TRIGGER WARNING:
Mentions of self-harm, suicide, and depression. Dark humour is used. Reader
discretion is advised!
"Yes, you've been broken, but see it as a chance to rebuild
yourself as whatever you want." - J.StΕelou
Okay, so here's a question for you . . . Who are you? Who
the heck are we? I'm serious. Who actually are we? It's been something
that I've been made to think about recently and it's been driving me nuts! π And I know the
common response people give are that we're what we love, the things we enjoy,
the people we love, we're our passions, our goals, our hopes, the communities
we belong to, and so much more. But does anyone else feel like that there may
be something more missing? I mean, there's no label or title to give ourselves
is there? That aren't based off our profession or job? If you're a teacher,
then you're a "teacher", that's your title. If you're a nurse, you're
a "nurse", that's another title. But as an individual how do you
describe and explain yourself? What do you title yourself? Introvert?
Extravert? Omnivert? Loud? Quiet? Confident? Shy? These are all adjectives, not
necessarily titles so who are we? Is there even just one word we can title and
call ourselves (and before any of you smarty's comment, I don't mean our names!
ππ)
I mean, who am I? I've been fighting a severe, debilitating illness 24/7 for
the past 4/5 years of my life so who the heck am I, besides a vessel for my
illness? I know that I'm not just that, I know and feel there's more to
me but what or who is that? I know I want to be better and live a life
not centred around my OCD but what does that look like exactly? Besides me
having more control and autonomy over my life, body, and choices I make, that
is! π
I recently had a therapy appointment with my main port of call therapist and we
talked about implementing more good things into my life to help push out the
bad things (the OCD) so that I can spend more time doing something (or anything
really) that aren't my compulsions and basic survival tasks. So he asked me
(and not for the first time since we started working together), "What do
you want to do once the OCD isn't so prevalent in your life?" Now my
typical answer is that I want to be able to do basic life skills again, to
potter around the house helping my Mum so she doesn't have to do everything. I
want to be able to cook, clean, do the dishes, do the laundry because I do
actually enjoy doing it, it's rhythmic and somewhat calming. But this response
is never fully accepted because they're seen as necessary life skills, they're
not goals or things to drive us which yes, I get where he's coming from, if I
had to choose between doing something I love all day and doing chores, I'd
probably choose doing something I love but still, I didn't know what the answer
was that he wanted because to me, those goals make sense for me to work towards
but not to him. So I'm sat there like, "Okay . . . How the heck am I
supposed to know then?!" I know he's talking about passions, dreams, career
ideas and such but for someone who for the past 4/5 years has only been
thinking about nothing other than simply surviving through the 24 hours in
front of her in one piece, I had no idea what to say, it's not something I've
been able to think about much.
What I want out of life has been a question I've been debating for a few years
now, especially since the severity of my OCD kicked up a to a whole new level
(an understatement! π).
When therapists have asked, "Who is Emily?" and "What do
you like to do in your downtime?", it's always stumped me. It gets me
questioning . . . Who the heck am I? Because people always advise you to look
at your personality, hobbies, interests and such to help decide what you want
to do in life. I mean, when I was younger, I was a good, studious student, who
had a close group of friends, I was a good daughter, good granddaughter, I
didn't poke a toe out of place (I mean I was also secretly depressed, burning
out, self harming, suicidal, and had undiagnosed Autism but hey! I got good
grades and helped my loved ones when I could sooo . . . There's both good and
bad? π€·♀️π).
But now? After going through the suffering and the pain that I've felt due to
my health? I don't know if I know. Who am I besides the OCD? It's literally
corroded the part of me that is me. What's scary is that I'm not sure what
plans I have for the future that doesn't include me somehow taking a
magical pill or cure for OCD because when I do picture that future, the
OCD isn’t there. π
What do you do when you feel like there's nothing or at the very least, not
much left of you but you've still got your whole life ahead of you?
