"No one notices your sadness until it turns into anger and then you're the bad person." - TheMindsJournal
Since we were kids, we've been raised with the idea that feeling angry or being angry is a bad thing. We're told that we're "acting out", we're "misbehaving", we're "not being good", or that we're having a "tantrum". I always felt so bad and guilty whenever I got angry over something and believed that it was an emotion that was wrong to feel and that I shouldn't allow myself to feel anger towards something. It wasn't until I was in my 20s that I learnt and realised that anger is not a bad emotion and that I shouldn't berate myself for feeling it.
How many times is a "negative" emotion felt and expressed and the automatic response is to say, "It'll be okay", "You're okay", "You're fine", or even "Get over it"? Even though the majority of the time when it's said, it comes from a good place with the best of intentions to make the recipient feel better and calmer, saying "You'll be okay", just shuts the other person down in what they're feeling and going through. It doesn't matter if they're a kid and someone just took away their toy that they were playing with and are crying over it. Or if it's an adult who's had a bad day/week with things going wrong one after another and they're completely angry about it. Consoling them by essentially shutting down their feelings and what they're going through isn't helpful, it doesn't allow a safe space to be created where they can feel and experience their emotions without feeling like they're not important or what they're going through isn't important enough to warrant such feelings. My therapist once asked me what helped me when I was having anxiety attacks and I responded that I wasn't sure but what I did know was that someone telling me, "It's alright" or "You're okay", or "It's going to be okay" triggered me and would make me feel worse and angry because at that moment I didn’t feel "okay" and it wasn’t "alright". He said something that I've never had someone say when I tell them about my feelings to these responses and he said that those phrases aren't actually helpful at all and aren’t useful being said. They can often have the opposite effect that you want because you're not okay at that moment and your brain doesn't feel okay so someone telling you that you’re “fine” can be angering and not help the situation. Saying those things or having them said to you can make you feel worse essentially because it's dismissing what you're actually going through at that moment.
The neuroscientist and actress, Mayim Bialik, has a podcast where she once discussed this when it comes to parenting and I absolutely loved it because not only is she just simply awesome and "The Big Bang Theory" is my top favourite TV show, but it's because I've never heard someone express the same feelings as me, that telling someone they're "okay" when they're not and are going through something isn't helpful and for a kid, it doesn't necessarily make sense to them. You can watch the brief clip on TikTok which I'll link now, I seriously recommend watching it! ( https://vm.tiktok.com/ZGJHaovHr/ )
Now don't get me wrong, feeling angry is normal, it's human, and it's okay to be angry. What's not okay though is using your anger as an excuse to hurt yourself or others whether that's through your words, actions, or your temper. You can feel angry without lashing out at those around you. I think we're all guilty of doing this, even if it's not intentional, you feel angry or in a bad mood and whoever is nearby can sometimes be in the firing line of that anger. We've all done this before but taking accountability, apologising, and recognising that what you're doing isn't right, kind or helpful can help go a long way in realising and understanding that feeling angry is okay but what's not okay is using it as an excuse to take it out on someone else. We all make mistakes with this sometimes but if we try and do better by allowing ourselves to feel angry and finding healthier ways to express or work on that feeling would make the world of difference in accepting anger as a normal, human, completely okay emotion to have!
The thing is when we're angry, we just want to get that strong, hard feeling in our chests out, we don't mean to lose our tempers, we just don't want to have this weight in our chests anymore. What makes the difference between feeling angry and getting angry is how you think about it, how you express it, and what you do about it. It's healthy to feel anger, to feel angry at things, but repressing that emotion because you don't want to "act out" is not healthy. Pushing it down doesn't mean that the feeling is going away, it's going to continue to be there, it's just going to continue to bottle up and build up and one way or another, it's going to be let out and it could end up feeling worse than it originally did. Anger is simply another emotion just like happiness, sadness, and fear, but not feeling it and shutting it down doesn't make it go away, it just holds onto it until it comes out at another time with more force. Like hot pressure being held in, eventually, it's going to overheat and explode, causing more problems than it would've done had it been expressed and, importantly, understood in the first place.
