"Thank You," Not "I'm Sorry"

"Being thankful is not always experienced as a natural state of existence, we must work at it, akin to a type of strength training for the heart." - Larissa Gomez

It's not easy being someone with a debilitating condition like OCD, and it's also not easy living or trying to help someone with a debilitating condition like OCD. Now I can't talk much about living with someone with a health condition because, sadly, I'm in the former category. I may not know what it's like to live with someone who has OCD but I do know what it's like to be the one living with it. However, one thing both sides have in common is that it's not easy, in any way, shape, or form. It can be really easy though to get caught up in the whole cycle of pain, hardships, and negativity on either side whilst dealing with any sort of condition and that in itself can be another stress factor added to the party. And the automatic response to that? Apologise. "I'm sorry for crying." "I'm sorry for getting upset." "I'm sorry for getting overwhelmed." "I'm sorry for having an anxiety attack." I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I've recently noticed that often after difficult moments or days etc. I'd apologise for what happened, what I said and how I was feeling. I more often than not, always feel bad about either needing extra support in doing something or for getting overwhelmed and having an anxiety attack or an Autistic meltdown, or if I got angry and worked up and took it out on my Mum who was only trying to help me (that one specifically I know to apologise for and always do! I'm sorry!). However, even after apologising profusely and repeatedly, I would still keep feeling bad and guilty afterward. Why do I do this? Why do these things happen? I shouldn't have done that! But, looking back on it, those are things that I can't always help, they're symptoms of my illness whether that's my OCD or my Autism. So am I, technically, feeling the need to apologise for being ill?

Don't get me wrong, yes, sometimes or maybe often, certain things do need to be apologised for and accountability needs to be taken and held. For example, anything harsh or mean that was said in the heat of the moment needs to be acknowledged and apologised for. Just because you're struggling doesn't mean you have to take it out on the other person who's trying and wants to help you (or to not take it out on yourself for that matter!). 

I've found though, that it can get quite negative and more depressing and repetitive at times than fully apologetic and positive each time "I'm sorry" is said. So when do you apologise and when do you not? And when you don't, what could be said instead?

There was this post that I read online ages ago that I remembered and had recently started to think about again about your mindset when it comes to apologising and how to turn it into something more positive, to show gratitude to the other person or people. I've put the post below so make sure you give it a read! When I read it the first time (and remembered about it recently) I thought about how it was really insightful and helpful! It talks about how instead of apologising, you rephrase it into a "Thank you" statement. So, for example, using one of the "I'm sorry" phrases I said at the beginning, "I'm sorry for getting overwhelmed." Instead it could turn into, "Thank you for allowing me to feel and have a safe environment for me to feel my feelings." Now don't get me wrong, it can be quite weird and can feel somewhat patronising to do, say, or practice but it does really help. I guess it's one of those, "practice makes perfect" type of situations.

After remembering that original post, I decided to try it out for myself so the next time I had a rough time during my morning routine and my Mum was there to help me. The first thing that I did was that I automatically apologised, "I'm sorry for what happened and for getting so upset and worked up! I'm sorry I had an anxiety attack." Once that was said and my Mum responded, I internally wanted to change the dialogue and direction that I had taken by apologising so I decided to try again and went on to say, "Thank you for allowing me to express and giving me safety to go through these difficult moments." And let me tell you! The difference it made to not only me by feeling lighter and positive but also my Mum who (I have to admit, after looking confused at first! 😂) said, "You're welcome, it's okay." She seemed, to me, somewhat better and she said that she felt emotional when I said "thank you". In all, there was a more positive atmosphere felt rather than the usual stiff, awkward, and sad feeling.

As I said before, this doesn't mean that you should never apologise when it comes to having an anxiety attack or an Autistic meltdown or something like that. Even though they're something that you can't completely help, you can manage it and keep it in check by knowing and understanding your triggers and learning proper ways and methods to process and handle them. But I know, when you're in that moment and the emotions, the sensory overload, and that fight or flight mode takes over, sometimes you find yourself lashing out at those trying to help you anyway and it's extremely difficult to compose yourself so as not to take out your anger or anxiety or overload onto them. Despite how much you don't want to and you know that it's not their fault. When this happens, when you say the things that you do because you're hurting, that's when you should apologise. It isn't fair or kind to hurt and/or upset someone no matter the circumstances with what you say to them. Hold yourself accountable and make amends, just as you didn't ask to have these health conditions, they also didn't ask for you to suffer from these things and they didn't ask, deserve, or need to be shouted at and made to feel hurt and upset. Remember, this doesn't mean that you're a bad person! You aren't! If these things happen, you're not a bad person! We're all human, and we make mistakes and say things we really wish we didn't when extremely stressed and struggling. Just ensure and know that those are the times, the moments, when you should and do need to apologise. "I'm sorry for lashing out at you like I did, I'm sorry for what I said." That accountability and acknowledgement makes a world of difference to the other person and probably to you, too.

