"From the outside looking in it's hard to understand. From the inside looking out it's hard to explain." - golden-oath.com (Pinterest)
There's a technique used in managing anxiety and anxious situations where you imagine and picture yourself in a certain environment or place that you'd find calming and relaxing. This is called Visualisation. It's one of the few techniques that work for me when I'm feeling worked up and anxious because it helps to get me out of my head and to focus on something else entirely. One of the easiest visualisation techniques that I use, I've adapted from an old meditation exercise that I used to do when I was a kid, where I'd imagine myself lying on a boat, out at sea on calm waves. I'd imagine the sound of the water around me, the feeling of the sun on my skin, and the feeling of a slight breeze running across my body. It's relaxing, it's peaceful. I make a point to visualise that I'm safe, I'm protected, and that I have nothing to worry about. Normally it works, and it's also quite helpful if I'm struggling to fall asleep at night! Recently though, I have been feeling so stuck and so lost in everything. With the decisions I make, my recovery, what I choose to do to keep myself going, how and what I'm doing at the moment, I feel like, in terms of that visualisation, that I'm not floating out at sea relaxing but I'm sat completely upright, rigidly looking around trying to find my way and see where I'm heading and where I'm supposed to be going. I have become increasingly aware that there is nothing but sea around me and instead of that being comforting, it's downright terrifying! I can see my surroundings but my surroundings are just . . . Water. Which way is the right way? Which way is the way to turn back? Which way is the way to get me to safety? Which way is where everyone else is? I know I'm in charge of this boat and it's not going to move if I don't but which way do I go? How do I move? And how do I move if I don't know which way to go? Will that be the right decision? I'm stuck and I'm lost in that feeling of being stuck.
I'm currently waiting for other people to get back to me and help in my recovery from severe OCD which means that I've been left to my own devices. But not only have I been left to my own devices but I'm left for an unknown amount of time because I don't know when anyone is going to get back to me or how quickly they work which is somewhat scary and doesn't help my feeling of loss and being stuck. I'm still challenging my obsessions in the ways I've mentioned before in previous posts and I'm still showing up every day (however reluctantly it feels at times) and surviving as best as I can each day. It doesn't sound really exciting, does it? 😂 I'm not going to lie, I have been struggling these past few weeks which you may've picked up on due to my lack of blogging and such, I'm still pretty slow feeling and moving I feel like at the moment (if that makes sense! 😂) but I'm trying to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and keep on making it through each day, making the best choices that I can at that moment. It's not been easy (and that's putting it simply! 😂) but I'm allowing myself to have those tough moments and days and I'm loving myself during them because that's what we all need more of, more love, patience, and compassion. And if you can't or are struggling to feel that for yourself then just know that I'm sending it to you from me. *Virtual hugs* 💜
It's weird because I feel so stuck and because I feel so stuck, I feel lost. I know what I want and the life that I want. I want to recover, I want control of my life back, I want to actually have a life, and to have my freedom back but yet I'm stuck. I want to move, I want to get going, to start paddling/rowing on that make-believe boat but I just don't know how. I'm waiting for therapists and professionals to get back to me so I know there's not much I can technically do until referrals are done and appointments are made apart from to keep on waking up and fighting every day, just to keep doing what I'm doing but I’m still feeling frustrated that I’m stuck where I am. I feel like there's more that I should or could be doing but I don't know what because besides what I'm already getting on with, there isn't anything I think I could be doing but it still just doesn't feel right . . . So what do I do?
I really hate feeling like this and I know probably no one likes feeling this way but I'm someone who likes to be doing something and right now, I can't. What's also annoying is the fact that I'm stopped from being able to do anything by 2 things now: 1 is my OCD itself physically stopping me from being able to do stuff and the 2nd is the fact that I don't have any therapists at the moment giving me help, guidance, and, well, therapy. So both of those things are stopping me and preventing me from doing things and I hate it. I'm once again being held back and waiting for others, and I feel like I'm not making movement in my recovery to help me get to the life that I want, to be free from my OCD. It's so frustrating and scary that I'm still continuing to have to live with this! I really hope that things get sorted and continue moving soon because this feeling of loss and being stuck is suffocating. It makes me feel like I can't breathe, I can't move, that the walls are closing in around me. I can't even go outside and leave my flat for a walk because of my disorder so I'm literally stuck in the same 4 walls day in and day out! So if they were closing in on me, I would know! 😂
This current feeling of loss and not being able to make progress is infuriating. I feel like I've been forgotten in some way and I want to wave up at the sky, at the Universe, like "Hello! I'm right here! Can you see me? I need something to happen because, this, this isn't working for me! Nothing is happening here! Can you hear me?! Are you listening?". It sucks because I'm left alone, not knowing what I can do to make things better and to get things moving again despite how much I want to do something. I hate it and it makes me feel somewhat scared. Scared that I’m not going to get better, scared that I’m running out of time in life to do things because my present moment is spent existing with and trying to overcome this mental disorder. Will I ever get better? Or am I going to be stuck continuously being tortured by my own brain?
There is a part of me though that is saying that this feeling of loss and being stuck might be for a reason, whatever that may be. That maybe things are being worked on that I can't see and I’m not able to do anything to help with, I just need to keep being patient and keep fighting. Maybe the decisions I make every day and the choice to keep going are what's helping me to paddle my little make-believe boat, to keep me moving in my recovery. Maybe that's what's helping me by doing what I can to defy the OCD and continue showing up despite the challenges and difficulties I face. Because I don't know what else there is for me to do, I don't know what else I can do. I just hope it's enough.
So if you're reading this and maybe you've been where I'm at or can somewhat understand what I'm feeling and saying, and even if you don't, could someone please send me directions out here?! Because I'm lost and I don't know where I am or what way to go and I want to go, I want to get going but I'm stuck out here, floating around. And I'm left thinking to myself, once again, wondering, "Hey Universe, Did You Forget About Me?"
Thank you for reading - all the best! 💜
Emily 🌌
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