TRIGGER
WARNING: Talks
of suicide, death, dying, self-harm, dark humour, explicit language. READER
DISCRETION IS ADVISED!
"The bravest thing I ever did was continuing my life when I wanted to die." - Juliette Lewis
When I was 16, I nearly killed myself. I was only a kid,
someone who was studying for her GCSE exams but whilst everyone was worrying
about their maths exam or coursework that still needed to be completed, I was
thinking about death. What's it like? What happens to us after we die? Would it
hurt? I was ready to go, I was just waiting to be alone. Then a video came up
on YouTube titled something like, "Watch this if you don't want to be here
anymore" or something along those lines, it had a starry background and
was like a guided meditation. The person talking went through what would happen
if I went through with my decision, what would happen to me, how and who would
find me, their reaction, what they'd do, and so on, taking me on a journey of
an emotional ride on what life would be like for those in my life afterwards,
from my family, friends, to those who knew me in school etc. Listening to it,
time went by quickly. By the end of it, I was crying and felt so broken and
weathered, that before I could think of anything else, I quickly got up off my
bed, put my phone on charge, hid the note I had written, turned off the light
and got under my bed covers. I remember how tightly I gripped onto my bed sheet
that night, curled in a foetal position with my hands under my pillow, gripping
onto the sheet like if I let go or eased my grip, I would go through with what
I had planned. I look back now, 7 years later and I'm awed and thankful for
that video appearing on my YouTube. I also look back and wish more than anything
I could go and see 16 year old Emily and simply just sit with her so she didn't
feel so alone. To tell her that she's going to be okay, not necessarily in the
way she thinks, but tell her that she doesn't deserve to feel that way, that
pain. She was only a kid . . . I was only a kid.
September marks World Suicide Awareness Month, and yesterday, September 10th,
was World Suicide Prevention Day. I nearly lost myself to suicide and it's
something that I'm not ashamed to say and neither should you. I really wanted
to write a post specifically for this awareness because of my experience and to
also help me feel less alone, to hopefully help you feel less alone, and
help continue to break the stigma surrounding suicide. The problem is though,
what do you write? Besides the most important part: don't kill yourself, and
that it's not the answer, and there's help out there because they're all
true and because they're all true, everyone writes the same
things of urging you to keep fighting, to reach out for help, to talk to someone,
which of course, yes, you should do - there's always someone out there to help
you! These are all true and important statements and things you should know if
you're struggling or know someone who is struggling. Then I thought back to
what would've helped 16 year old Emily and I realised that would've been
someone understanding and validating the pain she was feeling because that
would mean that she wasn't alone and that others knew and understood what she
was going through. So that's what I hope this is for those who may need it,
someone to say, "I see you, I hear you, I know your pain. And you can
make it through it."
Sitting down to write this, has been an experience to say the least because I
want to write, I have ideas of what to write but nothing comes out. No matter
how hard I try, no matter what time I write, I can't get the words out. And
that, in itself, is what feeling suicidal is sadly like. Having these feelings
and everything but not necessarily having the words to express them . . . But
I'm going to give it a go because you should never feel like taking your life
is the answer, to feel so alone in the world, because you're not, I care, which
therefore doesn't make you alone. ❤️🩹
I'm of course, in no way a professional when it comes to mental health,
suicidal behaviours and tendencies or anything like that so please reach out
and talk to a doctor or family or friends, or look at the end of this post for
resources to help you! Because
there is help out there and you deserve help!
If you're struggling, never think that there isn't help for you, there is! You
just need to be incredibly brave and strong enough to reach out for it! You are
not alone, not in life, not in how you feel, not at all. ❤️🩹
I was 16 when I first experienced suicidal behaviours but it sadly didn't stop
there. I've struggled with suicidal ideation throughout my life, when I was 16,
18, 21 and 22. What is it with the big birthdays? Whilst everyone else was
partying and celebrating their big ones, why did I get a kick in the head with
my mental health? 😂
As you know, if you've been following along and reading my blog for a while, a
couple of years ago, I was in the worst mental place of my life. This was all
due to how severe my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) had become. It had
taken over my life and that's not an exaggeration! I struggled to walk around
my flat, I had to change the way I breathed, I couldn't shower or brush my
teeth, I wasn't able to leave my flat, I was sleeping all day and taking 3 - 8
hours to go to the bathroom and get changed, I was eating my dinner at 7am and
going to bed at 9am because I couldn't do anything else without help. That's
the first time I ever properly felt like a mental illness was actually capable
of killing like a physical illness. Nearly every day, I felt like I was just
waiting for death, hoping and wishing for it too. To this day, if you had asked
me whilst I was in that place, if I was going to be alive two years later, I
would've firmly said, "No way! I'm not going to make it to then."