Changing the narrative from "I'm sorry", to "thank you" helps create a sense of gratitude in the environment that you're in at that moment and also within the relationship with the other person involved. Constantly apologising or feeling the need to apologise creates an atmosphere and a sense of remorse and shame. I've found that when I say "I'm sorry" after having an anxiety attack or an Autistic meltdown, I feel shame, guilt, and insecure. This, for me, can be really overwhelming and can become one of the main things I remember and take with me throughout the day from that specific moment in time which puts a damper on the rest of the day. This then feeds into the self-talk about myself where I feel bad and ashamed for how I behaved (and this isn't if something uncalled for was said). I feel like I'm weird, a freak, like there's something wrong with me and I call myself out on that and berate myself (I know I shouldn't). This makes me feel more ashamed and upset than before. But really, when I think about it, in hindsight, all that happened was that I was displaying some somewhat common symptoms of my conditions. Yes, they're not the nicest or easiest of symptoms to deal with but they are to do with and a part of the things that I suffer from, that I cannot help. Anxiety attacks and Autistic meltdowns can come with the territory of having those conditions. Hating yourself and talking bad about yourself for something that you can't control and didn't ask for is detrimental, unhelpful, and unkind. Something that I'm working on, and am so much better at doing now then I used to be, is knowing that I don't and shouldn't have to apologise for having OCD and Autism. There's nothing to apologise for, you don't have to and shouldn't have to or be made to feel like you have to apologise for being Autistic and/or suffering from OCD or any health condition, physical, mental, or otherwise!

Try to create a space for appreciation and gratitude with the people in your life, when something scary or negative arises or symptoms of your illnesses or conditions show up by saying "thank you," not, "I'm sorry". This helps to create a more positive and caring atmosphere and acknowledgement over the actions and help given from the other person or people that are with or go through that tough moment with you.

This method of saying "Thank you" instead of "I'm sorry" can also be used when talking to yourself! Instead of apologising for something that you didn't want to happen, couldn't control, or something that doesn't need apologising for, switch the narrative and say, "Thank you". For example, for me, I can say, "Thank you to my body, for continuing to keep me alive and going no matter what I call you or think about myself." Or, "Thank you to my hands for continuing to do their job no matter how much they've been through due to my OCD." And also, "Thank you to myself for continuing to live and fight no matter how difficult life got." I have to admit, trying to think up those "Thank you" phrases was actually a little bit difficult but at the same time, pretty healing as well. Giving myself some love and gratitude instead of just apologising really switched up the narrative I give myself. It's refreshing! 😂 You didn't ask or want these things to happen to you or to suffer from conditions that makes every day life so much more difficult and strenuous than need be, you can feel mad, you can feel sorry, and you can also feel grateful that you keep showing up and deciding, or even just trying, to treat yourself with love, respect, and compassion. 💜

To those who live with someone with a condition/s like mine or are close to someone like me, and for those who help us, thank you! Thank you for staying by our sides, thank you for giving us a space to feel what we feel, thank you for helping us or even simply just trying to help us. Thank you for loving us, thank you for forgiving us for the times we weren't as grateful or as kind as we should've or could've been. We can't express it enough or you may not fully understand how grateful and appreciative we actually are. It's not easy (which is putting it lightly, I know) but we appreciate, love, and thank you! 💜

To end this post off, I just want to say to you reading this, thank you for giving me a space to feel my emotions no matter whether they're happy or sad or anything in between. Thank you for giving me a space to be creative. Thank you for giving me a space to connect to others. Thank you for allowing me to ask, "Hey Universe, Did You Forget About Me?"

Thank you for reading - all the best! 💜

Emily 🌌

(P.S. I just want to say thank you so so so much for 100+ followers on Instagram, it really means so much to me and I'm so appreciative! To continue with the theme of this post, I'm so grateful for all of you who read this blog, who follow me on my socials, and who like what I share, you're all incredible, thank you so much! 💜💜)

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