Reduce, Reuse, Relapse

TRIGGER WARNING: Talks of relapse, Depression, dark humour, harmful behaviour (hair pulling), and self-harm. Reader discretion is advised! 

"A relapse is a temporary setback, but it doesn't mean you can't get back on track and keep moving forward." - Unknown

These past 3 weeks, a lot has happened both good and bad (in typical me style 😂), I wasn't posting so that I could recharge my creativity and take some time for myself and right before I did so, something happened . . . It was something that had been building up for a while but I essentially became an Ostrich and put my head in the sand. I didn't want to pay it attention, and I thought that if I didn't pay it any attention, it would go away, that it wasn't a problem and it wouldn't actually be a part of my life and have an effect on me again. But something that's really been pushed into my head and learnt from this is that, ignoring your problems or what's going on in life, and pretending that it's not actually happening doesn't actually stop the problems. It doesn't get rid of them or prevent them. You will have to deal with them eventually and it's sometimes best to deal with them sooner rather than later.

I had a relapse with something that I thought I was in the clear with and I wanted to talk about it because relapse, in any aspect, is nothing to be ashamed about. It's not something to hold over your own head and be used as something to put yourself down with. Relapse is not a dirty word. It comes across as scary, I definitely agree with that, but it's not something to be scared of. So I'm going to say the word, relapse, to desensitise it in a way, because it's okay to admit you have relapsed, it's okay that it has happened, it's okay to be going through it.

Something that I suffer from, alongside the joy that is OCD, Depression, and Autism (because you know, why just stop at one when I can go for the whole collection, like a bingo card! 😂), I suffer from Trichotillomania (pronounced: Trick-o-till-o-mania), which is basically a long, fancy, medical term for obsessive hair pulling. Now I know you may read the word "obsessive" and think it has something to do with my OCD. This isn't the case. For some people who suffer from this condition, it can be linked to OCD but for me, it isn't.

I suffered from Trichotillomania very badly when I was 16 years old, which was probably due to my Depression at the time and now looking back on it, with what I now know, I can see that I was engaging in this behaviour for two reasons: one, I think it was a form of self-harm, and two, I was also doing it because it was a self-soothing behaviour of some kind that grounded me which could be linked to my undiagnosed Autism at the time which I will talk about in a minute. It got so bad that I had clear bald patches on my head, people were noticing that my hair was thinning, and because I used to wear a plait to school, people were asking if I had got my hair cut because my plait was getting smaller when in reality it was just thinning because I didn't have much hair to be tied back. The bald patches I tried to creatively cover up with either how my hair was brushed back or by wearing a headband to cover it. It got to the point where it was just so bad that I decided to shave my hair off because I didn't know what else to do! For me, it was difficult to try and come up with ways to stop pulling my hair because I didn't know what to do and a lot of the time I may not have been paying attention that I was pulling. I could be on the phone or watching a movie or doing my homework and my hand would be in my hair. So I made the decision to shave my hair off because at least then I wouldn't be able to pull my hair and I could break that habit and get used to not doing that behaviour at all. And it worked! That doesn't mean though if you suffer from this condition or something similar that this is what to do, in no ways am I saying that, this is just what worked for me! If you or someone you know is or you think may be suffering from Trichotillomania, please talk to a professional or talk to your doctor! There are recovery options out there and you deserve to recover and feel better! 💜

After my hair grew back, I didn't pull it again! I actually dyed it some cool colours! Pink, blue, red! It was great, and I loved it! (And I'm not going to lie, I would like to do it again! 😬😂) I didn't have problems with the Trichotillomania after that. The only other time I had to shave my hair off was because of the OCD which was a different issue entirely.

What's happened now though is that I've had a relapse with the Trichotillomania and have been pulling my hair again. It became a case of "Oh just one more and I'll stop" but I would keep doing it, "Oh, just one more," "Oh, just one more" almost like when trying to savour popcorn before watching movie, "just one more grab of popcorn" and then you'll save the rest for the movie but you still continue eating it! One last time turns into multiple last times. It got to the point where I had bald patches coming through again and when I noticed them (made myself notice them), that's when I realised and had to pay it attention. I had to admit that I had relapsed. When I did, I knew I had to stop but I was then worried about how my hair would grow back from those patches because it would grow unevenly compared to the places on my head that I hadn't pulled and had a good length of hair there. I then thought, "You know what, I'm going to have to shave the whole lot off to be on the safe side." Which is what I've done, I've shaved my hair. I'm quite confident and comfortable with shaving my head, I think I look great! It did hurt to have to shave it because it took time to grow it back out again after the OCD shaving but I think it was for the best for me to do. I was pulling and like I said at the beginning, I didn't want to believe that it was a problem again, I wanted to believe that it was just a one off thing, which became a two off thing, and so on. I wanted to believe that I was fine and that it would ease off, I didn't want to admit that I had fallen back into that behaviour . . . I didn't want to admit I had relapsed.

