“Regret is a tough but fair teacher. To live without regret is to believe you have nothing to learn, no amends to make, and no opportunity to be braver with your life.” - Brené Brown
I used to be obsessed with the idea that we shouldn’t have any regrets in life, the phrase, “Live life with no regrets” and the ideology behind it was something that would be in the back of my mind a lot when I made decisions when it came to my life and what I wanted to do with it. Of course, when I was younger the decisions of what great, big life dream I should have and follow seems somewhat trivial compared with the decisions I have to make now as an adult! 😂 Ahh weren’t those simpler days? 😂 The thing is though, I was (for some reason) completely terrified of looking back on my life and feeling regret about what I had done with it, the chances and pathways that I both took and didn’t take. Now, I’m grateful that this way of thinking no longer plagues my mind. Yes, of course I worry if I’m doing the right thing, what will happen, and if I’m happy with what I’ve chosen and if it’s what I really want but it’s not something that constantly loops around my mind, “Will I regret this?”
I had therapy a couple of weeks ago and in the session, my therapist and I discussed my history with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and when the illness would rise up again throughout my life. One of those times was about 4/5 years ago when I went to university to study Sociology, I started to struggle with every aspect of my life, I wasn’t looking after myself physically by missing doctors appointments that I should’ve gone to, and I wasn’t able to do household chores, I was struggling to go in for my lectures as well as my mental health and OCD had started to get worse and spiral. I was not happy and was not doing well. I dropped out of university after 1 semester due to both financial reasons and my health and it was something that really took a big toll on me and how I saw myself and my life. It was, well, a regret. Going to study at university was a part of my life for most, if not all, of my academic career particularly and especially throughout secondary school and college. It was a part of my life plan, get GCSEs, get A Levels, go to university, have a career. That’s what I had planned, that's what I was working for and towards but I had to quit, I had to stop. I felt like I had let everyone down, my paternal grandparents especially, they had always pushed and tried their best to help me get to where I wanted to go and be in my education, I felt like they were invested in it - my Grandfather particularly. He even helped me move into my accommodation when I moved to university (granted, he also helped move me out at the end so full circle I guess? 😂). Telling them that I had decided to drop out of university really stung and hurt me, I felt like I had let them down and was worried about what they would think of me, I kept questioning whether I had made the right decision and if I should’ve just stuck it out (but looking back now, I know that would’ve been pretty much impossible).
I talked this through with my therapist during the appointment and she asked me how I felt about what happened, what changed whilst I was there, and even how I felt when I first started at university. I already had the answers to these questions because they were the same ones I asked and thought of, especially just after I dropped out. She went on to explain why she felt that the OCD had started to come about again (which I don’t particularly agree with now I’ve had a chance to digest it but I digress 😂) and also asked me and got me to talk about how I feel now about what happened and if I thought I should’ve stayed or gone back to university. I responded by saying how I’m always thinking about the future, when my health is better and is not consumed by the OCD, then yes, I would seriously consider going or looking into going into some sort of higher education. I enjoy learning and appreciate and am grateful for my education and the potential opportunities that can be out there but ever since I left university in 2019, I didn’t feel like I was able to return and I stand by that belief today, I was not well enough or financially able to put myself through that. During this conversation (I don’t think this was her intention) she made me feel like I was a failure for not returning or not thinking of going back to university sooner or it being a definite decision as soon as I would be well enough to. I didn’t appreciate being made to feel or think like that because I’m not, I know I’m not and it has taken a lot of personal reflection and conversations with myself to be able to say that and believe that about myself. Going to university and getting a degree is an amazing opportunity and privilege to be able to have which many people around the world aren’t lucky to be privy to. I understand the advantages and value of getting a degree but attending a university isn’t the be-all and end-all of someone’s life and success. That isn’t the plan for everyone and that’s completely, 1000% okay! I would love to hear more people’s stories from those who didn’t go to university or didn’t take the traditional route of attending and going into higher education because it’s hardly talked about! If I had been able to read and know more of this information when I was deciding to go to university, maybe my life and experiences would’ve been so different than they are now. If I knew, allowed, and accepted myself to take a break after getting my A Levels, to take a year off, to relax, recharge, experience other areas of life, and make some money then maybe things would be different now! Instead, I didn’t take a gap year, I went straight to university after experiencing burnout from my GCSEs and A Levels, as well as just being discharged from therapy after a serious bout of mental illness, and it didn’t go well for me, it didn’t go the way I wanted. I now know that’s okay! Also, typing that out and re-reading it makes me wonder how I missed what now seems to be the obvious signs of needing a break and how that would’ve probably been the best thing for me! Whoops! 😂 That’s life though, reflecting on decisions whether good or bad is what helps us move forward.
