TRIGGER WARNING: Explicit language
"Actions speak louder than words." - Saint Anthony Of Padua
When I was younger, I used to really believe in (and, if I'm honest, I still somewhat like to now) that if you make a wish on the first star you see at night, that wish will come true. "Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might, have this wish I wish tonight." (Poem by Anonymous, found from Poetry Foundation). It didn't help that this superstition was also really emphasised in the Disney movie, The Princess and the Frog, which is what made it stick with me so well because, let's be honest, that movie is pretty great! 😂 We all say that we want things or we wish for things to happen. "I want to be more happy." "I want more money." "I want to lose weight." "I want to move into a better house." Etc. We speculate and dream about it and I'm a big believer in everything is possible and that there are things and opportunities that you can do to help you get what you want. And don't get me wrong, I don't live in a fantasy land where everything is easy and is always attainable and such, but there are always realistic ways to try and help ourselves one way or another. Life is difficult and can be a right bitch at times, there's really no other way to put it, and sometimes the only thing that can help and make things seem a bit brighter is hope and the way we look at things. Do I really believe that if I wish for something when I see my first star in the night sky that it'll come true? (Sadly) No, I know that's not how it works (as much as I wish it would at times! 😂) but having that feeling of hope and optimism that better things and opportunities are out there, sometimes helps me to keep going and to keep fighting.
We all have wants, goals, and aspirations in life, whether that's for ourselves or for others, but what makes them different then just having a fanciful idea or, simply, a wish? I personally think it's all about what you do with those wants. A word or notion that gets thrown around a lot that I've noticed is, manifestations. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm a big believer in things like karma, energies and vibes, tarot cards, essentially the spirituality side of life. I mean, I did name this blog asking the universe a question so this can't come as too big a surprise! 😂 One of the inside jokes between my Mum and I, is that when someone mentions, talks about, or even if we hear the word, "Manifestation", my Mum pointedly looks at me and I instantly roll my eyes! That's because I feel like the idea surrounding Manifestations is that people seem to think or at least explain it as, basically, just "speaking something into existence" and hoping for it to happen, essentially simply wishing for it. "I'm manifesting a life where I'm financially capable of living the way I want to live." "I'm manifesting a healthy, loving relationship." "I'm manifesting more money in my life." That's great to say that you want these things to happen, it's a great starting point, knowing what you want. But just saying it or hoping and wishing for it isn't going to make it come into your life. I can manifest (aka wish) to have a million pounds but unless I, myself, actually choose and make actions in life to make that a possible reality, it's not going to happen. No matter how many times I hope/manifest for it. (Damnit! 😂) You've got to put in the work for it, just wishing and speaking it into existence doesn't do anything. That's why I'm a big believer in the quote I used above in all areas of my life, "Actions speak louder than words." Yes, it helps to know what you want and what you're working towards but you actually need to do things and make steps in working towards achieving those wants and dreams, those manifestations.
You have your starting point but what are you doing to actually work towards that and achieve it? What's your manifest-action for your manifestation? (And yes I did think of the word, "manifest-action" myself, and I'm not going to lie, I'm pretty proud of it! 👌😂)
This same way of thinking can be said about my recovery, I can talk all I want about wanting to recover and to actually have a life for myself but if I don't put in the work and actually make physical choices and actions in progressing towards what I want, it's not going to happen. No matter how much "manifesting" I do (and trust me, there's been a lot! 😂).
What's been a massive game changer recently and has seriously changed my life and perspective on my recovery is that I've been beginning to implement a practice of making decisions when it comes to feeling the need to do compulsions by asking myself, what kind of life do I want? What do I want my life to be like in the future? You see, there's a time where you can get so wrapped up in what you want from life and recovery that you sometimes overlook the actual steps it'll take to get there. Every day I wish and hope that the day is easier than the last when it comes to the OCD and even whilst doing the right things I need to do to get better, it can become easy to forget what you're working towards, why you're doing all of this, why you're constantly and consistently putting yourself through anxiety-inducing activities, why you bother to keep fighting every day. When an obsession arises and a need to do a compulsion is felt, I start to ask myself, "Okay, so you want to do X, Y, or Z but what life or what do you want your future to look like? Do you want to still be stuck, being controlled by OCD, or do you want a life where you get to choose what you're doing, the actions you take, how you're living your life?" The things I want in life are there for the taking, I can achieve them but I have to make the decisions that leads me to actually get to them. Do I clean my arms because my OCD says so because something may or may not have happened? Or do I want a life where I don't clean or feel the need to clean my arms when I don't need to because I'm no longer a vessel simply serving the needs and wants of my OCD? My ideal future and life is filled with family, success, activity, fulfilment, love, happiness, connections, and life - are the decisions that I'm making either when carrying out compulsions or choosing how I live my life and go about my day to appease the OCD helping me get to the life that I want?
