"I have learned that when sadness comes to visit me, all I can do is say "I see you". I spend some time with it, get up, and say goodbye. I don't push it away. I own it. And because I own it, I let it go." - Carolina Zacaria
So here's something that I don't think I've started a post off by saying, I've had a pretty good week! I've actually felt somewhat upbeat and positive these past 7 days! I know! I know! Something's not right! Everyone, stop what you're doing! Alert the media! Write it on the walls! Run outside and scream to the sky - EMILY IS FEELING POSITIVE AND OKAY! 😱 And before you ask, no, my blog hasn't been hacked (this really is me), no, I've sadly not had my referrals through yet, and no my doctors haven't adjusted my medication. 😂 But yeah, I've had a pretty decent week. I've been feeling pretty upbeat and positive and have been really appreciating and accepting myself no matter how or what I'm feeling. It's been weird, don't get me wrong, it's a great feeling, but weird nonetheless! 😂 Nothing much has changed besides maybe my mood and mindset to my daily routines and life situation at the moment. Yes, I can't do as much as what regular people can do, those who don't suffer from a completely debilitating mental health condition as I do but right now, I'm in the waiting period for referrals and appointments to be made which I sadly and annoyingly can't help with so there isn't much else for me to be able to do but to just keep going. To just keep moving and showing up every day, trying my best and treating myself with love, respect, and kindness. I know that each day I wake up and show up is a day closer to those hopefully life-changing appointments and referrals being made and a day closer to me recovering from OCD and getting my life back. For now, I'm just doing what I can, and that's okay. 💜
One of the things that didn't change though and I feel like I think and say a lot is that this week I haven't been sure what to write and after thinking about it, I felt like this week that was because I was feeling good. I wanted to post something more upbeat that matched how I've been feeling and even though I'm super excited and passionate about my other posts that I've got coming up and can’t wait to write and get them out for you to read, I was struggling to fully get behind them and connect with any of them enough to write something worthwhile and something that I would feel happy and proud of especially enough to post it. All of the unsureness came down to the fact that I didn't want to post something too heavy because it wasn't what I was feeling so I couldn't get myself to write it. When I realised all of this was because I was feeling more good and upbeat than usual, I started to think over and sit with how and what I was feeling because let me tell you, me feeling *whispers* happy or at least more upbeat and positive than usual is not something I experience often. I'm not saying that to sound dramatic or to be all like, "Woe is me!", I'm normally so caught up with anxiety, pain, and stress that I don't often get times when I feel more positive emotions so when I do it's completely crazy and I don't really know what to do with myself. Do you know what I mean?
As I was sitting there, there was a part of me that once realised that I was feeling somewhat better than usual and lighter about my current situation as well as what's perhaps to come, even feeling hopeful for the future, that I feel like I might get better, I was also getting this niggling feeling coming through. It was a sort of fear and anxiety (there it is! There's the Emily we all know! Phew, I was getting concerned there for a moment 😂), I was getting worried that this positive feeling and headspace that I was in would go away. You see, often before on the rare occasions when I've felt this lighter, more positive feeling, it often seemed like it was followed by something bad happening that would make me feel and go back to my regularly scheduled programming of emotions of anxiety, depression, numbness, and/or feeling in between, me simply being. . . There. So when I was noticing my upbeatness, there was a fear that I didn't want to jinx it or jeopardise it, or even speak too soon about my change in mood, in case it stopped. I was worried that by writing and posting that I'm feeling more positive and dare I mention the H word (happier), it'll remind me or maybe my brain of the sadness and pain, the difficulty of the past few weeks to a month and the years before, and then the more upbeat I will start to wane or disappear. And I've been enjoying feeling more positive and brighter this past week, I didn’t want it to go away. Even writing this I'm worried that I might be toeing the line of ruining it and feeling bad again, it's weird! Thinking about how I've been feeling is like approaching an animal that you're not sure of, you move slowly so as not to spook it and for it to run off! That's how it feels with my positive feelings at the moment - look at it, notice it, and appreciate it but from afar! Keep the excitement in check so as not to scare it off! 😂
So the big question that was in my head was am I scared of the upbeatness and positivity that I'm feeling (because I'm not used to it) or am I worried about the pain and sadness coming back in? It's something that was going over and over in my head. I've had it before where I've started to feel more positive and somewhat better in my wellbeing and life and then I would go downhill again or something bad happens that ruins that mood so I'm always somewhat wary if or when I start to feel better in myself. So I did what everyone does when they notice something weird and potentially wrong with them and I opened Google! I didn’t think there was anything necessarily wrong with me or that there was a problem, I was just interested in whether it was something that was recognised and experienced by others. I found that there is an actual phobia called Cherophobia which is someone that has anxiety and a fear of happiness and experiencing happiness. It was quite interesting to read and it also helped me answer the initial question, am I scared of the more upbeat feeling or afraid of the pain coming back to ruin it? It helped me to realise that I’m not afraid to be happy (like those who suffer from the phobia), I enjoy it, I just get apprehensive when feeling like that because I'm afraid that since I noticed that I'm feeling more positive, that, knowing my luck, something is going to come along and ruin it. Why is that? I don't think I have an answer besides that's what's happened before and I assume that I, myself, am prone to bad and negative stuff happening to them so the happiness will be short-lived which is a horrible feeling, to be doing well and then it stops or gets taken away.