So this is a long-winded, storytelling version of me saying all in all, at the end of the day, your girl's got no hair and is still looking fabulous! 💜😂. Well, I'm not completely bald anymore because I shaved it over a month ago or so now, so it has started growing back, I've now got fluffy fuzz on my head! 😂

I'm okay, though. I wanted to say that, that I'm okay, I'm doing okay. I've sat with this for a while now and I've become used to it and I'm learning from it and also about it. I do feel sad that I relapsed, that I was pulling my hair and going bald again but I'm showing myself some love and kindness, I'm not berating myself for it because it's not going to help and it's not going to make me feel better which is what I wanted to feel again. If I wanted to feel bad about myself, I was already feeling that when I was pulling. I still sometimes feel uncomfortable and worried about my hair and what I look like because there are some parts on my head which are growing back slower than the rest, which are the places I was pulling from so they're taking some more time to grow back but it'll be okay! If anyone knows any tips on how to stimulate hair growth, then please comment them below or DM me on Instagram (tagged below!), I'd really appreciate it! 💜

I currently wear this pink beanie whenever I go out which I love and is comfortable so that's good! I'll tell you what though, it's unbelievable how many people stare at you when you go out and you have no hair! I understand that if you're not used to seeing it then you look and process it but you don't have to stare! 😂 People sometimes stare at me and because I'm used to having no hair, I get worried thinking, "Oh my God, is something on me?! Is something on my face?!" When in reality it's because I'm wearing a beanie and there's clearly no hair poking out from underneath it. I don't pay it too much attention but it can be annoying - yeah, I've got no hair and you're trying to place, "what's wrong with me", but look out the window or something! You don't have to stare at me whilst you do so because you're just making me feel uncomfortable! 😂 This is also a PSA for you or anyone out there, if you see someone wearing an outfit, a top, shoes, a make-up look, a wig or if they have a skin condition, or disability or if they're stimming or something: Do 👏 Not 👏 Stare 👏 At 👏 Them 👏 Don't laugh at them, don't make them uncomfortable, just leave them be. Let them exist. Let them take up space that they're entitled to just like you or anyone else. They're not affecting anyone, they're just existing, they're simply being. Leave them be. Let them be. Don't make people feel uncomfortable for simply living their lives. Also, put yourself in my (and others) shoes, if you didn't have hair, or had a disability etc. or were a bit different than what everyone classes as the "norm", you wouldn't want people staring at you and making you feel uncomfortable?

Throughout this healing period, the main question that kept coming up for me was, why? Why was I pulling again? What was the reason? I just didn't understand why I was doing this again. I was no more anxious or depressed than usual and I felt like I was feeling and doing good so why did I relapse?

I've been doing some research that my younger self would be proud of (younger self high-five!)! 😂 Since I couldn't pinpoint what caused this to happen, I went to Google, (dun dun dunnnnn), not to look up symptoms but to read more about Trichotillomania and reasoning’s for possible relapses, maybe it's something I wasn't thinking of? One of the suggested searches that came up was "Trichotillomania and Autism" which grabbed my attention as since being diagnosed with Autism a year and a half ago, not only am I always wanting to learn more about my Autism but also because I never considered there to be a link between that and my Trichotillomania. I read that hair pulling can be seen in Autistic people as a stimming behaviour, it's a way for them to self-soothe and self-regulate. The sensory feeling felt helps ground them and can be somewhat satisfactory, the obvious problem is that it's a harmful behaviour which isn't good or to be promoted. This information somewhat made sense to me, I'm not going to go into too much detail about how the behaviour made me feel or anything, but it made sense as to maybe why I had my relapse. Hair pulling could be me self-soothing as I did find that I could zone out but it’s a harmful behaviour. I was hurting myself and negatively affecting the way I looked! So please if you're also Autistic or Neurodivergent in any way, or you also suffer from Trichotillomania or something similar, please know that you're not alone and that there is help out there (I've linked some below!). Know that you shouldn't pull your hair because it does hurt you, please allow yourself help! 💜

I don't know if this is why I had a relapse and I'm still not completely sure but when I asked my Mum about whether to make this post or not as I had no "happy ending" where I figured out the reason for it happening, she helped me to see that it would be a good thing to post this anyway. Because sometimes you don't get an answer for why something happened or turned out the way it did, you just have to pick yourself back up and carry on, take what knowledge and lessons you may've learnt and continue to grow.

Relapse isn't a positive thing but it's also not a completely negative thing either, it's simply just there. It's okay for things to go wrong or not how you expected them to, it's also completely okay (and important) to admit that you're not doing okay and that something's off. Even when other parts of your life are improving and going well for you, those more difficult moments, one, don't mean that you're failing, two, doesn't mean that everything is ruined and isn't going well, and three, shouldn't be ignored in hopes that they'll go away on their own.

So I want you to know, to the person reading this now, it's okay to completely screw up. It's okay to just slightly mess up. It's okay to have a relapse. It's okay to have a setback (no matter how many!). You're only human, you're living your life and trying to figure it out all at the same time! How are you supposed to do that flawlessly?! You can't! And that's okay! You're not alone in that (which I personally find really comforting! 😂). The fact that you're trying at all is incredible. It doesn't matter whether you've made a mistake at work, with your family, at school, or relapsed in your recovery, you're only human and you're going to be okay! I believe in you, no matter what setbacks or relapses occur, you've got this! Life may be tough, but so are you! 💜

You can reduce the bad, painful things in life, and reuse the good things to keep the joy alive, that doesn't mean a relapse is the be all and end all of your happiness, your healing, and your recovery. Notice it, pay attention to it, learn from it, and love yourself a little bit extra. Don't allow that temporary difficult moment to cause you to wonder, "Hey Universe, Did You Forget About Me?"

Thank you for reading - all the best! 💜

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Emily 🌌

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Helpful Links:
1) Speak to your doctor
2) OCD-UK (https://www.ocduk.org/related-disorders/trichotillomania/)
3) Mind (https://www.mind.org.uk/)
4) NHS (UK) (https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/trichotillomania/)
5) Anxiety UK (https://www.anxietyuk.org.uk/anxiety-type/tricholtillomania/)