“Success is not built on success. It’s built on failure. It’s built on frustration. Sometimes it’s built on catastrophe.” - Sumner Redstone
(N.B: I want to say that when I discuss the value of giving up, I don’t mean giving up fighting every day in terms of battling mental illness but giving up when it comes to areas that we try to control too much so that we can readjust our focus on knowing how much of our energy should be given to certain things.)
We’re always told to “Never Give Up”, it’s a message that’s repeated time and time again, you see it everywhere, online, on t-shirts, bags, tattoos, jewellery, it can be seen all over and it’s a mantra that’s used often. I was one of those people who when I was younger, I would have it as the lock screen on my phone or another common one I had was, “Keep Fighting”. Don’t get me wrong, they did make great reminders to keep going no matter what and it’s something that was often said to me and I to others in return when they needed help or motivation. I swear the message was said so much and could be seen everywhere that it’s kind of lost its meaning for me today! 😂 We try so hard to never give up and believe that it’s the only way, that when we reach that breaking point when we don’t know where to go from there, we end up struggling to find our path out. Never giving up is important, without it, we don’t find our strengths, limits, and assets, and we don’t see how far we can go and what we see and experience along the way but I feel like no one talks about the potential of simply . . . Giving up? But instead of giving up as an admittance of defeat, use it as a tool to fight back. As I said, there’s an importance in never giving up, it’s important to do but I’ve also found that there’s value in giving up and relinquishing control. If it’s approached in a healthy and acknowledged way, there can be value in giving up as a useful tool in recovery. (Also, I just wanted to state that I’m glad that around the time that I surrounded myself with the “Never Give Up” phrase, I was still too young to get tattoos otherwise it would’ve ended up on me . . . I think that I did actually plan for it to be a tattoo one day! 😂)
For me, the value of giving up comes down to this, control. If you’ve read my previous posts then you’ll know that I suffer from severe Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and if you haven’t read my previous posts, well . . . Now you know! 😂 My OCD stems from a need for control. Control of the outcomes, control of my and others' “safety”, life, and my surroundings. But here’s the thing . . . You can’t control everything and believe me, I’ve tried. I’ve tried to the point where I end up in fits of tears and anxiety because it’s never good enough, everything I do and am told and forced to do is never enough. One of the areas of OCD that I really suffer and struggle with is Contamination OCD, this is when someone has obsessive and constant concerns and irrational fears over germs, cleanliness, hygiene, etc. It’s something that has taken so much time, energy, and well-being away from me. I’ve tried and tried again to live how the OCD wants me to, with the constant and obsessive cleaning, washing, checking, avoiding, ruminating, re-cleaning, and re-washing. I try so hard to control everything and it's never good enough, it's never enough for the OCD. I’m exhausted from the constant pressure of trying to make everything “right”, I want to try another way of fighting, by not fighting, by giving up control. Throwing my hands up and letting what may happen, happen. I know I’m not happy - I want to be free from the mental torture. I’ve been battling this illness 24/7, 365 days a year straight for the past 5 years, and have struggled to beat it or get the upper hand with it. When I feel like I’m struggling to make decisions for myself and how I want to do things, why do I keep fighting and not just give up? Then I thought, why not give up? Why keep fighting the OCD and going in circles in trying to find loopholes or try to cut corners when it comes to the compulsions and safety behaviours that I do, I’m obviously not getting as far as I want by doing so. Why not stop fighting against the OCD? I'm exhausted and drained from fighting a constant battle that feels like there’s no end in sight, with little to no victories to make me feel like I’m making an impact. So that’s what I’m trying to do, to give up. Because I thought about it and realised that trying to constantly prevent myself from getting or being “dirty” is unrealistic and will always be a never-ending battle. It's always going to be there, the dirt is always going to be around, and life is not some kind of sterile area. It’s never going to happen! So instead of constantly fighting it and trying to get myself meticulously clean, why not give up the fight and accept and somewhat embrace it? Embrace the uncertainty of being as “dirty” as my OCD makes me think and fear, and embrace the knowledge and understanding that I, my environment, and the world around me will never be 100% clean. I, like everybody else, can try my best to live in clean and healthy living areas, by hoovering, washing up, cleaning, etc. and that’s enough, it’s okay to not be obsessively scrupulous about my surroundings
It’s not going to be easy to give up control (a complete understatement! 😂) but I can try, that’s all that can be asked of anyone - that we try. This is because the killer hypocritical juxtaposition of having this disorder is that it makes you believe that you’re in control and in charge when in reality, you’re not. The illness itself makes you believe that you’re gaining control when performing compulsions, that you’re “in control” of the safety and comfort you’ll feel once this is done and everything feels “right” and “safe”. But it’s wrong. Performing compulsions and other safety behaviours keeps you stuck believing the lies that the OCD is telling you. There have actually been times that I have been left wondering why I do these compulsions, and what am I trying to achieve by doing what the OCD says? I then started to realise that there’s not always a fully clear reason and understanding of why I do what I do. It’s like how I challenged my hand-washing routines where I discovered that my OCD tells me that it’s okay for me to wash my hands one way and then differently another but I realised that if the “threat” is that real and dangerous, then the routine used would be consistent throughout, those “germs” or “dirt” will still be just as “bad” no matter what routine my OCD allows me to do. If you’re struggling to fully grasp and understand why you’re doing what you’re doing, chances are that you’re not the one making the necessary decision. (If you would like to read more about my journey and success in challenging my hand-washing obsessions and compulsions then read my successes blog post!) My beginning to understand why I believe I have to do these safety behaviours started a new conversation for myself. If I don’t know the main reason why I’m having to do these things, there must be something within me that doesn’t fully believe and accept the decisions and actions made by the OCD. But if I’m not sure what I’m not sure of, how do I fight it?
