How Have I Kept Going All This Time?

TRIGGER WARNING: Talks of Depression and giving up. Reader discretion is advised!

 

"Resilience is silent and deep, like roots. It doesn't announce itself. It doesn't explode outward. It doesn't fall. It doesn't break. It simply always is. And you are." - Victoria Erickson

 

(A.N. If you or someone you know is struggling with their mental health, please reach out to a professional or find support and resources near you. You don’t have to go through this alone and to suffer, you can and deserve to feel better. Please seek help. 💜)

 

12/13. That's how many years I've suffered from OCD and during that time, I hit rock bottom . . . I then also hit the rock bottom of rock bottom, and then the rock bottom of that rock bottom! It's kind of like Russian Nesting Dolls, you hit one layer of rock bottom only to find that there's another one inside it and then another one inside that and again and again until you're basically in hell. 😂 There were times that I thought, "It can't possibly get any worse than this." And oh boy, was I wrong! I still remember feeling like me not being able to open doors by myself and having to clean myself every time I got changed was "rock bottom" (don't get me wrong, for that time it was). Then fast forward 2/3 years, and I couldn't leave my flat, I couldn't even walk around the flat without great difficulty, and I couldn't be near anyone or do anything for myself, I was essentially nothing. That period of time is still (and may always will be) the worst period of my life, the rockiest of rockiest of rock bottoms! 😂 Despite all of that, I'm still here (I think! 👀😂), I'm still trying. And sometimes, I don't know how I still am! 😂 One of the most common things you get asked in therapy, I've found, is that once you've explained that you've suffered from a condition for a while, they love to ask, "How have you kept going for this amount of time?" And I'm there like, "How am I supposed to know?! I just do! I turn up and simply hope for the best!" 🤷‍♀️😂 I mean how do you keep going? Do you stop and have a break? Do you push through and keep going, hoping it'll pay off eventually? Or is it a mix of both and trying to find a healthy balance between the two?

Reflecting and looking back on my illness and suffering from OCD, as well as the healing I've done so far, there are two main things that I've noticed that have helped me to keep going: hope and white-knuckling it. These are what have kept going when I was in so much unbelievable pain. There were some other helpful factors at times like anger as well as teaching and allowing myself to take breaks and rest when I needed to but those two were the main ones.

What I know for certain is that you've just got to keep going, keep holding on, and more than anything keep having hope (no matter how small). Hope has been both a complete game changer for me and is something I strongly believe as what's kept me going. Hope is what stops everything from seeming like it'll never be good or okay again. When I had nothing, I had hope. Even when that hope was the smallest, tiniest, amount, when having that tiny bit of hope was almost delusional to have, I had it. There were times it would feel like a voice in my head would say, "How could this get any better? You're done. Accept it. Give up." And hope would say, "Not yet, not just yet I'm not. One more go, one more try of hope." And then repeating that response again and again and again. I have, or try to have, hope that it's not always going to be this difficult. I've often been asked why and how I've kept going or what's pushing me through, majority of it is just hope, hope that it's going to get better, I've just got to make it to that day to see it. I hope that every time I wake up and face the day is a day closer to me feeling better and healed. I hope that there's something out there for me that's so much better than what I've been and am going through. I hope because I don't have much else left, I've tried everything, therapy, medication, meditation, yoga, talking to someone, setting routines, in the end, alongside those helpful techniques and coping mechanisms, it sometimes feels like it comes down to hope. Hope that it will get easier, hope that those things I'm doing are actually helping, hope that things will change and get better. There have been many times where I feel like hope was the only thing that kept me going. And I'm not going to lie, I still feel like that at times now during this long road of recovery when I'm questioning if I'm actually making any changes, if I'm actually getting better. When I'm tired of fighting with my own mind, I look and find that hope within me that one day, I will be okay and have gotten through it, and everything feels a little bit lighter. 💜

Now something that really gets underestimated is the power of simply white-knuckling it and holding on. Just trying to get through it, getting through the hard, painful stuff, and just holding on . . . Because I don't know about you, but sometimes I don't know what else there is to do, or sometimes I don't want to or have the energy to do something about it because I'm so tired! I'm constantly fighting my brain where a loud voice is telling me I need to do something or telling me to do something else or to do it again so nothing "bad" happens, and sometimes I just want a break. Let the chips fall where they may kind of thing. I'm done with fighting and tired of trying so I just hold on and grit my teeth through the pain and hope that tomorrow is a bit different where that it's better. And, "facing that fight", can sometimes mean that the "fight" is waiting it out, sometimes it's the safest thing you can do. For example, when it's really heavily raining and you're driving in it, you're holding onto the steering wheel for dear life, and you can feel the tyres sliding slightly, you don't just keep going. You get to a safe spot, pull over, and wait it out no matter how much you want to get to your destination because it's the safest thing to do. It's the same thing with taking a rest in coping and healing. Pull over for a minute (or however long you need) and have a break, look after yourself, replenish your needs, rest, get your strength.

Now, whether you can class this as resilience or not, I'm not sure but I do know that, for me, with white-knuckling it, it feels like there's some integral part of me that keeps going, that wants to keep going. No matter how much I feel like I don't want to, when I'm in so much pain and can't see a way out or even think that there is a way out, I keep going. And once again, that hope comes in. Hope that the decisions I make every day in life, in my recovery, and in my healing are leading and adding up to me being where I want to be in life. Healed, recovered, and living my life, not the life of OCD. And even though I may want to give up at times, I also really want to see what that life will be like for me once I've recovered and healed. Who I'll be, where I'll be, and who's with me.