When I started to experience and suffer from anxiety attacks when I was 21 years old, I used to have 2 different types. There was the first one which was your "typical" anxiety attack, where I was constantly overthinking, feeling overwhelmed, talking really fast, panicking, not being able to reason with, having shortness of breath, darting eyes, the lot. And then there was the second kind which I would call an "Angry Anxiety Attack" because instead of the shortness of breath and rapid overthinking etc., I became very angry and would yell at anyone around me, I would act out and not know how to express the anger or myself, I took it out on myself and others. Even though these anxiety attacks came out and started as a "typical" anxiety attack, they would build up into something more. It wasn't good and I’m sorry that it happened. I didn't want to hurt or upset those around me, I was just so angry because of my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and the lack of control I had over the choices that I made that would build up, as anxiety attacks do, and come out. However, I didn't realise that when I was experiencing this type of anxiety attack that it even was an anxiety attack, I thought I was just angry, through and through. And because I simply thought I was just being angry, I criticised myself constantly because I felt like I was a bad person and was horrible so I had a go at myself because I simply didn't know what I know now. I spoke to my therapist that I was with at the time and she said something that has stuck with me in the forefront of my mind and has changed how I look at my anxiety attacks and anger. She said, "The anger is just the anxiety." She helped me see that I wasn't a horrible or mean person, I wasn't even an angry person, I was just anxious and the anxiety was being displayed and expressed in a different way than I was used to. This helped me in being able to cope and come to terms with my anxiety attacks better (both of them), instead of talking bad about myself and making myself feel twice as worse than I already did, I started to see it and treat the attacks like I do whenever my OCD was involved in something, I tried to start seeing it as a symptom of my illness rather than it being something that meant that I was a bad person.
It's okay to be angry and it's okay to express that anger as long as it's in a safe and non-detrimental way! Because I don't know about you but there are just days when I wake up and for some reason, even when I'm not in a bad mood or anything, I still just feel angry for no particular reason! That's okay! I'm human, I'm allowed to feel like that! Allowing myself and giving myself the space and freedom to feel how I'm feeling without labelling myself or berating myself has really helped with how I think and treat myself. Allowing myself to feel my emotions, no matter if it's anger, sadness, anxiety, happiness, or excitement, makes me feel validated and seen and reminds me that feeling my feelings are okay and healthy. There used to be a time when I wouldn't allow myself to do that and I'm so glad that I've come a long way since then in creating a safe space for myself to exist and feel and I love myself for it. 💜 What I've learnt and have experienced myself with my emotions, especially allowing myself to feel angry when I am angry is something that has changed my outlook on life completely and will be lessons that I'll take with me into the future.
Along the way, I've found ways to help make myself feel better whenever I do feel angry and that's for both when there's a reason and when there isn't. Here are some of the ways that help me that you may also find useful! If you have any other tips and tricks then please feel free to comment below or share them with me on Instagram!
Create a playlist consisting of songs that have a great beat to them or consist of angry lyrics (e.g. angry breakup songs like, "ABCDEFU" by Gayle - this is one of my personal favourites to listen to when I'm feeling angry!)
Physically get up, move, dance, sing, or lip-sync along with the playlist until you feel better!
If you’re able to, sit with your feelings and try to understand them, what might’ve caused them, has this happened before and if there are patterns between those times etc.
Eat your favourite food, you're allowed to remind yourself of happier feelings!
Listen to your favourite songs.
Scream into a pillow (I swear screaming can work wonders! 😂)
Remind yourself that you're okay, you're safe, it's okay to feel the way you feel, and it will pass.
If there's a particular reason why you're angry, write a letter in a Word Document or simply just on the notes of your phone directing your emotions at it, since no one is going to read it, you can be as open and honest as you like - don't hold back!
Go out for a walk, put some music on, and go into your own world.
Anger is not a bad word or a bad feeling, it's simply an emotion, something that everyone feels and should be allowed to feel! You wouldn't (or at least you shouldn't) diminish someone's happiness or excitement so why not allow yourself or someone else to feel anger (as long as it's expressed and felt safely and helpfully)? Allow others to feel how they feel. To be more understanding, accepting, and embracing of ourselves and others makes the world of difference because, without compassion and understanding, it leaves people wondering, "Hey Universe, Did You Forget About Me?"
All the best - thank you for reading! 💜
Emily 🌌
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