"Start as you mean to go on."
That's the phrase that's been going around my head whilst trying to prepare for the New Year and for this first post! (Welcome, BTW!). So we're in 2023, did you survive New Year's? Me? Not so much. I wanted to start the year as fresh, prepared, and comfortable as I could but of course, how does that phrase go? "Tell God your plans and He laughs in your face"? Or should I say "Tell the Universe your plans and it will laugh in your face"? Instead of having a good time I had a couple of anxiety attacks (super festive!), I'm literally the life and soul of the party (she says whilst rocking back on forth in the corner)!
You see, having a severe mental illness during the holidays and party seasons is like going abroad and it rains the entire time but you still force yourself to "look on the bright side" when really the bright side is that the holiday will be over soon.
I wanted to put my best foot forward when it came to this new year, I wanted to start taking some of my life back that OCD has taken away from me; by taking back control on how the day was going to go but compulsions, anxiety and meltdowns do not make a recipe for a great New Year's Eve cocktail (otherwise I wouldn't have remembered the night if they did!).
When people say "Start as you mean to go on" they're quick to talk about changing behaviours and thinking patterns in an attempt to improve ourselves which is great and helpful when wanting to start a new habit but what if you start in pain? Despite all your best efforts and planning. Do you fail? Will you or do you go on as you started? If your predisposition is pain are you able to rewrite how you go on, how, or where you end up? A part of me wants to say no or why bother fighting it - I've been fighting this bout of OCD for 3/4 years straight and I'm exhausted (and that's putting it simply). I just want to rest, to curl up and say, "Okay, you win, I'm done, I'm tired". Yet there's this little voice in my head, that says "Let's try again." That voice, that hope, is what's getting me out of bed at the moment, hope that one day it's going to get better and I won't be fighting my own head for control over basic bodily functions and how I live my life. That voice can be small and difficult to find and hard to hold on to some days but it's there, it's me trying. And with therapy and starting new routines and better habits beginning this year maybe I can rewrite how I go on and I don't have to do so the same way how I started. I hope you'll come along with me for this excursion and we can help one another in any way we can, even if it is just sitting (albeit through a screen) with one another so we feel seen, we feel connected.
As a last note for this first post, I just wanted to let you know that if, like me, your New Year's didn't go as planned, you've already slipped on a New Year's Resolution (it happens to the best of us!) or you're having a sucky time with life, health whether it's physical, mental or otherwise, it's okay! You're okay, we're okay or at least we will be. Maybe one of our resolutions should be not putting so much pressure on ourselves to live up to the hype of certain events and situations where it's not always necessary. Like I've seen people post online, we can always start again, later today, tomorrow, or next week - there isn't a rule book to life (damnit!) or if there is, Hey Universe, Did You Forget About Me?
All the best ~
Emily
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