"Isolation is the worst possible counselor." - Miguel de Unamuno
When you spend so much of your time alone, it can be really easy to lose your sense of self - where once you thought of yourself as confident and able, you now see yourself as someone who’s unsure of themselves, who they are, and what they can do and even what they like to do. I suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) which has stripped away my every sense of self at times but what also works in its favour is the isolation and loneliness I’m made to feel because my illness makes it incredibly difficult to go out and socialise with people. So the time I spend alone, I’m left surrounded by my thoughts and isolation, it all feeds into one another in a vicious cycle of self-doubt and depression. I have found ways to help not feel lonely and not allow the isolation to make me feel so alien in the world which I have listed later on in this post. I’m getting better at not allowing my illness and the isolation that follow to get the best of me and change how I see and feel about myself and don’t get me wrong, sometimes it can be really difficult but I know that I’m stronger than the negative feelings. 💜
I've previously explained how living with severe OCD is like watching a horror movie and you feel as if you're on the edge of your seat, waiting for the scary thing to happen. Another way that I can explain what having OCD is like, is that you're living on an island by yourself and you can see everyone else living together like normal across the sea from you but you can't reach or get to them. You're confused as to why you can't live as they do but you know what stops you (your illness) yet you hope and wait for someone to notice you on your own and try and get to you. However, no matter how hard the other person tries to reach you, they never seem to fully make it to your side of the sea, even when you think they're about to reach you, it's as if there still always seems to be a film separating the two of you. It's such a horrible and isolating feeling - it's lonely on that island.
There's a "Grey's Anatomy" episode (Season 4, Episode 14), where a patient comes in needing a heart transplant but has to be kept in quarantine (by using a plastic wrap shield around the area that she's in) so as not to risk getting ill so she can remain able to have the surgery. If you watch the episode or have watched it, you'll see that throughout the episode she becomes and explains how horrible and difficult it is to have to be alone in there and have her children and husband watch and interact with her on the opposite side of the shield. She can't hug them, comfort them, play with her kids, or even allow them to hold her hand, even the doctors have to check her vitals by using a gloved opening in the shield wall - she gets no human contact. The first time I watched this episode, and every time I rewatch the episode, it always sticks with me and saddens me because it very well explains how I feel and how I've felt in the past - alone, wrapped in such a protective layer (or at least what my OCD makes me think is a "protective" layer) that no one can get to me nor I them. I've always felt that I was unreachable because of my illness, that those who try to love or care for me can't or struggle to because there are so many obstacles in the way due to my OCD. That's why I explain that living with OCD makes me feel like I'm on a desert island, out of reach, far away from people. Can you imagine what that's like, having no human contact? Have you ever felt like that? The feeling of complete isolation and a somewhat sense of abandonment because no one can help you or sometimes doesn't understand that you're ill and not okay. The lack of understanding that, yes, it's difficult to find a way to get to you but it's worthwhile and helpful in the long run for you, to feel love, and care, and get to a place and feel a sense of comfort, to know that you're seen by someone. That someone sees you, they're trying to get to you, to look out for you.
OCD leaves you feeling so alone and isolated from the world. I know what this is like and not just because I suffer from the condition where we sufferers experience, think, and see things differently than others who don't suffer from the illness but also because my OCD has left me unable to leave my own flat. For 3 years now, leaving my flat has caused me an incredible amount of pain and difficulty from the terror of the uncontrollable of being outside but also when I come back and I am forced to clean myself down extremely thoroughly, going as far as changing my clothes because of the fear and anxiety I'm made to feel! Everyone somewhat experienced this in 2020 when the Covid pandemic hit and we were all made to stay inside during lockdown, well that's pretty much how it still is for me but the only difference is that with lockdown, we were safer inside, but with OCD I'm not safe from it even if I stay in. I can't win! However, on the rare occasion that I do make it safely out the front door, I have found that once I'm outside and I get used to it, it's not too bad to deal with so I like to believe that when I start to challenge this behaviour more in the future, that it'll get easier for me to do (I say that like it's an option! 😂 It's not - it has to get better because that's what I want, that's the life that I want to be able to live.). This may have something to do with the fact that I'm also Autistic so when I'm out in public, I tend to mask (which if you don't know, is when those who have Autism or other likewise disabilities, copy, mimic, or show the behaviours that others do or that they've been taught to know are socially acceptable) so that means I don't refuse to touch anything or be extra careful with how I touch and hold items, I touch door handles, railings on buses, and try not to have an anxiety attack in public (😂), etc. Now, this doesn't mean that the OCD has magically disappeared (oh, how I wished it did 😂) but I have to continuously use coping mechanisms in my head and keep fighting the screaming that is happening in my brain, I have to remember each and every part of me and my personal belongings that will need to be cleaned down once I get back which is what I always have to do. So not only am I going to have to challenge the behaviour of leaving my flat and getting used to that but also decreasing and, hopefully, eventually stopping the cleaning that I do when I get back. I'm both looking forward to and not looking forward to challenging that behaviour and exposing myself to my fears! 😂 But back to the point, since I can't leave my flat without extreme difficulty, the loneliness and disconnection I feel from not being able to be around people (when I actually want to that is 😂) and not being able to go outside to move about and get fresh air is horrible and causes a great sense of loss within me. I'm once again alone, stranded on my small island with no way of feeling connected to people and a part of something or other.