I mentioned how previously, deciding to quit university was a difficult decision for me, not just physically deciding to leave but the mental and emotional toll it took on me to drop out. I will admit that I thought badly about myself and berated myself for not being “strong enough” to make it work because back then, I thought I was able to do anything and everything and take it all in my stride. And I can still do anything and everything but I now know my stride is allowed and needs to change constantly and that’s healthy, it’s how we maintain a balance in life both mentally, physically, emotionally, and with our relationships, etc. At the time, I saw quitting university as a regret and I still do but my approach, and my attitude, to how I see it as a regret has completely changed and is something that I’m so happy and proud of because there were times I never thought I’d be able to look past my decision to leave. I thought I’d always be stuck in a cycle of regret and disappointment in myself that it didn’t work out. But I broke out of that! And it has changed me and my view on life for the better which I know sounds really whimsical, I hear it but it’s true. 😂 How I see that decision in life is that yes, it’s a regret, I wish things had been different and that I was able to stay at university, get my degree, graduate, and make everyone proud but that wasn’t what was in the cards for me. That also isn’t the only way I can make others proud of me, I have a whole lifetime to be able to do that. I see my dropping out of university as a regret and something that was meant to have happened in the grand scheme of things because I wasn’t okay at the time, I was neglecting myself and other areas of my life (and had been for a few years, I think) which had I stayed and forced myself to continue, could’ve ended very differently for me. I don’t know why things happened the way that they did, I do know what led up to and added to it, but I don't know the reason that my plan in life had fallen off the rails which I used to hate and not be able to stand. That’s because I now know since having left university, that I have an obsessive need for control. I know and get that now, I accept that about myself, and doing so has helped me out so much! I’ve had to learn to step back and know that yes, a lot of what happens in my life is a result of me, my actions, and what I decide to do in life but it’s also a lot to do with the circumstances I’m in and will find myself in, a lot of which I can’t and won’t be able to control. I’m now able to be at ease with that. I allow myself to say and apply the "It is what it is" way of thinking about certain aspects and things in life, as well as the "it'll all work out in the end" trope because it allows me to accept and acknowledge those areas of my life that I can’t always control (no matter how much I would like to 😂) whilst also allowing me to take the pressure off of myself when I’m able to. This has helped me create a healthier balance in life with how I approach decisions and think back to things that I wish had happened differently as well as knowing me saying that is okay! It’s okay to admit that you wish things had been different and from what you now know, you know how things could’ve been different, been better but guess what? You only know that now from going through those regrets and learning from them.
Another reason why I don't see my dropping out of university as a regret in the typical sense that I should feel bad about it (as well as also why I didn’t appreciate my therapist making me feel like I’m a failure and that I had failed in life and what was expected of me) is because I’ve made peace with it. Since then, I have been able to reflect and learn from that experience about how I see setbacks and the things that happen in my life. I didn’t fail, it wasn’t meant to happen then and in that way. Yes, it stung when it got to the year that I would’ve graduated had I stayed and seen those that I had met and were in my year at university, graduate, take pictures and share their successes that should’ve or would've been mine, that’s human to feel like that. I was jealous and upset that I didn’t get that, that I wasn’t experiencing it like I had wanted and had planned to but instead of letting that eat me up inside and consume me, I sat with those feelings and let them be seen, felt, and acknowledged. I didn’t get what I wanted but that’s alright, I’m okay. Since leaving, I’ve learnt things about myself that I wouldn't have been able to if I'd stayed, that’s why it’s not a regret that I feel bad about anymore. I now have certain life skills that I didn’t have back then, not just with experiencing setbacks but also having jobs and independence which is somewhat different from that felt in education. In terms of personal things that I’ve learnt about myself that I wouldn’t have been able to had I stayed at university, is that I now know how to look after myself and treat myself with respect and kindness, to know to balance things in life instead of just going full force and giving my all into one area and then burning out and not knowing why I’m struggling with everything else. I’m still learning what works best for me as well as learning the environments that I thrive in but I’m emotionally and somewhat mentally in a better place than I have ever been in looking after, caring, and maintaining myself (if you’ll excuse and temporarily overlook the severe OCD that holds me back in life but that’s a work in progress and besides that, I feel like I’m doing well in treating myself with compassion despite it 😂).