Even my Mum says that she herself is surprised and so grateful that I'm here
today because back then, even she didn't think I would make it out alive. When
she came up every day to help me and I took my time to answer my door because I
struggled to walk around the flat, she was terrified and believed that I had
actually taken my life and she didn't know what she would be walking in on.
Now, I'm so much better, I'm in recovery for my OCD, I'm becoming more
independent again, and more importantly . . . I'm safe. ❤️🩹
You can feel safe too, all I ask is that you fight and you ask for help, and
finds ways to support you that are safe and helpful! ❤️🩹
I know how hard it is to fight to stay alive when everything in you wants to
give up but you can push through it, you can make it out of this! I never in my
dreams believed that I would be sitting here alive today, writing this but by
some amazing show of strength, courage, and fear, I'm still here. I know
it's difficult and you may not see a way out but there is, I know there is!
Just keep fighting, keep getting back up, keep looking and reaching out for
help! ❤️🩹
When people talk about suicide, 1 of 2 things happen. The first thing is that
some people get embarrassed, they don't make eye contact, and shut the
conversation down because it's "too taboo" to talk about, it's
"too dark", it's "too horrible". That stigma creates a veil
of shame around those who are struggling and suffering from those things and
that's not okay, it's not helpful. It makes it even more difficult for people
to open up and say they're struggling and ask for help because they feel
embarrassed due to others creating the idea or implication that to feel
depressed or suicidal or to self-harm is something to be embarrassed about. It
isn't. It's what someone is feeling and they deserve to be listened to and
helped with no shame or judgement. Let's spread more kindness and compassion to
others, especially if they're struggling. Those people who dismiss
talking about suicide don't want to acknowledge its real existence in life and
when someone tries to change that narrative and talk about it, they don't like
it. We saw it when Netflix's series, "13 Reasons Why," came out.
People had so many strong opinions about the suicide scene and the other
horrible realities of what some people go through that were shown in that
series. But for me, when I first watched it, I thought it was a tragically well
done piece of media because it was accurate. People don't think about taking
their life by suicide in a spur of the moment way like the comments probably
believed. It's planned, it's thought out, it's as horrible and sad as it was
depicted in the series. We think about it from every angle and we think about
other people's reactions. You don't just go blindly into it. Now imagine how
much pain someone must be in to think that's their answer, to end their life
and cut it short? There is so much pain. It's not a flippant decision that's
made and it's not a topic that should be dismissed when help is out there!
The second thing that happens when someone talks about suicide is that other
people sometimes try to bombard them with so many positive and hopeful things
to try and help. Which don't get me wrong, those things are so important and
are needed to help those who are suffering and struggling by them knowing
there's a helpline for them. It's helpful to know that there's help out there
but when you're in that moment and you're trying with every ounce of your being
to hold on to life, having positivity shoved on you makes you feel worse
because you don't believe it. People need to feel seen and heard in their pain,
that what they're feeling is real, that “it’s okay to not be okay".
When all you've got is that darkness around your brain, none of that positive
light can come through. And so I wanted to tell you that if you are struggling,
that you are valid in your pain, you are valid in how you feel, and I
understand that you believe that taking your life is the answer but it's not. Suicide is never
the answer, which I know is one of the more cliché responses
people give but it's said so much because it's true. There is light and
there is hope in the most smallest of places. Even if there is only a tiny
flicker of light, that tiny flicker of hope in you that life can be better,
that you deserve to get better, that you can get better, I beg of you to
hold onto that. To keep your eye on that light and to try and ignite it in any
way you can and add anything to that fire to get it to burn brighter. If that's
by taking more time for yourself to rest, if that's by eating more of your
favourite foods, if that's by watching your favourite movies, watching your
favourite series, if that's by crying your eyes out because you need some kind
of safe release, then do it. Ignite that light in you. Even if you don't
want to do it because you feel so numb and so much pain from that darkness
clouding you, find a way to ignite that light. Journal and write one line
saying, "Life is shit," it can be so helpful just to write it out.
Acknowledge that pain, it's so important because you've made that first step in
acknowledging and opening that door onto it, not brushing it under the carpet.
It's real. That's the thing, the pain and darkness are such real things. Safely
express it, feel it as long as you're safe, and if you're not then please
listen to those things that everyone (and I) say! Find those helplines, text or call
the Crisis helpline, text Shout, take yourself to hospital, call emergency
services!
