"Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.'" - Mary Anne Radmacher
Every day that you wake up and get up is a win. It doesn't matter if you didn't achieve or get done what you wanted to initially do, the fact that you still managed to wake up and breathe is a job well done! You're continuing to kick-ass despite what you may initially want to think or what you tell yourself about what you managed to do, you're still showing up even if all you did was sit on the sofa and binge-watch your favourite series or mindlessly scroll through social media, you're here, you're you, that's what counts, and that's what matters! (Plus we've all been there!) Don't be so hard on yourself. 💜
So I've recently written a ton about OCD (an understatement 😂), my story with the disorder, and the best way to treat it but I wanted to kind of bring you up to speed on where I realistically am with my recovery from OCD. As in my first ever post, I said that this blog will be about my journey in overcoming OCD but I also want it to be about other things in life that I wanted to share my thoughts and wisdom on, such as life phrases that I Iive by which have changed my life, how it's okay to feel angry, and so much more - and if there's anything that you would like me to write about or anything that you would like me to do, comment below or message me on Instagram! I'm excited to write for you (and for me) as well as to hopefully connect with more people through this blog as well as on my Instagram (@heyuniverseblog) and TikTok (@emilypardey) (which I will hopefully be posting more on soon!).
So where am I? I've currently been consistently struggling with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) since 2019. I have had 4 bouts of therapy for just my OCD (I'm currently on my 5th round), I have tried 2/3 different types of medication for anxiety and have gratefully found something that works for me, but it doesn't stop the OCD or stop me from doing the compulsions but it does make it easier for me to manage my anxiety and get through the day. For 4 years now, I have been constantly plagued with this illness and have had from temporary to no relief. Even though therapy has worked and touched upon the surface of my illness and given me so much knowledge, support, and understanding of the disorder, it’s not done what I wanted or expected it to do - to stop making and allowing the OCD to be so prevalent and forefront in my life. But that’s going to change, it’s got to change. (And if you would like to know more about how to treat OCD then read my last blog post!)
I'm currently in my 5th round of therapy for OCD. I have 2 therapists, one that I see about every 2 weeks (not ideal for me but I'm hoping to look more into changing that) and one who I see every few months who is like my main port of call if there's a problem. Since I've only just started this round of treatment, it's too early to say how and where it's going but it's going so that's something! 😂 I'm looking into getting into contact with my port of call therapist though as I really want to discuss with him about changing therapists (for the one I see every 2 weeks) because one, I don't like or agree with only being seen every 2 weeks, I feel like I could use more help, two, I was also under the impression when referred to them that since they work for more severe people (aka. me 😂), that there's more frequent help given which hasn't been the case for me and it's not helpful, and 3, I'm not clicking and getting on well with the therapist I'm with, which isn't going to help me in the long run with getting better if I don't feel comfortable or confident with the person who's supposed to be helping me. I'm not going to lie, I am worried about expressing this concern even though I was advised and told that I'm allowed to do so by my previous therapist when my first referral went through. It still freaks me out having to say to someone that they're not helping and that I want someone different but I’m learning that my health and my needs come first. I'm allowed to say "no" to something, I'm allowed to say something isn't going the way I want, and I'm allowed to say something's not helping me. If I don't express my opinions or needs then how are they going to be met, how am I going to get better?
I'll let you know in future posts how I'm getting on with therapy and my recovery as I want to start a new section for every other blog post that I upload to have a part where I sum up what's been happening and where I'm at with my recovery - I'll share my tips, tricks, successes, failures, lessons, and whatever else comes along!
I've also been currently taking it upon myself to challenge some of my OCD behaviours and compulsions myself because I felt like I needed to actually do something in taking the right step forward in getting better even without the assistance of my therapist! And I'm also, as you know, taking my medication every day which continues to be a great help in keeping me going and managing my anxiety!
In terms of the future, I plan to get better and take my life back from OCD. It sounds obvious and somewhat simple but I know it's going to be more difficult than I can imagine but I'm ready for it (if I'm not . . . Well, at least it'll make for an interesting read! 😂). This recovery has a lot riding on it, it's the fight for my life. Otherwise what kind of life am I going to be living if I'm constantly suffering and unable to do things for myself when I want to, that's not what I want from life, I want more and I deserve more. This course of therapy needs to work and I'm going to try my best to make it work and for it to be effective, to learn from past advice from therapists and where I feel like I could do better from previous experiences - even if by doing what's right for me bothers other people.
