Me, Myself, and OCD - Part 2

 TRIGGER WARNING: Talks of baby loss/miscarriage, wounds, and harmful behaviour. Reader discretion is advised.

"Hey Universe, Did You Forget About Me?"

Last week, I wrote about how I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and how the disorder presented itself within me when I was 12/13 years old. If you haven't read that post yet then what're you doing?! A little bit rude but I'll forgive you! 😉 (P.S. You should go read it!) This week, I wanted to talk about one of the main parts of my struggle with OCD which has been Contamination obsessions. As I've mentioned in a previous post, out of the main areas of OCD, I've suffered from 3/4 of them, Routines, Contamination, and Intrusive Thoughts. I spoke about how I struggled with obsessing over my routines in last week's post (see this is why you need to read it! You're missing out on some good stuff!) and now I wanted to talk about my struggle with Contamination obsessions. Before we get into it though, please remember that 1) those who suffer from OCD don't want to do what their OCD is telling them but feel like they have to, 2) Contamination OCD isn't all that OCD is about, believing and only assuming that's what the disorder is about is unhelpful and stigmatises the illness more, and 3) Contamination OCD isn't just a "love of washing hands" (despite hand-washing being one of my compulsions, gotta love irony! 😂) but a genuine fear of becoming ill, others getting hurt or becoming ill and a general obsession (obsession as in someone constantly thinks and analyses over it not because they really like the subject) over basic hygiene. 

My story with Contamination OCD has come and gone throughout my life since my initial diagnosis with the overuse of hand sanitizer and the constant feeling of the need to wash my hands. Later after my diagnosis, when these symptoms appeared I don't think they ever became bad enough that help from therapy was needed again, I was able to work through it myself using the little knowledge I had gained and remembered from my first bout of therapy when I was younger. The real struggle with it came when I was around 17/18 years old when I was in my final year of college, studying for my A Level exams. At this time, my sister had shared the amazing news that she was pregnant and that I was going to be an Auntie! I was so happy, I cried when she told me! (I mean, I didn't believe her at first but that's not the point! 😂) During that time, my sister and I lived apart, she would come up every day though and spend the day with us where I was living with our Mum and Grandad whilst her fiancé was at work. Even though I was mainly at college for this time, when the holidays would come about I would then get to see and spend time with her. At this point, my OCD started to rear its ugly head again and it really came back around to bite me in the ass! I started becoming obsessed with germs and my hygiene, especially when it came to going to the bathroom, the clothes I was wearing including how I took them on and off, and even being able to sit down anywhere! Imagine having your brain tell you that you can't sit down because if you do, you're going to make someone ill! All of this was triggered by the news of the baby. What happened was that I suddenly became so terrified that I was going to cause my sister to lose her baby because of my germs! I would be constantly washing my hands again and again, sanitising consistently throughout the day so that if I had to hand anything over to my sister or if she touched what I had already touched then she wouldn't become ill and/or it wouldn't hurt the baby. And because I was so scared that it would be my fault if anything happened and I didn't want anything to happen, I believed and did what my brain told me, I washed, I cleaned, I even tried to keep my distance from my sister. However, this behaviour wasn't just limited to when my sister was around but even when she wasn't there and when I was at college or travelling to college. Even when the baby was born, these compulsions and obsessions had become really stuck and set in their ways. I once had to get my Mum to follow me around whilst I listed off things to her that needed cleaning.

One of the main compulsions that I had was the long time it took me to wash my hands and the constant hand-washing itself. I would count to 20 in my head for every part of my hands from fingers to nails, to the back of the hands, everything - I probably could've scrubbed into a surgery by the length of time it took me to wash my hands and the routine I had in washing them! Not only did I count to 20 whilst washing my hands, but I would also use so much soap because I thought that if I didn't use the right amount then it wouldn't clean my hands properly and kill off all the germs. I would have to clean my hands if I touched anything that I classed as "dirty" which could've been a countertop in the kitchen, a door handle, or even after getting changed - it could’ve been anything really. Every time I got changed whether it was for bed or for the day, I would have to wash my hands (counting to 20 each time). This constant hand-washing was a problem within itself, however, just to make my life a little bit more fun, I started running into complications from washing my hands so much. Not only was my Mum having to spend so much money on always needing to buy soap but because I was washing my hands for such a long time and constantly throughout the day, the skin on my hands started to become extremely dry, however, this didn't stop my OCD, I still had to keep up the hand-washing no matter how dry my hands got. Since my hands didn't get a break, they eventually became sore and cracked, I would have tiny cuts across my knuckles and fingers. Now imagine having to keep putting hand sanitizer on with my sore hands . . . Ouch!! I had to start using hand cream, and let me tell you, the search for the right hand cream is like trying to find the perfect partner! You search for them in many different places, looking at different brands, sizes, types, ingredients, what type of skin it's meant for, and scent, and you still can't find the right one! (That turned slightly creepy . . . Sorry! 😂) I tried out so many different hand creams but none seemed to work, they were either too greasy and/or didn't even touch the dryness and make any sort of difference to my skin! I eventually found the right one and it's always worked - even to this day! I would put it on every night before bed and it created a nice protective layer around my skin and helped restore my hands from the dryness and cuts.

With therapy and time, I was and have been able to get my hand-washing down so I only count to 10 (instead of 20) whilst washing and I don't use as much soap anymore; however, more problems did start to arise and I'll talk more about this in the next post as my hand-washing problem didn't end here. (Sadly!)