This has all come about because I had started to get impatient and depressed with where I was in life and my recovery. I’m constantly doing my compulsions to make it through the day and waiting for my next therapy appointments which, for some reason, are booked by my therapist for every 2 weeks (if I’m lucky). I had become scarily aware of the realisation of time moving forward and that I'm still stuck in the same place. Stuck doing compulsions and feeling like I have no choice in the matter, and stuck in the inability to be able to do something or anything with my life. It’s the most horrible and demoralising feeling to be consumed with as well as feeling unsure of how to make it any better. I started to really spiral. What am I doing? Where am I going? Will I ever get better? Will I ever have control? Why do I feel like I have to do this? Why am I doing this? And the main one: I don’t want to do this. And that’s when I realised, I could simply give up, to allow the chips to fall where they may. It’s a 2 birds, 1 stone situation - I’m either going to prove the OCD right and that doing the compulsions is keeping me clean and safe or I’m going to prove it's wrong and try to help me break free from the constant, everyday battle that I face.
Learning about the value of giving up started happening a couple of weeks ago when I was writing the blog post sharing and talking about my main successes in overcoming OCD (if you’d like to read this, it was called, “A Sprinkle Of Success”!). It was a post that made me so proud of myself to write and share. One of the successes that I wrote about was that I’ve started recently being able to hug my Mum more which is an active exposure that I made and got myself to do with no help or assistance from those that are meant to be supporting me. And did I mention that not only would I hug my Mum but I wouldn’t clean myself down afterwards either?! Two successes in one! 💜 This is something that really makes me feel good and insanely proud of myself as it’s something that I’ve not been able to do for years! This is because my OCD made me terrified of the germs and dirt that my Mum would have on her that would either come from me as we live together, or because she doesn’t do the things that I have to do to get through the day, and also because she works with the public and goes out a lot (which as you know, is something else I also struggle with). Typically, if she touches me, touches my things, or even just gets too close to me, I have to clean myself down with hand sanitizer sprays, hand sanitizer, and I’d also have to wash my hands. Therefore, I’m forced to keep my distance which is something I really hate but now I’m challenging that and feeling good about it - I get to hug my Mum again and it feels great to be able to do so as well as also fighting back against the OCD!
But all in all, you can’t control everything . . . Which is a phrase that I should probably get tattooed on me! 😂 You can try everything in your power and ability to control and manage everything yourself whether it’s with your job, health, family, friends, relationships, personal growth, and healing but sometimes the best thing that you can do to maintain a healthy balance and acceptance in life is to give up that obsessive need for control. Know that you’ve tried your best and that’s more than good enough, not everything is ours to control. It’s a tough message to hear and accept but sometimes it’s the only way to see those times where it feels like something might be requiring too much from you. Never give up by giving up - who would’ve thought that would be something that could help? 😂
I've lived the way OCD wants me to, trying to dictate everything, and never feeling good enough so I’m giving up the fight and you know what? There is value in giving up. I’m taking back control by giving up control (what a brain teaser that is 😂) and it’s scary my God, is it scary but I’m hoping that this is right and that it works. I’m done feeling stuck, I’m done feeling trapped in my own brain, I want to be done asking the universe, “Hey Universe, Did You Forget About Me?”
Thank you for reading - all the best! 💜
Emily 🌌
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(P.S. Please comment below or tell me on Instagram your thoughts and feelings regarding what I write about as well as any feedback you may have - I’m happy to hear it and I’m always looking to improve! 💜)
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