I'll tell you what though, this whole "resilience" and "keeping going" thing is hard, tiring, and somewhat draining, surprisingly, no matter how you choose to keep going, because when in recovery, or healing, or learning to love and care for yourself it's not always straightforward. It's not always an easy decision and it can be so exhausting (but oh so worth it!). That's because it's you constantly and consistently deciding to choose yourself every time, it's you constantly and consistently choosing the more difficult option because it's what's best for your healing, and it's you constantly and consistently having to look your demons in the eyes as you face them to overcome them. But you can do it! I know you can! I genuinely didn't believe I'd make it out of the spiral of rock bottoms that I hit but I did! I'm doing so much better and starting doing the things I love again and I feel a little bit more human every time I fight back and go against the OCD. It's an incredible feeling, one I hope you feel one day too. 💜

An honourable mention that should also be said that has been helpful in keeping me going is, believe it or not, anger. There are points you get to with your pain and suffering where you just feel so angry at what's hurting you. As I find seeing my OCD as a separate thing from me really helpful in coping and healing from it, directing that anger felt at it rather than at me can be so helpful! There are times when I get so angry at the OCD for the pain and problems it's causing me especially when I get stuck in a spiral of repeating the same compulsions again, and again one after another, the irritability just rises and sometimes it gets to the point where you're just so angry that you throw your hands up and say, "Screw it! Whatever happens, happens. I'm done!" And it can be really helpful! Breaking that cycle and using that anger can be a good way to help you keep going and fighting because it comes to a point when you're just fuming and angry at the demons in your head making everything torturous for you, you just want to best them and come up on top so you can stick your middle finger to them and know you won, that you're the boss. I know I've said this before (specifically in my blog post, "It's Okay To Be Angry") but anger is not a "bad" emotion or something that we shouldn't feel because it's "not okay to feel that" because it perfectly is okay to feel like that! It's a completely normal and human emotion and response to have so if it comes up, feel it, it's trying to help you, with how you're feeling and how you're feeling about the situation you're in. Feel it, understand it, help it to pass. 💜

Other Things That Have Helped Me To Keep Going:

1) Allowing myself to have bad days
2) Not berating myself for not being able to do something because of my mental illness
3) Reminding myself that I didn't ask for this (to suffer from these conditions)
4) Standing up for myself and not allowing myself to be pushed to the side
5) Self-love and compassion
6) Writing this blog
7) The knowledge that I didn't always used to suffer like this so there's a chance I won't always suffer
8) My Mum being my bestest friend and the best Mum who's always there for me and is patient and loving.

Even though I know that these things help me, it doesn't mean that there aren't days where I want to stay asleep for a little bit longer to ignore and be away from the pain and the problems and the fight. I allow myself too at times but not always, I'm human who has her limits but I do keep showing up. I hope that in the grand scheme of things it means something, that it adds up in the end and helps. Having those days where I can't do anything or I really don't feel up for it, is okay, I listen to what my body and/or mind needs and I go with it. I'm so proud of myself for learning how to do that because I used to just push and push, and force myself to keep going because I didn't think I deserved a break, that there wasn't a "reason" that I should take it easy. And sometimes there isn't but that doesn't mean that there has to be a "reason", you rest when you feel like you need too and you keep going when you can/need to. My favourite quote for this is, "If you don't pick a day to relax, your body will pick it for you." 💕

So, I have to ask because I'd love to know what works for you, how do you keep going? Do you have a certain music playlist that you listen to for comfort or to hype you up? Do you make sure you take some time for yourself every day to ground and centre yourself? Do you exercise to help get that boost of endorphins? Or do you just keep forcing yourself to push on and through it all? Don't get me wrong, sometimes we need/have to do that but the trick is to make sure you're using it in balance with the rest of it (but that's a blog post for another day 👀😂). Make sure you check that you're actually allowing yourself to simply be and to rest, relax, and look after yourself. 💜

There's no one way of keeping going. One day being hopeful and/or proactive is the way to go and is what helps, another day it's white-knuckling it and riding out the storm. Both are okay and whatever works for you and what works for you in that time is what's best. You are what's best. So if you need to be hopeful then do it, if you need to be angry, do it (safely), if you need to eat chocolate and watch "Bluey" then do it (or maybe that's just me . . .? 😂 Don't judge me, it's a comforting show! 😂) You deserve to make it out of this and you deserve to come out of it okay. 💜

So how have I kept going all this time? Turns out, there's multiple reasons. Hope, resilience, taking a break, anger . . .  Or maybe it's just myself? I do know that right now, I'm grateful that I've kept going because I never thought I'd get to this point where I'm able to have more control of my life again. I'm able to hug my Mum again, that I'm able to love and care for myself, and that I'm able do the things I love to do again. So if you're struggling, if you feel like your strength and resilience is waning, give it all you got but know that can also mean taking a break and resting! No matter what that looks like that day, resting or being active, you're smashing it and you're so brave and incredible for facing your demons. Even if you are tired and are just trying to make it through the day in one piece, that's incredible and is so tough! Keep showing up and not letting those many potential rock bottoms make you feel like, "Hey Universe, Did You Forget About Me?"

Thank you for reading! 💜

ALSO! Over on my Instagram (tagged below!) I'm doing special festive uploads where every day up to Christmas Day I'm posting a "Festive Reminder". These are fun, positive, and REAL festive reminders to hopefully help us all get through and enjoy the best time of year! So make sure you head on over, give them a read and, of course, click follow, I would greatly appreciate it! 🎄☃️

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All the best! 💜

Emily 🌌

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