Another big compulsion that I had at the time that made my life difficult was the inability to comfortably be able to sit down wherever I wanted. And I'm talking about sitting in the safety of my own living area! I couldn't just sit down on the sofa or in the car, no, I had to sit down on either a black bin bag or a plastic bag that you would get from the shops. This compulsion came from the fear that if I sat down without that layer and then someone else sat down in the same place after me, they would get a Sexually Transmitted Disease (STD) . . . Yep, you read that right. I, someone who doesn't have an STD nor had had sex, thought I would pass on an STD by sitting down on a sofa . . . Ladies and gentlemen and all the other fine people, I present to you, me and my distorted way of thinking, a round of applause, please! 👏 😂 But yeah, this was such a massive fear for me that I would sit on black bags but no, it doesn't stop there! I would also wear sanitary towels even when I wasn't on my period, and when I was outside or at college or anywhere else, I would take a jacket with me, wrap it around my waist and sit on that. When I was at college, I would constantly be going to the toilets at break times to change my sanitary towels and to actually use the toilet (even if I didn't really need to) as my OCD made me believe that it would help clean the germs out of me and keep everyone safe in my next lesson. But since I also had my hand-washing compulsions and the obvious queue to get into the bathroom, most of my break times were spent in the bathrooms - so much fun . . . Not!

But really, this compulsion made my life so difficult because I would get into a state of panic if I had to go anywhere or if there wasn't a black bag available, even at home! My Mum would have to carry one with us to the car and set it up for me because I couldn't do so as I couldn't touch it otherwise I would've had to wash my hands. My Mum was and has been my lifesaver during my battle with OCD as she's the one that makes sure everything is as ready for me as she could get and would always do so no matter what or if anyone said or made any comment. When I referred myself for therapy for this bout of OCD, my amazing therapist helped me to see and understand that what I was doing and what my OCD was making me believe was completely irrational and I was able to stop sitting on bags and wrapping a jacket around my waist and stopped believing that I would pass on an STD to someone who sat in the same seat as me. I was so happy when I was able to sit down without fear and for someone else to sit in the same seat as me - I felt a little bit freer!

So I've talked about the hand-washing and the inability to sit down anywhere without prevention, and now I'm going to tell you about the difficulty it took for me to get dressed every day! This leads on from the same fear and problems I had with being able to sit down, the overwhelming fear that I was going to pass on an STD (I know, I know 😂) and not just that but also an overwhelming feeling and fear of being "dirty" or that I was going to make someone ill somehow. I thought this would happen because of me whenever I would be getting dressed by letting certain areas of the clothes touch me whilst trying to take them off, mainly it was the crotch areas of my trousers and if it accidentally touched my legs or feet. Now, if you're sitting there reading this, trying to think of how else you're supposed to get changed out of trousers without letting the middle part touch you, you're going to be sitting there for a long time because let me tell you, it took great time, effort, energy, and difficulty in getting dressed with no problems! (And no, I wasn't just standing around trying to physically jump out of my trousers in one fell swoop, I probably would've broken my neck . . . Actually, knowing me, I definitely would've broken my neck . . .! 😂) I was only able to "safely" get the trousers off by moving very slowly and carefully. However, more often than not, I wasn't able to do it without the middle part of the trousers touching me (shocker, I know 😂), this would then lead me to have to clean myself down. Now, before I go on to explain how I cleaned myself down, I wanted to make something VERY CLEAR, in no way, shape, or form, do I condone, advise, suggest, recommend or wanted to do it this way, my OCD, my disorder, told me that this was the best way to clean myself down and to keep everyone safe! Please, please, please do not do this or copy this behaviour! To get myself clean, my OCD told me to use Dettol Wipes or if that wasn't available, Dettol Surface Spray and use kitchen paper and then wipe myself down. Yes, you read that right! My disorder told me to clean myself using kitchen cleaning products - I would use the wipes on my feet and legs if I couldn't get out of my trousers "safely". Not only did I use it for my legs but eventually my OCD made it difficult for me to get changed altogether in fear of germs and someone getting dirty and/or ill because of me, I used Dettol on my arms, stomach, in my hair, even on my face! Writing that down, I feel pretty embarrassed to think that I had to do that because I didn't feel safe and my OCD didn't like me using anything else because it made me believe that anything else wasn't "strong enough" to clean off the germs and dirt. I know I shouldn't be embarrassed that I used to do that because I had an illness, I have an illness, that told me and made me believe that if I didn't clean myself down properly then I was going to make everyone around me ill, that if I didn't clean myself down the way it told me to, my sister would lose her baby and it would be my fault. I was a victim, I was suffering, and I didn't enjoy using Dettol to clean myself nor did I enjoy making my Mum keep going out to buy it so I could get changed. This took a long time to combat and stop doing, through therapy I was able to swap the Dettol for hand sanitizer instead (it may not be completely the best option but it was way better and safer than using Dettol on my body), I have now swapped it completely to soap and water. I will talk more about this process in my next post as there was more to it and was difficult for me to do because of my OCD. However, I can say that I do not use Dettol anymore for cleaning myself and that is something I'm very proud of being able to say! As I said before, DO NOT use Dettol or any sort of household cleaning product of any kind on you as it's not safe, it's not healthy, and is unnecessary!

As you can tell, life with OCD isn't easy, what most people think is just a "love for cleaning" or being a "neat freak" or a perfectionist is actually a disorder that lies to you, it tells you that you have control and it's keeping you safe but it really isn't. It makes you feel hurt, alone, depressed, and exhausted, it can leave you wondering, "Hey Universe, Did You Forget About Me?"

My next post will be out next Monday where I will be telling the final part of my story (I mean it this time! 😂) with OCD, where I'm at with the disorder, and my recovery! Don’t forget to follow me on Instagram at @heyuniverseblog for more content and updates on new posts!

Sending hope, kindness, and good vibes!

Emily 🌌

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