For instance, should I or do I want or actually feel the need to be wearing gloves to complete a certain task? Is there a way I can cut back on using them to complete the task? By using this strategy of deciding what life I want for myself and acting in accordance with that, it's helping me gain more control and autonomy in my life, to stay present during that difficult moment. It comes down to the idea of every time I do a compulsion, I'm feeding the OCD. Giving it more momentum, power, and another opportunity where its beliefs and ideas are pushed onto me and are proven true but by choosing to expose myself and to not do my compulsions or, at least, changing them to cut down on them, is taking that power and momentum away. It's proving the OCD wrong and that what it's making me, or wanting me to, believe is false which gradually builds up to proving me and my brain that that anxiety, danger, and threat that's felt has nothing to it, it doesn't need to be believed in and continued to be believed in. I'm hoping that this will gradually help me in developing a life where I'm no longer controlled by my mental illness! 🤞
I've found that this technique has been really helpful and the reason why this has got my OCD so nervous is because I might actually be beginning to realise why I've been struggling and have had problems when I'm completing my exposure tasks. For a while now, I've found that when doing the exposure tasks, I get to a certain point where I physically can't do them anymore and it's not because of the anxiety felt, or pain, or there being anything in the way somehow, I just can't mentally wrap my head around them and be able to do them, there's a block of some sort. The best way I can explain this is like wanting to speak another language desperately but being blocked doing it and that block is because you genuinely don't know the language. Since being diagnosed with Autism last year, I realised that the earlier suspicions I had before my diagnosis, about something else being at play with the OCD, may actually be correct and is what's been holding me back in progressing in my recovery.
I'm Autistic, which for me, means that to be able to do and complete tasks, I need to know what and the reasoning for why I'm doing something or have to do something, otherwise I can't do it or I really struggle to complete the task. I've found that with some of my obsessions because there are times when I don't know how or why I'm fighting against doing these behaviours by completing exposure tasks, having reasons that are clear and practical helps me a lot! Now, I know that one of the main things that you're taught in OCD recovery is to learn and accept that you have to live with uncertainty in life and I'm making sure that that is still being acknowledged and known in this process that I'm doing. "Do you want to clean your arm because your OCD says so because a bug might've landed on it so it's dirty? Or do you want to not clean it despite it may've been touched by a bug and make a step towards living a life where that doesn't scare, bother, and/or affect you?" Approaching my compulsions and my exposure tasks in this way helps me by giving me practical understandings and reasonings for why I'm not engaging in a behaviour that I've been doing for years, that my OCD has convinced me is what's keeping me and everyone else safe and clean! And let me tell you, the difference that's been made in not only my ability to carry out exposure tasks but also my mood and approach to doing them is something else completely! It has been something that I've been wanting and searching for someone to help me be able to do! It's been great so far! 💜
So you see, it doesn't matter how many times I wish and keep talking about needing and wanting to recover, it all comes down to the physical approach I take to achieve those things in the way that best works for me!
This is applicable to so many areas of life, whether you suffer from a condition like OCD or not. I really hope you know that if you want to change something in your life or to do things differently, you can, no matter how big or small they are, it'll make a difference! Decide on what actions and decisions you can make to help you achieve the new and different version of life that you want (your manifestations). Do you want to exercise more? Plan and timetable when to do workouts. Little and often, just make sure that you actually enjoy and want to do it and the specific exercises that you do! Otherwise you're not going to enjoy it as much and it's going to make it twice as difficult for you, you're going to feel more down about it, and then it'll feel harder for you! Do you want to take more time for yourself? Set and book yourself a "day off", whether that's on a random day or on a day off from work (even a morning or an afternoon) so as to do things you want to do and that you enjoy doing. Remind yourself that you don't need to feel guilty for working towards and actually living a life and trying or being in a mental place that you feel good with that is healthier and beneficial for you! Do you want to get more of a handle on chores and household tasks so you can feel less stressed in your living space? Create a routine and structure it in a timetable, whether you designate either a certain day or a specific time each week to complete these tasks, implement it into your daily life. The main thing is doing what works for you, that you want to do, and ensure you do it in a way that you'll actually enjoy it so as to help you be consistent with it. If that means making it into a little game for yourself then go for it! Or listen to a podcast or make yourself an upbeat playlist to dance to whilst completing the tasks at hand! Manifest it, then put the work in to get it and allow it to come about. Whether it's improving how you talk to and treat yourself, your approach to hardships in life, the relationships and connections you allow yourself to have around you and to be in. If you want better, you have to do better, to then eventually get to that place and position you want (and deserve) to be in. 💜
Whatever it is you want to do or want more of in your life, there's always something you can do, one way or another, to achieve that and you deserve to live how you want to live and feel happy and better doing so! 💜
So what do you want? Manifestation or manifest-action? We have more power than we give ourselves credit for, we have the ability to feel better, to recover, to want more in and from life. Know that you are in control of your life and the outcome of it! I wish and hope for you all to achieve anything and everything you want to set your mind to. I'm sending out constant good vibes to you and hope that you decide to continue to fight in life and actually live so it helps you to not feel plagued with the feeling, "Hey Universe, Did You Forget About Me?"
Thank you for reading - all the best! 💜
Emily 🌌
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