Try and find any way to keep that light going even if that's just telling
yourself to get through today or to get through the next half hour. Just try
and make it through. Help can come from anywhere. I got help when I was 16 by
both my Drama teacher/Form Tutor and my Computer Science teacher. They both
helped me, and I can hand on heart say that they saved my life. They saved me,
and if I could see them again, I'd give them both a huge hug and thank them so
much for being there for me. ❤️🩹
My Computer Science teacher gave me a safe and comfortable opportunity and
space to talk, to say that I feel horrible, that I wish I was dead, that I was
hurting myself, that I didn't feel anything. That space he gave me created a
spiral of support being given at school, but if he hadn't had reached out to
me, if he didn't extend that hand of, "You're not alone in this. You're
not alone in this world. I care about you," I may not even be here today.
I may not be as emotionally and mentally with it as I am today (which says a
lot considering how messed up my brain can be 😂). For my Drama
teacher/Form Tutor, what can I say? She was an actual angel sent from heaven, I
swear. She was my second Mum and saved me in so many ways! I could write a
whole blog post on how she changed my life! But in this instance, she got me to
admit, not only to her but to myself, that I was suicidal, she made me
(lovingly and supportively) call my Doctors and request an emergency
appointment that day, despite how much I resisted, which she then even pulled
me out of my lessons for, came and sat with me in the waiting room, and brought
me back to school (I think she even paid for the taxi rides to and from
herself! ❤️🩹).
If she hadn't have done that, I never would've been given medical help and
referred to for therapy, I could've gone on the way I was going and made myself
even more ill. And I think that would've been even more difficult to come back
from.
So reach out to a trusted family member, friend, teacher, or medical
professional. Some of the helplines can be anonymous if that's a concern for
you, but you need to reach out for help and accept it because you deserve to
feel better. Even if you don't believe that anyone can help or create solutions
for you, finding a safe way to get that pain and thinking out of your head
either by journaling, creating a playlist, creating a Pinterest board
explaining/showing how you feel can be so beneficial! I've found that just
getting it out of my head can help so much! Get it out of you, write, draw,
listen to music, read, create an expressive/interpretive dance piece even, if
that's something you want to do! 😂
It can help get it all out of your system safely. Because I know you believe,
like I believed, that hurting yourself is the way to tell people that you're in
pain, that you can't find the words to explain how horrible you feel so maybe
you can show it in some other way but you don't deserve that! You are the one
person who will be with you throughout your life and that is a beautiful thing.
And it can be so incredible to have that relationship with yourself. You've got
to have your own back. Treat yourself like you would your child (if that aligns
with what you want), or a family member, or a pet, nurture that relationship
with yourself like you would with someone else because you are worthy of it no
matter what your brain tells you, no matter what other people may tell you, or
how much you believe you're not worthy of it, you are! ❤️🩹
Let this be your YouTube video, let this be the hand reaching out to you
saying, "You're not alone in this. You're not alone in this world. I care
about you," let this be your thing that helps you to realise that you deserve
help.
Let's talk about it! We need to talk about it, to help each other, to help
ourselves, and to help our society and communities to be a bit more caring and
understanding. We all need help, whether that's in the form of a hug, someone
to listen to, some time off work or school or responsibilities, medication
(when prescribed by a medical professional), or even by simply admitting you're
not okay. You will get through this and you will be okay again, you just need
to hold on, please, just hold on because I know what it feels like to think,
"Hey Universe, Did You Forget About Me?"
Please feel free to comment, share, and follow me on my socials below! 💜🌌
Thank you so much for reading - look after yourself and those around you. All
the best! 💜
Emily 🌌
FOLLOW ME ON:
Instagram: @heyuniverseblog
TikTok: @emilypardey
©️ Hey Universe, Did You Forget About Me?, 2023, all rights reserved.
Suicide Prevention Helplines and Services:
• International Association for Suicide Prevention: https://www.iasp.info/wspd/
(These are UK numbers and services, if you don't live in the UK please call a
family member, friend, trusted person, your doctor, or look online. There is help
out there for you!)
• Call your GP
• Talk to a family member
• Talk to a friend or someone you trust
• Call 111 (UK)
• SHOUT: (Text) SHOUT to 85258 or visit their website: https://giveusashout.org/
• Samaritans UK: (Phone) 116 123 or visit their website: https://www.samaritans.org/
• Mind: https://www.mind.org.uk/
List and links to many different helplines, organisations, and services: https://www.itv.com/thismorning/articles/suicide-prevention-helplines
Comments
Post a Comment