TRIGGER WARNING: Not the lightest of blog posts. Talks of Depression and depressive moods. Also contains explicit language. (Reader discretion is advised.)
"When you're drowning, you don't say "I would be incredibly pleased if someone would have the foresight to notice me drowning and come and help me . . ." You just scream." - John Lennon
I don't know whether this is going to be a typical or regular blog post or if it's going to be me creating a space for me to fall apart for however long it takes me to write this. The past couple of weeks there have been a lot of changes happening with me and the majority of them have been good changes (yay!) but with change also comes discomfort. And I think that the past 2 weeks of positive change have accumulated a gradual build-up of stress, fear, and fatigue. Imagine a wave at sea, approaching a beach, it builds and gains momentum, pulling the tide in on itself to make a big finish by crashing onto the sand, washing over anything and everything in its path. The change and stress have gradually built up into this wave which has now crashed onto the sand where I'm standing and I'm overwhelmed and thrown off my feet by the rush and ferocity of everything that's happening and has happened to build and cause that wave. What I'm saying is that I'm struggling and I'm in a lot of pain and I feel like everything I do and/or try to do takes everything out of me so I'm feeling like I'm left struggling or with nothing. Just the aftermath of the wave crashing around me. I'm struggling to maintain and keep up with the positive changes that I've made as well as everything else because it's been added to my already existing daily routine so I'm doing a lot more which gives the OCD in my head more fuel and things to play with so not only am I physically doing things and completing more tasks, I'm also going through more mental hurdles. And I'm exhausted. I'm hurting so much. I have little to no energy and it sucks. Plain and simple, it sucks. As you can imagine.
I needed and wanted to get a blog post out to those who read it and for myself but I have had very little energy to do so as well as in some cases, I didn't have the time to write and make sense of what I wanted to write about and post it so I'm sorry that I've been a bit MIA for the last week or so. There's basically a lot going on behind the scenes that I'm trying to keep working on and solidify which has actually been pretty successful as well as me not feeling mentally well and needing to give myself some time off. That's the thing, I'm not exhausted because it hasn't been working or going well, I think I'm exhausted because it has been going well and also because it's a lot to plan, integrate, and actually complete in my routines. As you probably know yourself, making and practicing better habits and decisions takes time to solidify in plan and place and actually get used to. But I think it's going well and I know it will be incredibly beneficial and amazing to get down and right for myself in the long run - another success in recovering from OCD! I also just want to share how grateful I am and the amount of love I have for my Mum who has (as always) been incredibly helpful, supportive, and loving with everything that I'm doing and working on, she's been an actual legend! 💜
Like I said, I don't know if this is going to be a blog post that we're familiar with or if it's just going to be me crashing my own wave of emotions and thoughts on the beach. I’ve been wanting to write but I haven't actually been able to or be able to wrap my head around writing something meaningful or thought-provoking, but having it be me saying, "Hi! I'm still here, I'm just in a lot of pain and really struggling at the moment. (P.S. Please save me!)". But I do hope that whoever reads this that you're okay, you're (like me) hanging in there with whatever it is you're going through, that you know you are amazing, you are worthy, and you are allowed to say that you're struggling and that you're in pain. It's something that I am allowing myself to feel and accept. We're human, and we're allowed to both take a break and to break down.
I can't even find the words to express how I'm feeling apart from words and phrases that I've already used so much before. I don't know but I feel like they may've lost meaning to me at the moment. 😂 But I can't come up with any other or more words and phrases so I’ll put it like I always do . . . I'm tired and I'm in so much pain, there's so much pain that I can't even explain it brilliantly, it just hurts so much. I don't know if you remember but a while back I shared the reason why I titled this blog, "Hey Universe, Did You Forget About Me?" which was because I felt like it was a mistake for me to be on this Earth because of the amount of pain and suffering that I've gone through and continue to go through. I do go into a bit more detail in a previous post so go back and read the blog post titled, "Where Am I?" if you would like to read more (wow, I'm struggling with everything and yet I still managed to promote a previous blog post! Go me! 😂). But this expression and feeling of being left alone to suffer in life has been something that has really come back around and has been playing on my mind recently because I'm trying my best in doing the right things and trying to recover from severe OCD. I'm doing what I feel is right at the moment and I'm making good, positive steps forward and yet I feel like I keep getting hit by something else. I've been seeing online and reading quotes saying that recovery can be more painful than the initial problem itself and I'm feeling it at the moment but I'm also here like, seriously? I'm trying my best and I'm taking it in my stride and trying to make the best decisions I can and yet I still get hit with more pain. It's like a game of Baseball (or if like me, you're from the UK, a game of Rounders 😂), where I'm the batter, stepping up to take a swing and make my move to hit the ball, the ball gets thrown at me and I think I'm going to hit it but then it hits me in the face instead and I fall and land on my butt. I try to shake it off, I get back up, prepare my bat for the next ball and again, the ball gets thrown into my face! Sometimes it feels like I haven't even gotten fully back up again before I'm hit back down and then it keeps happening to me, again, then again, and again. It hurts and I'm exhausted and I'm pissed. Give me a break, I'm trying my best, I don't know what more anyone or anything wants from me! I can only take so much and I hurt so bad. I just want a break and not to hurt anymore. I hate feeling like this.
I feel so drained like everything within me and my capabilities have been pulled out of me and I've got and been left with nothing. I feel so slow and sluggish, it's horrible and I'm not sure what to do or what caused it or what to do to get it to stop and to make myself feel better. It's somewhat scary because I haven't felt like this either ever or at least for a very long time. At the moment, at times, I feel like I'm just screaming into the void, yelling about how unfair I feel like things have become and how much pain I'm in. I'm screaming for someone to help me and tell me what to do, and tell me how to stop hurting so much, to tell me how to make things better but there isn't anyone there, I'm all alone. No one is responding. Why isn't anyone answering?
At the moment, all I can say and do is to just keep on going, continue to fight, and continue to treat myself with love and compassion and hope that it'll be enough to make it through. If anyone has any tips, advice, or quotes that help them when they're in a rough patch in life and/or with their mental health then please comment below or message or comment over on Instagram! I would love to read them! 💜
So I don't know where this blog post went or if it was something anyone will bother or want to read all the way through but I just wanted to let those who do follow along with my blog where I'm at right now. Hopefully, I made sense. All being well, I'll be back on Monday 15th May with a more typical and perhaps somewhat better blog post but I'll see how I'm feeling and where I'm at but fingers crossed that I'll be back soon!🤞💜
I hope you all continue to fight and kick ass at whatever it is you're going through or whether you just continue to kick the day's ass! I hope you're feeling somewhat good and okay and if, like me, you're feeling the complete and utter opposite of good and okay, well, I'm desperately and wholeheartedly rooting for you (for us) that things get somewhat better and easier. I'm sending you all my love and well wishes and good vibes to you! Keep going, keep trying, keep breathing. 💜
Oh and also, excuse me a minute *ahem* *screams into the void*, "HEY UNIVERSE, DID YOU FORGET ABOUT ME?"!
All the best - thank you for reading! 💜
Emily 🌌
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