TRIGGER WARNING: Talks of vomiting and harmful behaviour. Reader discretion is advised.
"I may not be where I want to be, but thank God I am not where I used to be." - Joyce Meyer
What does it even mean to be successful? Is it constantly winning and achieving awards and goals? Is it moving further and reaching higher levels than before? Or is it simply continuing to try, continuing to try in life and looking back and realising that you made it, that despite everything that happened to you, you're still alive? And that's the success you should sure as hell be proud of! 💜
So I've been writing a lot about my OCD and generally heavy, deep things so I thought that it's about time that I switched that up and wrote about something a bit more positive and uplifting. Now, with OCD, I'm not going to lie to you, there is probably more bad stuff than good but that doesn't mean I can't try to find some good within the bad! One of the things that I sometimes struggle with, and have done for a long time, is giving myself credit where credit is due and recognising where and when I've achieved something. So, recently in my recovery, I have taken the time to sit and think back on how I've challenged and overcame the OCD as well as reflecting on how some of the OCD behaviours and compulsions that I do are so much better and different than how they used to be. Of course, the absolute best thing would be to not be doing or feeling like I have to do the compulsions and safety behaviours altogether but hey, I'll take what I can get for now and I'm still really impressed and amazed by how much I have challenged the OCD so go me! 😂
In a previous round of therapy that I was in, my therapist back then was teaching me about Exposure and Response Prevention Therapy (ERP) and how it worked in treating OCD and other anxiety disorders and phobias (and if you would like to read more about that, then go and read a previous post called, "How Do You Treat OCD?"!). She said this one thing that has continuously stuck with me throughout all this time and that was that the recovery and healing from OCD is like travelling through Hell and that she was just the tour guide. She may be able to hold my hand and point out the different areas of recovery and instruct and advise me how to get through it all but in the end, it was me who was going to actually have to go through it and endure the suffering it took to get better. And so far, I can completely agree that taking my life back from OCD is hell, it's horrible, painful, and downright exhausting but well, I've made it this far!
The following list includes some of my major successes in overcoming OCD but not all because otherwise, we'd be here for a long time if I had to describe and explain them all! 😂 So without further ado, here's my list of my OCD Successes! 💜
1. Hand Washing Challenging: Hand washing (including having to wash my arms after going to the bathroom) has got to be one of my longest symptoms and problems when it comes to my OCD. It has caused me the most problems, pain, and, well, money to have to deal with. It's been a long journey in getting better and challenging my hand-washing behaviours so here we go! In the beginning, I used to have to wash my hands to the count of 20 which would be for every part of my hands (eg. fingers, palms, nails, etc.) as well as also having to pump a handful of soap for each part. Through ERP, I was able to challenge that behaviour by reducing it by 5 each time until I got to where I'm still at today which is 10. Now, the most recent changes I've made to my hand-washing routine have happened this past year where I've reduced the amount of soap that I use as well as how meticulous I am when it comes to my hand and arm washing. I started by reducing the amount of soap that I used and how this came about has got to be one of the most impressive things I've been able to do in changing my thinking when it comes to my OCD behaviours. So I used to have 2 different types of hand-washing routines, one was what I called my "Normal Person" routine in which I didn't keep going back and using more soap, I would just use one handful of soap and that's it. I would do this routine when my hands were "dirty" but not "too dirty" which I know sounds completely random and weird but I annoyingly can't think of a specific example of when I would use it, it might've been used if I moved my hands too close to something that's "dirty". The second type of hand washing routine, which is the one I used most often and was my normal routine, is when I would go back and use multiple loads of soap for each part of my hands. The massive change that I've made is that I now only do the "Normal Person" routine which I now get to call my actual normal hand-washing method! This came about and changed one day whilst I was washing my hands during my usual morning routine and I realised that I didn’t have enough soap to wash myself like I usually do so I had to make a change in that moment with the soap that I did have about whether I risked not having enough soap to clean my arms or do a “Normal Person” hand wash to allow me to have enough soap for my arms. I ended up making the decision to do a “Normal Person” hand wash when I usually wouldn’t so that I could clean my arms as I knew that not being able to clean them would’ve caused me the most problems and anxiety. This decision and courage to be able to make this sudden change got me thinking about the times when I was able to do the "Normal Person" hand wash and not what I usually did. I couldn't wrap my head around why and how I washed my hands two different ways where one time it's okay to do it one way one time but not that way later another time so I made the active decision to only do the "Normal Person" routine always and it was scary! I was really taking charge and abandoning a behaviour that I had been doing for years and was told was done to keep me "safe"! It was crazy and I seriously surprised myself when I did it and continued to wash my hands every time in that way! But I did it and I'm so happy that I have, I spend less time and so much less soap now! When it comes to my arm washing, I have been challenging the behaviour by both reducing the amount of soap that I use as well as also not being so attentive and meticulous when it comes to the actual washing part. This was done in gradual steps (so typical ERP technique 😂) where I started by using one small handful of soap for the bottom part of my forearms, and then getting another pump of soap for the top part of my forearms (just below the elbows), so in total, I would use 4 handfuls of soap for both arms which reduced the amount by half from my old way of doing this. When I became comfortable washing my arms this way, I then changed it by only using one handful of soap and washing it over the whole arm, allowing me to reduce the amount of soap used and the time spent cleaning my arms by not being so precise with the washing. This last part is still somewhat new and is where I'm currently at with my hand and arm washing routines and it's been going really well, yes it's still nerve-wracking, and yes the thoughts and fears still come in that I'm not clean enough or that I haven't washed myself properly but I've still continued to challenge the OCD. I'm super proud of how far I've come and the stage that I'm currently at with the behaviour and I will continue to challenge this obsession and compulsion more in the future!