When you struggle with an illness like OCD, it can be really difficult to treat yourself kindly and with compassion, it's something that I've been working on more recently. This illness is constant, it's there every day and there's not one day where I can wake up and it's quiet, it's an everyday battle! In most cases with OCD it may only affect certain parts of your life, perhaps how you go to the bathroom, how you leave the house or look after your family potentially but for me, it's everything that I do. It's how and when I can go to the bathroom, how I walk around the flat, how I sit, how I eat - I don't get a break. Since this illness takes so much out of me and from me, it can be difficult for me to treat myself with compassion, even though I'm trying harder and I'm doing better with treating myself kinder, there are days where I really struggle, especially when you're suffering from something that doesn't give you a day off. However, by creating and writing this blog, it helps me to keep fighting and not just let the days pass me by in a blur of compulsions and just trying to survive an illness that wants nothing more than to kill me. It provides me with something to think about and takes my mind off of things as well as allowing me to help make something come out of having OCD besides anxiety attacks! 😂
I wanted to create this blog as a way for me to journal and get my thoughts and feelings out of my head, and to spread light on OCD and how it's misrepresented in the media and people’s knowledge of this disorder - it's not about being a perfectionist or having a "love of cleaning", we don't want to do what our brains are telling us to, we have an illness that makes us believe in these irrational fears! This blog is a reminder that bad times aren't always going to happen, you can get better, and make it out of the terrible times - it's going to take time and effort and you're going to want to give up but you can make it through the tough parts. The idea for this blog has been in my head for a long time, not being able to easily get out of my flat has made me feel really disconnected from people and I want to connect with others so hopefully, this blog could help me do that and hopefully make me feel less alone. This blog is my way to validate what I have gone through, what I am going through, and what I will go through.
All my life I've questioned whether I'm supposed to be here and if I'm supposed to be on this planet because of the amount of pain, suffering, and horrible things I've gone through. It makes me feel like it was a mistake for me to be here. Why is it that pretty much everyone else can do simple, everyday tasks but I can't, for me, it's extremely difficult and painful. How is that fair? How is it fair that I worked so hard at school and college to get good grades so I can have options and opportunities in life and yet I struggle just to be able to go to the bathroom? I see people I went to school with getting engaged, graduating from university, having kids, moving into their first homes, going on holidays and adventures and I'm sitting there like, "What about me? When will I get that?" And I know we shouldn't compare where we are in life and what we're going through with what other people are doing and are sharing online and I don't, I just want to know when I'll be remembered to get a chance to have a life - have you ever felt like that? I read a quote that said, “Learn to clap in other’s victories, your time will come.” (Unknown) And it’s something that I’m consciously trying to practice when I see someone else’s achievements (especially if it’s someone I know), I’m doing well in ensuring my mindset is changing when I see other people’s successes, and don’t get me wrong, I do sometimes still initially think, “What about me?”, “This isn’t fair”, but then I catch onto that train of thought and redirect it to understand and see it differently. Instead of feeling down because my time hasn't come and I’m still suffering, I remind myself that I’m working on myself, I’m working on getting better so that I can have my time, and it will come and reach me when I’m ready. I’m battling something that I didn’t choose to have to suffer from which those who I’m envious of don’t have to worry about. One day, I’m going to succeed and achieve great things and be able to feel proud of myself and share with others what I have been able to accomplish but until then, I’ll continue to clap for the success of others.
These past 4 years, I've said to my Mum that "I'm not supposed to be here. I'm not supposed to be on this Earth, that's why I suffer so much and that's why everything is so difficult for me." And I do genuinely believe it, that's why I've titled this blog, "Hey Universe, Did Forget About Me?" because that's how I feel, forgotten. Put on this Earth and left alone and left to suffer. It’s also why I titled my story blog posts under that phrase, it sums up and explains my journey, my life. I'm always wondering if there's anything more out there for me and if I'm right in asking, "Hey Universe, Did You Forget About Me?"
Thank you for reading - sending you all the best!
Emily 🌌
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Instagram: @heyuniverseblog
TikTok: @emilypardey
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