I mean, this is a philosophical question that has pondered every single human
on this planet, all the great thinkers and brainiacs have tried to answer that
question, "Who Are We?" and there is no one answer so how the heck
does my therapist expect me to know?! π
What do I want to do? I feel like my younger self emerges and says to look into
going back to university or going into some form of education to get more
qualifications. The hurting part of me confusedly asks, there's a future where
the OCD isn't so prevalent? And then there's "me" me, who's sat there
in the room with my therapist, having no fricking clue, besides what I think is
expected of me, because all I feel still is hurt and scared by what I've been
through.
Do I want to go back to uni? If so, what do I study? Pick back up with
Sociology? Or study something different? Like Drama, or Psychology, or
Teaching? Do I go for full time or part time? Live in accommodation or live at
home? What about my age? There's also the part of me that isn't sure how to
navigate life as someone who's Autistic because I've never been in a situation
like uni or work with the known knowledge that I have Autism and that it isn't
just a mental disorder, it's an actual disability. I know I've technically been
Autistic all my life, when I've been in those situations before but now I do
know, I don't know how or what to advocate for myself and no
professional has helped me or seems to be willing to help or point me in the
right direction to know how to do this. What's also stumping me about why my
therapist is pushing me on this is because I'm still struggling to do some
basic stuff like going outside, getting changed without the use of gloves or
washing my hands and other things so how the heck am I supposed to be getting
myself to an adult education course? It also scares me to answer what I want to
do when the OCD isn't prevalent because I'm not sure what I want so what if I
answer wrong? What if I make the wrong decision? Especially as the only goal I
can agree on is being free to cook, clean, wash up and be "normal"
again? What would you do? Have you felt this confused and lost before?
So, since my therapist didn't take on board my original idea of wanting to be
able to do household chores again which, to me, essentially boils down to me
gaining my freedom back, I began questioning and evaluating everything. But
then after a long, heartfelt, in-depth conversation with my Mum, it hit me
(well, us). And it got me so excited about what this means for me now in my
recovery and opened my eyes so much that I wanted to share with you what we discovered!
Everyone goes through a transition period one way or another from kid to adult,
which typically happens between the ages of 18 - 21 years. Where it's expected
or can be seen as a societal norm to move away from your family to university
and then continue to live independently from them on for the rest of your life
(which when writing it, sounds really daunting! π³π).
You take on the roles that you may not have needed to before if you were
privileged enough to not have to do so, to start paying bills, keeping track of
money, doing chores around the home, managing your own schedule, work etc. Even
if you don't go to university, you start to come across and be seen as more of
an adult than a child within your family and society when in reality, it wasn't
long before you had to ask whether you could remove your blazer or not, or you
were made to put your hand up to simply ask a question, or were even given a
detention or sent to isolation for having the wrong shoes, or if and how many
piercings you had (which if you think has something to do with someone's
professionalism then you need to have a complete rethink but that's something
to discuss another time! π)
. . . But now we're expected to instantly know how to exist as an adult and be
able to just get on with it like we've been trained for it but we haven't. We
were in a system with a set, rigid schedule, our days and time were accounted
for 5 days a week, every week (except holidays) where we were taught certain
subjects and taught how to pass them, not how to pass as a functioning
adult in society!
But for me, I somewhat missed that transition period from kid to adult. From 18
to now (23), I've only been in survival mode, existing, I've been constantly
battling and being ill. I went to university with the assumption that the
independence and free reign would help subside the OCD but it didn't, it was
still there on top of the burn-out I felt from GCSE's and A Levels. So I had to
drop out and come back home, where from 2019 onwards, I was in a constant
battle for my life. That's all I've been thinking about for 4/5 years now, not
what I want to do with my life, not goals and aspirations but simply staying
alive. And now, once again, I'm expected to know what I want to do and aim for
in my life when I've been very preoccupied with something else entirely
up until now.
