This Is Going To Hurt

"Note to self: When things feel overwhelming, remember. . . One thought at a time. One task at a time. One day at a time." - LifeRhino

Oh my God, did you see that?! Right there?! It was my ability to know what the heck is going on just flying out the window! Since my last post I've been a bit all over the place but then again, what else is new? 😂 Even whilst I was starting to write this, I had that old sound from TikTok, "What the f**k is going on?" going around my head! 😂 But I do think I somewhat called it in my last post though! I did say that it would be ironic and just my luck if my upbeat, happy feeling and mood I was in got tested the following week and well . . . That was two weeks ago! Since I posted that, I think it's safe to say that did happen and everything crashed! 😂 But I'm trying to remain and keep my positive attitude and mood going despite everything else so even though I've had a somewhat difficult couple of weeks, I'm still here, I'm still fighting every day, and I know that those more difficult moments won't last forever and are only temporary. It doesn't mean that I'm failing in my recovery or going backwards, it simply just means that moment was difficult. But guess what?! Oh my God, I'm so happy to be able to share this but guess who went on a road trip the other week . . .?! I did! I actually fought and was able to leave the flat with my Mum and go on a road trip to see my niece and my sister to spend the day with them! I did this despite my OCD yelling at me about all the "dirt" and "germs" and cleaning I was going to have to do when I got back but I still did it anyway! Woop woop! 🙌 I'm so happy and proud of myself for being able to do that, I had a great time playing with my niece and getting out of the flat for a while! I'm not going to lie, it did take me a couple of days to recover and feel somewhat more "normal" and grounded afterwards but that's okay! I did it! And it was worth it! 💜

That amazing success started this new conversation for me about my recovery and continuing to take active steps forward and how I could do that. Whilst also considering the reality and practical ways to do so considering that I'm still waiting for my therapist to sort things out and for appointments and such to be made. Since I'm still technically on my own and don't have the full guidance and support that I would like, I need to remind myself to take that into consideration so as not to push myself too hard and do more damage than good. Also to remind me to cut myself some slack and that I'm trying my best with what I've got.

So, something that I feel like isn't talked about a lot but is beginning to come up in conversation now is how difficult and exhausting recovery actually is. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't initially thinking, "Oh yeah, recovering and overcoming my OCD is going to be easy and straightforward to do blah blah blah," but I didn't take into account or think about the different types of exhaustion and hardships that you feel whilst trying to get your life back from a debilitating condition. And I'm not just talking about relapses or setbacks happening, but the difficulty and exhaustion you feel even when you're doing the right things. You still get this buildup of exhaustion and heaviness, burnout is a serious potential repercussion of recovery (try saying that phrase 10 times fast! 😂). This has been something that's really been playing on my mind recently and it's also a major thing that I'm going through and trying to cope and come to terms with because to overcome OCD and gain control back in my life, I need to add more tasks and things for me to do so that I can try to stand up to the OCD. By adding more things into my life that I couldn't do because of my illness, it means there are more things I'm navigating and exposing myself too. I'm not used to being able to actually do these extra tasks that I'm adding into my daily routines so it's taking a lot more energy out of me. This means that I get drained quicker because I'm still also doing my regular routine with the regular anxiety that brings. That feeling of being drained is both physically and mentally because since I'm doing more and not avoiding the OCD, it means that it's adding more fuel to its fire and it's being given extra things to yell at me about and make me feel anxious and scared over which you can imagine, is mentally exhausting.

The extra tasks that I've been adding into my normal routines are just some of the things that my illness has taken away my ability to be able to do. Things that I feel like I, and perhaps others, take for granted at times. Simply being able to brush my teeth, do my skincare, and shower have all been things that have been taken away from me and made to be more difficult to do (which is somewhat ironic when you consider that I suffer from contamination obsessions! 😂). Being able to start doing these things again and properly by teaching myself how to integrate them back into my life and every day routines, whilst also teaching myself that I don't need to get scared or anxious or overwhelmed whilst doing these tasks has been both rewarding and humbling. Rewarding because I'm taking autonomy and control back, I'm doing more of the things that make me happy and that I enjoy, things that also make me feel more human. Humbling because these are tasks that we all do (or we would like to do every day) and yet there are times when I struggle to do them because of my mental illness. I'm re-teaching my brain to complete, accommodate, integrate, and get used to these activities again. But step by step, and each time I keep doing it and fighting through, is a step and a day closer to it just being the norm again for me. Each time I fight against the OCD, provides me with more armour to keep fighting back, to keep completing my exposure tasks, which will all result in me getting my life back.

