A Birthday Celebration

"Maybe a birthday isn't about being celebrated by others. Maybe it's about using the day to celebrate your life." - Erica Layne (Life On Purpose Movement)

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!! 🎉

It's the moment that we've all been waiting for, or maybe just the moment I've been waiting for, it's my birthday!! 🎂🎉 I'm one of those people who love their birthdays and celebrating them! As soon as it hits November, I'm so excited! I count down the days, I ask my Mum what she was doing this moment however many years ago, I love it! 😂 Even in the years when I was at my worst with my health, there was always a tiny sliver of excitement for my birthday (with also the more overwhelming feeling of grief for what I couldn't do and who I couldn't be but that's not the point 😂). This year though, is probably the most excited I've been for a long time and that's an emotion I haven't felt this much in a while! 😂

During the countdown to my birthday this year, I've been really heavily reflecting on the past 365 days, from where I was on my last birthday to where I am now and let me tell you, I'm overwhelmed with pride and love. Never have I felt such pride, love, and, dare I say, happiness in me, in who I am, and what I've done! I am gobsmacked by the transformation and change from last November to this November! 😱 It's really gotten me thinking about everything and how resilient one person can be.

Last year, I struggled when it came to my birthday and to feel good on that day because I couldn't hug my Mum, I couldn't go out, I was struggling to shower and brush my teeth so I could actually go out to my birthday plans, I was so stressed, anxious, and overwhelmed that you would've thought I was preparing for a work presentation or an exam, not my birthday! 😂 There was so much preparation that needed to be made, for example, with my presents, because I couldn't touch them, my Mum would either have to open them for me or not bother wrapping them and put them in a gift bag, take each one out to show me, then clean them and set them aside for me which as you could tell, takes the fun and enjoyment out of it. I couldn't even have a birthday cake because my Mum got one, lit it with a lighter that I (or should I say my OCD) considered as dirty and for her to light the candles, she'd have to move the lighter over the cake, so I thought the cake itself was dirty and I couldn't eat any of it. It made me feel worried to celebrate my birthday again.

This year, though, I'm doing so much better! Yes, there's still that anxiety there but it's not as loud as before. I'm ready and excited to celebrate my birthday, my Mum and I have discussed what to do about presents and I'm actually going to be opening them myself this year! Yes, there are precautions and stuff in place beforehand (I'm doing good in my recovery, but I'm not that good! 😂 Yet!) but I'm still going to be unwrapping them myself! 🙌 As you know, I'm able to shower now, brush my teeth, clean my skin, even put makeup on! I've got a good routine and structure in place. I feel more human, I feel more like a person again, and it's such a great feeling to have especially with it coming up to my birthday (I feel more presentable! 😂).

I didn't think I'd get to 24, I didn't think I'd get here last year, I definitely didn't think that the year before but the fact that I am still here and I'm doing better, I'm accomplishing things and recovering from OCD, is something amazing to also celebrate next to my birthday! I'm so proud of myself for keeping going, for keeping fighting, and for knowing when to take a break and also knowing when to keep pushing forward. 💜

And you know me, it wouldn't be a "Hey Universe" blog post if I wasn't sharing some "Emily wisdom" with you so I wanted to share some of the major things I've learnt that has helped me since my last birthday. I also really wanted to remind you that there's always hope deep within you, I know, I know, it can feel so buried and hard to see with everything that goes on in life but it's there. Hold onto it, keep it safe, and use it to keep going because you deserve a beautiful life that feels good to and for you. 💜

Firstly, I know I've talked about this before and I keep badgering on about it but you're going to have to deal with it because it's a life changer, and that is you are all you've got in this world! Completely, 100%, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week! That relationship you have with yourself is so incredibly important and can either really hinder you in life or be your greatest power and asset (I swear, if this was a Disney movie, this would turn into a musical number but I'll leave that to the professionals! 😂). Own that relationship with yourself, nurture it, grow with it. It has helped me so much to always have a little packet of love within me that I can dip in to whenever I need it, as a little reminder, as some good for the day, for some love, for remembrance on who I am and where I've come from. You've got to have your own back and stand up for yourself because if you don't, there's sadly not a guarantee that someone else will. You are amazing, even on the days when you don't feel like it at all, you are! Love yourself! 💜

