. I will use that hope to light and guide my way out of the hell
you kept me in.
They say that naming the monster takes its threat away. So to you, OCD, do like
you did to me and go to hell. Go to hell and I'll see you there wondering,
"Hey Universe! Did You Forget About Me?"
Thank you so much for reading! 💜
Please feel free to comment, share, and follow me on my socials below! 💜🌌
All the best! 💜
Emily 🌌
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©️ Hey Universe, Did You Forget About Me?, 2023, all rights reserved.
If
you were affected by anything in this post or would like to learn more about
OCD, then please head to these resources:
• OCD Action (UK) (www.ocdaction.org.uk)
• International OCD Foundation (www.iocdf.org)
• Alegra Kastens (@alegrakastens Instagram)
• Pure O Chrissie (@pureochrissie Instagram)
• Mind (UK) (www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd/about-ocd/)
• NHS (UK) (www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd/overview/)
• NOCD (www.treatmyocd.com)
• OCD-UK (UK) (www.ocduk.org)
(AN: The statistic of sufferer's of OCD comes from Royal College Of Psychiatrists: https://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mental-health/mental-illnesses-and-mental-health-problems/obsessive-compulsive-disorder#:~:text=How%20common%20is%20OCD%3F,million%20people%20in%20the%20U.K)
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