It's not difficult to think about the "outer" loneliness that is felt when suffering from OCD (i.e., not being able to meet up with people or feel connected to others, etc.) but another major thing that I find difficult is the sense of "inner" loneliness. Since my illness makes everything so difficult to do, I feel, at times, completely disconnected from my perception of myself, including the way I think about myself. Before I became so ill with OCD, I saw myself as someone capable of doing it all, anything that was thrown my way, I could do, no matter what else was happening or how I was feeling. Granted there were times when I probably should've said, "No", and taken the time to relax and recharge my batteries but taking that out of the picture, I tried not to let much stop me! Now, simply going to the bathroom fills me with anxiety and dread, not knowing if something is going to happen to tick my OCD off or if the OCD is just going to be louder today if it's a bad day. Even if nothing bad or out of the ordinary happens (which more often than not it doesn't), my OCD still makes such an everyday, necessary, and basic task so difficult. How did I use to manage to revise for my exams, look after myself, check in on family, go to school, do homework, and anything else life threw my way and take it all in my stride but now, I'm stuck wondering if I could risk having another drink and if it would be alright and not make me need to go to the toilet, no matter how thirsty I am? I like to see myself as someone who is still capable, and a strong, able person, who's independent but the reality is, because of my illness and how severe it is, I'm not completely like that. I depend on those around me to help me out all of the time, no matter how much I don't want to and want to be able to do it myself, I can't (at the moment) and need help. I know I'm still strong because that's who I am and the fact that I've lived and survived OCD and my worst days is nothing short of a miracle. I just wish that I can go back to who I used to be and just be able to get on with everything with little to no difficulty.
So, I had therapy this past week, right? And my therapist asked me what I would do if my OCD wasn't so prevalent in my life (oh, what a dream! 😂) and I replied that I might look into going back to education and look for a job, and be able to help out around the flat with chores and such. She then went on to explain that the reason she asked was that it's been found that during the Covid lockdown, when people couldn't go to work or be in social situations, they felt that they weren't able to or didn't know if they could or how to be back in those situations, and she wondered if I felt the same in regards to my OCD. And I do. I have been really worried about me going back to work if I can manage and handle it alongside what I now know about myself (i.e., how bad my OCD can get, my Autistic behaviours), and the limits I know I have (and are completely okay to have! 💜). Ironically, the social situations of interacting with others and being able to socialise more with friends isn't that scary or daunting for me, I'm looking forward to it as it'll be something else that I would be able to do besides sitting inside all day, alone on my island. I'm also not scared because I have great friends and people around me. I'm a confident person, the phrases I live by, that give me confidence and make me feel able to go out with friends again help me. But all is not lost, I will try, I will fight, and I will not accept defeat in my recovery - I deserve the life I want to live. 💜
It's strange though, I thought being isolated and secluded from the world would make me even more socially anxious, not wanting to or struggling to talk to people when in reality, it's had the opposite effect. I could gossip, chinwag, small talk, and chat like I'm the most confident person who doesn't suffer from a severe anxiety disorder ever! 😂 I sometimes wish people would strike up a conversation so I can talk, laugh and have a human connection/interaction when I’m actually out and about. Maybe my isolation from the outside world will benefit me in terms of conversation and people skills in the future? I won't be taking for granted the shared smile or giggle when something funny happens whilst out, those people who you can chat and laugh with whilst in a shop and continue to strike up the same joke and conversation when you see one another later on, down another aisle. I wonder if those people ever think or realise just how much it makes my day or other people's? From not being able to talk to anyone but my Mum (and myself 😂), to sharing an inside joke with a stranger? That's the type of human connection I want to feel again, and need to experience it again to help me feel not quite so alone in the world. Feeling this isolated from the world and other people isn't good, it's not healthy, even if when you do go outside and interact with other people, you want to go back inside away from everyone! 😂 It’s the choice to be able to do so, having that choice, that freedom, the ability to actually go out and do things is something that I miss, I used to always be able to go out for walks, to the cinema, to hang out with friends, go out for a meal, I miss it so much. That ability to leave our home is a luxury that I feel like we all take for granted at times. I know and understand now more than ever that not everyone can for various reasons, but I'm grateful that I can hopefully one day be able to do so again with little to no difficulty.
So I wanted to come up and share my own list of ways to manage and make myself feel better when I feel lonely and isolated from the world. If you can think of any more good tips and tricks that you want to add, then comment below or DM me on Instagram (@heyuniverseblog)!
Ways To Manage The Loneliness:
1. Do things that bring you joy (self-explanatory - read, dance (no matter how awkwardly), sing (no matter how badly), binge-watch shows and movies, cook, draw, do what makes you happy!)
2. Talk to someone (even yourself - if you can't find comfort in the words of others, find them in the words of yourself! 😂)
3. Positive affirmations and reminders ("You've got this!" "This feeling is temporary!" "Go kick today’s butt!” Anything really 😂)
4. Treat yourself (sleep in late, eat your favourite meal, have a pamper evening, play video games, go to bed earlier)
5. Ride it out (simple but effective! And it’s also the main phrase I use to explain how I handle anything! 😂)
At the end of the day, even if you spend it isolated from the world and those around you for whatever reason it may be, whether it's by your own choice or not, you've always got yourself. You've got to have your own back so that the feeling of being alone can't fully get to you if you wrap yourself around in your own protective layer of self-love and self-acceptance. If that's too difficult, that's okay, self-respect and/or awareness also go such a long way! It's better than being isolated and alone asking, "Hey Universe, Did You Forget About Me?"
Thank you for reading - all the best! 💜
Emily 🌌
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