Since realising this about myself, I started to pay more attention to my thoughts and feelings during that period of feeling more upbeat and positive, as well as how else I'm doing within myself. It helped me to appreciate that period of feeling happier than before. By being more conscious, aware, accepting, and allowing of my surroundings, feelings, and experiences in the moment, I appreciated and got to fully experience them. Allowing them to happen and being present of what I was thinking and feeling I became more aware of my life in the present. It felt really nice! It's also helped me to accept and allow it when the happiness does start to go away and I feel more of the regular feelings or even on those days that are just plain bad, I allow it to happen, I don't begrudgingly do so, I allow it in, I notice it, and I accept it as it is. It's normal to not always feel upbeat and positive, that's life, right?
I think it's all to do with balance, knowing that you're going to feel good some days and bad other days, you're going to feel excited and you're going to feel scared, you're going to win and you're going to lose. Accepting both sides of the same coin. Because when we hold a coin in our hands, one side isn't more important or holds more value than the other, they're equal, yes we may have our preferences if you prefer the heads or tails, but you still end up having both with that coin.
I'm learning and practising to accept and allow the more sombre days and the days when I feel terrible or even just my usual self to come about because you can't hide from the good or the bad, it's going to find you either way. Learning to accept it and see it but not to give it the power that it wants, or we think it has, to impact us majorly, has helped me to continue to feel more positive. We have the power no matter how much we feel like we don't. On those bad days, we need to remind ourselves that we just have to make it through it and accept it for what it really is, a feeling that's temporary, they are emotions that are coming up for whatever reason that may be, don't catastrophize it in your head to be something bigger or more than it actually is. Feeling down and the more negative feelings doesn’t necessarily mean, "Oh no, the pain/darkness/depression is coming back again", it's not, you're safe, you're just going through a tough time or you're simply just feeling something that's just simply happening, it doesn't always mean something bad is happening or about to happen.
I used to think that when my positive attitude started to quieten and my regular, more typical emotions started to come back, meant that it put me back 2 steps. I used to feel like I had failed when it left. Failed to be happy, to be like everyone else around me, to be normal. Now, I think it could actually be giving me a chance to practice my coping skills, practice and show myself acceptance, awareness, love, patience, and compassion. Even if it does somehow turn or feel like a step back, one step back instead of two is still progress, I'm still moving forward.
Life has many and different phases, some of them make sense, some of them don't, and some of them are just crap. Learning and knowing how to make it through each of them is something that takes time and practice to be able to do, I mean I'm 23 and I'm only just beginning to understand it! It's all about the mindset that we have and that can be a scary place to be, trust me! 😂 Because approaching my emotions, well-being, and everything else within me with no judgement and from a place of either trying to understand it or simply just accepting it has allowed me to continue feeling my positive, more upbeat, and dare I say, happier self for longer. No, it doesn't always last all day, every day, but even on those days where I'm not experiencing it as much or not at all, I can still feel it within me because of how I approach my other moods and emotions, there is some type of positivity there, even if it's not fully active.
I'm genuinely excited and interested in seeing how this continues to play out, I'd laugh though if next week I start off the post by saying, "EVERYTHING WENT TO HELL!". Fingers crossed it doesn't! 😂 I would love to know if you also get where I'm coming from about how I sometimes feel scared and apprehensive when I'm happy that something bad is going to happen and ruin it. Let me know because it'd be nice to know that there are others out there! If you do (or even if you don't), I hope you know that you are worthy of feeling good and more positive emotions, it doesn't matter how long you've been feeling the horrible, painful, dark emotions, you can and will come out of them, I believe in you. Hopefully, we both won't be left wondering, "Hey Universe, Did You Forget About Me?"
Thank you for reading - all the best! 💜
Emily 🌌
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