Secondly, feel your emotions. Allow your emotions to come in and let yourself feel them, all of them, there's no such thing as a "bad" emotion, even anger, disappointment, sadness, they all deserve to be felt! Let them in, then let them go. One way or another those emotions will be felt so make sure you give them the space that they need, see them, recognise them, learn what they may be telling you, then leave them be. Don't fixate on them, no good comes from that, you'll end up stuck in a cycle which will just leave you dizzy and even more annoyed! 😂 You've got this, you're okay. 💜

Thirdly, just try and see how and where it goes! You don't always need (or get) a perfect time to start something whether that's a project, your to-do list, self-care, exercise etc. Just go for it how you want and how you're feeling that day. You can always come back to it, edit it and change it up if you don't like it but just start! As soon as you start, you feel better and more confident with what you're doing and you do learn along the way. It's such an amazing journey to go on, trying something new and different, so just try and see what happens!

And finally, what your brain may be telling you isn't always the truth, sometimes it misfires and can be wrong. Don't believe those intrusive thoughts, don't believe those negative thoughts, they're not true. Thoughts are thoughts, they come and they go, they don't always have to have meaning. Notice them, don't force them out or pretend that they're not there because that's going to make it worse, acknowledge them and let them leave. You're safe and you're okay, sometimes our brains can be pains. 😂

This post isn't just a birthday celebration for me but, it's also a deeply heartfelt reminder for anyone struggling with anything, whether that's a mental, physical, chronic illness and/or disability etc. or if you've fallen out with your friends or family, or you're struggling at work, or struggling financially, or just simply having a bad time in general at the moment. I want you to know that it gets better. I know that there's so many posts out there that say that, to usher you to hold onto hope but take it from someone who genuinely didn't think it would get easier or better, it does! You do have to put in the work, it doesn't just happen, you have to put the work and effort in but it's worth it! This is your sign to hold onto that hope that better things are coming and that you're worthy of them because you are! 💜

To those who can't see the light, I see you. I see your pain. I see your struggles. And let me tell you, you're not alone. I'm one of you, I was one of you for such a long time, in so much pain and darkness that there was no light, not even a slither poking through. I felt like I was waiting out the clock. And I know there are others out there who feel the same. You are not alone, not at all. You will get through this, please know that, please have strength, and please reach out to others and professionals for help and support if or when you need it because you deserve help, and you deserve to feel better. 💜

And lastly, to 22 year old Emily, who was desperately trying to hold onto that little bit of joy felt from it being your birthday but struggling because you were alone, trapped, and suffering. I know you weren't looking forward to spending the day alone stuck inside waiting for Mum to come up from work, only able to stare at a TV. I want you to know, on this day that's supposed to be a happy one that you did it! You got out of there! You're so much more safer now and doing so much better than you thought you'd be! You have got so many more options now, because you decided to keep going, to keep fighting, you've got more of your freedom back, you've got more of your life back. I'm looking back and wishing with everything that I could hug you and make it all better. I am sending you so much love, hope, and strength. Hold on and Happy Birthday. 💜💜

In the end, having your birthday is an accomplishment that you should celebrate! For everything that you've gone through in those 365 days, everything you've overcome, everything that you've faced, that you've had to deal with, things you've lost and gained, loved, learnt and the growth you've made are all things to celebrate. The fact that you're still here, you're still trying, is incredible! Celebrate and love yourself because you deserve it no matter what because you and I both don't deserve to celebrate our birthday's wondering, "Hey Universe, Did You Forget About Me?"

Thank you so much for reading! I'm sending you virtual goodie bags and cake! 🎂🎈💜

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All the best! 💜

A one year older Emily 🌌

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