So what do I want from life? I'm not sure. Before I became so ill, I was still
considered a kid, a kid who could do things that her adult self now struggles
to do. She could cook, clean, live her life, go shopping, go outside, help out
with anything, meet up with friends. So when I'm asked, "What do you want
to do once the OCD isn't so prevalent in your life?", I say I want to be
able to do household chores again because that's my last saved point (like in a
video game). I know I can do that, also because that's the last time I remember
being "me". If I was to add any more stuff into this place in life
that I'm in, it wouldn't mix well with my current situation. Simply just trying
to push out the bad stuff by adding good stuff is just ignoring the problem.
The OCD, it's pain, and problems are still going to be there. Trying to add and
do more good stuff in life whilst I'm still struggling is only going to pile on
top of one another and fill up until it explodes because of me trying to handle
doing both the good stuff and surviving the bad.
Also, I don't know what life looks like as an adult without suffering from a
severe mental illness plus the added late diagnosis of Autism, as well as
healing my inner child. To be able to figure out who I want to be and what I
want to do, I need to get rid of and help remove or dilute the bad stuff (the
OCD). Then, once I'm comfortable at my last saved point, then I can figure out
life and catch up to those who did get to go through that transition from kid
to adult without being severely mentally ill.
I suppose that this creates a block for me to build myself on again, a new,
improved and more self-aware version of who I am, my newfound strengths, and my
weaknesses which are okay to have!
So who am I? I'm someone who has somehow, amazingly fought and survived
a battle with an illness that wants nothing more than to control my life and
kill me. I'm someone who's missed out on life experiences because I was busy
trying to stay alive, and that's okay to say has happened; I didn't ask for it,
I didn't want it but I made it through, I'm making it through. I'm someone who
doesn't back down from a fight from her own mind, life, and those who aren't
helping when they should be. I'm someone who advocates for a little more
compassion, kindness, patience, and acceptance for people and for within
ourselves. I may not know what I want to do with my life or "who I want to
be when I grow up" but I will know once I'm able to. Considering what I've
been up against, fought through, and survived? I think I'm doing pretty damn
amazing! And you are too, no matter what you're up against in life, whether
it's health struggles, work problems, family dilemmas, friendship issues, you
are capable and so much more stronger than you know. You can and will make it
through the tough times you find yourself in life, you're stronger than them.
Life is tough but so are you! π
I do know that whenever and whatever I figure out and decide what to do in my
life, it's a continuous journey and that decision may not be the actual end
destination and that's okay! I saw an image on Instagram explaining how life
and figuring out what you want to do and who you want to be is like walking on
stepping stones. You're on one stone, doing something that you want to do and
then that leads you to something else that takes your interest so you step onto
the next stone and so on where you move through life until you find the place
that makes you feel the most happiest and contempt. I really believe in this
way of thinking and I think that it's beautiful and not as daunting and threatening
as, "You need to know who you are, what you want to do with your life,
what career you will pursue, end of!" way of thinking that's so often
pushed onto us.
Who you are changes throughout life and probably once you do get to know
yourself, it's already changed someway again. Like the famous quote says, "Change
is the only constant" , (Heraclitus).
So, does anyone know how to figure this out? Who we are? What we should
do with our lives? It would be great if we did but I guess we figure it out as
we go along. But one thing I do know is that there may be no one and
right answer to who we are because we're the first one of ourselves
individually that has existed before so how are we to know? Our paths are
different, we are different. But one thing that is true and connects us all is
that whatever you decide to do will always lead you to where you're meant to
be. Even though I know it feels like at times that there's too many questions
and not enough answers, leading us to ask, "Hey Universe, Did You Forget
About Me?"
Thank you for reading - all the best! π
Please feel free to comment, share, and follow me on my socials below! ππ
Emily π
FOLLOW ME ON:
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TikTok: @emilypardey
©️ Hey Universe, Did You Forget About Me?, 2023, all rights reserved.
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