Despite all the successes and steps I'm taking in recovering, it's also taking a toll on me with how difficult it is to keep up with everything positive that I'm doing as well as having to deal with that bullying voice in my head telling me that "Something is wrong", "Don't do this," "Clean this", "Do this again" etc. I'm finding that my energy levels and battery for the day gets depleted quicker and the more I'm keeping on top of making sure I do these extra tasks, each day that battery is starting off on a lower level each time which means that I've been more sensitive and prone to anxiety attacks and Autistic meltdowns. I'm doing all these good things, the right things I need and want to do for me to get better and yet anxiety and stress are gradually building up as well as me physically doing more in my routine adds to that fatigue and stress. It's strange because typically you'd think that you would feel more happier and free because you're taking back control and doing better in general but ensuring that you keep on top of everything in your routine as well as everything else you do and have planned in the day, it does gradually start to feel more stressful and painful, in a way, than good. I know that it's just because I'm not used to it nor is my brain, or should I say the OCD, used to being stood up to and having more stuff being done. I'm trying my best and remembering that it's going to hurt before it gets better, I just need to get accustomed to it and then it won't hurt as much and I'll start feeling better and more "normal", my battery and energy levels won't be so depleted and will begin to start on a higher level each day.

The thing is though, being Autistic means that it's a little bit more difficult for me in my recovery from OCD because of changes that need to be made to my routines by integrating more tasks into it because change is something that triggers my Autism. I was starting to get worked up over trying to remember how everything works and how to keep on top of everything, plus getting through the new tasks themselves takes up extra energy because it's new and anxiety-inducing. However, I did something that I was insanely proud of and I listened to myself when it was telling me how stressed and overwhelmed I was feeling. I tried to find a way to minimise those feelings the best I could, to help myself out more. So since I was struggling with the anxiety and trying to work out how to complete these new tasks with minimal difficulty whilst I was halfway through my normal routine as well as at the end, I made changes and decided to add the new tasks in altogether at the end so I only had to have that extra anxiety then and just carry on as normal working up to it. This has been really helpful and helped my anxiety and stress levels because I'm accommodating both my recovery from OCD and my Autistic needs. 

As I've been feeling more drained, have lower energy levels, and heightened sensitivity I've been more prone to anxiety attacks, Autistic meltdowns, and even shutdowns which in themselves are scary and exhausting. What's also adding to these negative feelings of stress and being drained is the fact that it's summer which is an added stressor for me due to feeling hot, sweaty, and the thick air around me which is a sensory issue that upsets me. Plus, being Autistic, I believe that I have difficulty in regulating my body temperature so that's another stress factor (also, how're my other fellow neurodivergent individuals coping with this heat? Personally, I miss winter. 😂 And let me tell you, as soon as it hit May, a fan was ordered and I sat directly on top of it trying to cool down whilst my Mum was chilly and chattering her teeth on the opposite side of the room! 😂). All of this means that my energy and battery levels for that day are not fully charged and are already a bit drained which obviously doesn't help.

With everything that's going on, I realised that I needed to make more changes and try to find ways to help me do it all in terms of recovery and daily activities. Alongside the stress I've been feeling with my recovery, there was an added layer on top of it from me needing to try to plan, write, edit, and update the blog as well as posting on Instagram throughout the week. This all takes time and energy which added into my new tasks that I'm doing, means that I need to make sure that I'm not spreading myself out too thin so as not to burn out, and have those anxiety attacks and Autistic meltdowns that I mentioned. I enjoy doing this blog, I love writing, don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining! I just want to try and plan my time and energy to make sure I can do all that I want and need to do. That's why I've decided to make the change from updating the blog weekly to updating and uploading a new post every other week so as to give myself enough time to plan and write something I'm happy to post but also not to over-extend and stress myself out which would be detrimental to me and cause me to both struggle in my recovery and to not be able to post on here which is something I don't want to do! So from now on, every other Monday there will be a new blog post uploaded and if you would like to keep more up-to-date and always know when I'm uploading a post, make sure you follow me on Instagram (which is tagged below!) and subscribe on here to be notified when I upload!

Since I'm still waiting on professionals and my therapist to get back to me with referrals and appointments, I'm going to continue to help myself by doing what they should be doing and help get me going in life again. So I ordered myself an exercise pedal machine, another big success for me, so that I can get some exercise in and take back more control and autonomy with my body and life that OCD took away from me! Since I struggle to leave the flat to go for walks, I'm bringing the walks to me! 😂 I'm proud that I'm accommodating my needs and wants to my current life situation by doing something practical and helpful to me in the place that I realistically am! 💜 There used to be a time I would berate myself for not being able to do the things that I wanted to do because of the OCD but I learnt and realised that doing so doesn't change or do anything. Hating yourself for not being able to do something because of your health doesn't change the fact that you still can't do it, all it does is make you feel worse and ends up feeding into the cycle of self-hatred. Self care, love, compassion, and patience is the way to go. I know that's something that I'm always talking about but it's because I've learnt that hating yourself and not being there for yourself doesn't help, it doesn't support you or get you to where you want to be, self-love and/or even just self respect is a lot better than beating yourself up.

It's going to hurt before it gets better, that's what recovery actually is about. It's not a walk in the park, it's not a picnic, it's not as easy as 123, but once done and if you can keep the mindset throughout the journey and the hardships, it's worth it. It's more than worth it to get your life back. If it wasn't, we'd all be left wondering "Hey Universe, Did You Forget About Me?"

All the best and thank you so much for reading! 💜

Emily 🌌

FOLLOW ME ON:

Instagram: @heyuniverseblog

TikTok: @emilypardey

©️ Hey Universe, Did You Forget About Me?, 2023, all rights reserved.