Lastly, why I also don’t see dropping out as a bad regret is because since leaving university, I’ve had the time and ability to sit and actually be with myself. I’ve been able to get to know and understand myself better outside of a classroom and in an educational environment which I hadn’t been given the opportunity nor allowed or been able to do beforehand. I know and have been able to process my school and learning years and what I went through and experienced from bullying, navigating friendship groups, mental health problems, planning, revising, and working towards goals all of which had consumed my time up until that point. I got to know who I am as a person which yes, I touched upon growing up obviously but now as someone who is now an adult, an individual, an actual human being, not just another student, another one of the masses. I’m glad that I’ve been somewhat lucky enough and able to experience this and learn this about myself. I would not have learnt and experienced both being able to sit and feel comfortable with myself as well as learning and being able to look after and care for myself had I forced myself to stay at university. I wouldn’t be as confident with how I treat myself and how I allow others to treat me had I not had to step back and work out the areas of my life that were lacking my attention.
So, if you’re reading this and looking or thinking about attending university but you’re not sure about all the avenues and want more information, then please know this, you are in control and nothing is permanent. If you don’t want to go now or don’t think it’s right for you now or ever then that is okay! It doesn’t make you a failure, it doesn’t mean you don’t have what it takes in life, it doesn’t mean that you can’t or won’t be successful! Ask questions, get as much information as you can, and make the decision and choice that is right for you.
Who cares if I do have regrets? It’s my life and if someone thinks I dropped the ball and didn’t achieve or do what was expected of me then that’s on them. Yes, I wish things had been different and that I was able to stay at university and graduate but no, I don’t allow that knowledge to make me feel bad and kick myself about it because it’s not going to change what happened and good things did also come from leaving. And who knows what would’ve happened had I stayed? Besides not knowing what I now know about myself, maybe I would’ve been worse off but with a degree? Academic success isn’t everything and doesn’t always limit you in life and what you can go on to achieve. I can always go back and try another path into education and get a degree or similar qualification but my health and well-being are something I would’ve struggled to and have struggled to get back. The way we decide something is a regret is by comparing our choices to other people’s decisions . . . Where does it end? You keep comparing one person’s decisions to another, to another. What works for one person doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the right and only path for you or someone else. You’ll struggle to feel proud and successful if you keep your mindset like that.
All in all though, I wanted to share that it’s okay to have and see regrets in your life, it doesn’t have to be a problem or a bad thing. As long as you don’t allow yourself to wallow in it and consume you in a cycle of negativity and depression, but instead learn from them and understand them then it’s okay to have regrets. Take the pressure off of yourself of trying to live without regrets because it’s not going to happen, it’s impossible, there will always be something that you wish hadn't happened or happened differently. Acknowledge it, understand it, accept it, learn from it. Regrets are a part of life, they’re milestones you can look back on and learn from as well as reflect on decisions and changes you’ve made and how you yourself have changed from that time in life. I think without them we’d struggle to pinpoint changes in our lives and how they came about and also be left worrying, “Hey Universe, Did You Forget About Me?”
Thank you for reading, feel free to comment your thoughts, feelings, and experiences, and share and follow me on Instagram!
All the best! 💜
Emily 🌌
FOLLOW ME ON:
Instagram: @heyuniverseblog
TikTok: @emilypardey
Comments
Post a Comment