2. Arm Washing Changes: This success somewhat ties in with the one above but. I didn't always use to wash my arms after using the bathroom the way that I do now. Before I get into it, I want to make it EXPLICITLY CLEAR that I DO NOT AGREE with the method that I used to clean myself with nor is it good or the right thing to do and use on your body! I was told and made to believe, by a mental illness, that it was the best thing to do to ensure that I was "properly clean" and that I was keeping everyone "safe”! Please, please, please DO NOT engage in this behaviour as it's unsafe and irrational! When I used to clean my arms, I used to have to use Dettol Wipes or the spray which is what is commonly used to clean the household or kitchen areas but I used to use this to clean my arms after going to the bathroom. However, this had to change after a particularly scary event roughly 4 years ago. I was woken up one night by the feeling that I was going to be sick (I know, not a nice thought or feeling but bare with me!), this is strange for me as normally I just sleep through the night, not having to get up, so the fact that the feeling itself actually woke me up made me know that something wasn't right! I decided that I would just go and see if I needed to use the bathroom because I thought that might relieve the pain I was feeling, however, this was not the case. I started to feel worse, I became dizzy and lightheaded, and I still felt like I was going to be sick, as well as feeling wobbly on my feet, it was horrible! I called for my Mum (as we all would do 😂) and explained to her what was going on, the feelings of nausea were still there and she suggested that I sit on the edge of the bath so that I could lean over the toilet if I needed to but I just couldn't move! I did try but I felt too faint. My Mum and I sat this out and tried to think of what could be causing this - was it something I ate? Not likely because my Mum and I eat the same things and she was completely fine. Was it stress? I was no more stressed than usual so no. During this time my Mum got more and more worried for me as I had lost all colour in my face and lips, she even said that I looked like I was dead. She was even considering calling 999 because I was not looking or feeling good at all. Eventually, I started to come around and feel a little bit better, some colour was coming back to my face, and my legs felt a bit stronger to carry me. My Mum was the one who realised what might have caused this and asked if it could be the amount of Dettol that I was using to clean myself throughout the day. I didn't want to think that that was what it was but it did start to make sense and was the only thing we could think of. How ill and faint I felt scared me so much that it was enough for me to be brave enough to try and come up with a way to change this behaviour which is where the use of hand sanitizer came in. I swapped out the Dettol to clean my arms after the bathroom to using hand sanitizer on a tissue to clean my arms. Ever since I made that change, I have never had that horrible illness again. However, my success with my arm washing doesn't stop there! After this event, I had just started my 4th round of therapy, where I was given the help and support to challenge this compulsion again by swapping the hand sanitizer for soap and water and integrating that into my normal hand-washing routine which has been what I've been doing ever since! Yes, the end goal is to eventually not have to clean my arms at all after going to the bathroom but for now, I'm using a much safer and better way to clean myself and I'm proud of how far I've come and my bravery in challenging these behaviours. And please remember that you SHOULD NEVER use kitchen or household cleaning items on your body, it's not safe, it's not good, and isn't right! I'm so glad that I don't use this anymore!
3. No Longer Sitting On Bin Bags: 5 years ago, when my OCD really started to come back and affect my life horribly (and that's putting it politely! 😂), I had a compulsion where I could only sit on black bin bags, where my Mum would have to get a clean bag each day for me to sit on. This was because my OCD made me believe that if I didn't, I would spread a, wait for it, STD (yep, completely irrational, I know! 😂) and make someone else ill and it would've been my fault - I do talk more about this in detail in a previous post called, "Me, Myself, And OCD - Part 2" so if you would like to read more about this compulsion, how it affected me in detail, and the thoughts and fears my OCD made me believe then it's all there! How I overcame this was that my therapist at the time looked up information about STDs and how long they can live outside the human body (by the way, it's about 5 - 10 seconds). During my next appointment, she explained to me what she knew and found out (I didn't know she was doing this, by the way), and we both went through and used a technique in treating OCD which is called Theory A/Theory B. How it works is that you make two columns and sort of do a pros and cons list about the belief/obsession (aka. thinking I would pass on an STD if I sat down without a black bag underneath me) where one side was would happen if the thought was true and the other side if it wasn't true, and you'd list the evidence you have for both beliefs. My therapist and I discussed that the evidence of my obsession not being true was greater than the one my OCD wanted me to believe (obviously 😂) which did include the information she had learnt from her research which let me tell you, put my mind so at ease! And before anyone comments or argues that she shouldn't have done that because she seemed to be "giving me reassurance" or "not encouraging me to get used and learn to be comfortable with uncertainty", her telling me the facts and information that she had learnt didn't completely take away my anxiety! A small part of me was still really worried and scared to sit down without a protective layer underneath me but knowing I had that arsenal of knowledge and evidence to support and back up my decision, made me feel a little more comfortable and confident to expose myself to an anxiety-inducing situation which I was able to do! I now and have not for years, had to sit on a "protective layer" of any kind! The thought still comes into my mind but I pay it no attention!
4. Hugging My Mum: Something that has broken my heart from suffering from OCD is the inability to hug my own Mum. This is because of Contamination OCD which is the obsession surrounding germs and cleanliness. However, these past few weeks I have been challenging this behaviour more and more but I will be talking more about that in a future post so keep your eyes peeled! 👀
5. Staying Alive: Now, I know this may not fall in like the others but when I look back on how far I've come in my recovery so far and think about my successes, one of the first and main things that come to mind is the fact that I survived. There were many times during this fight that I thought and even believed that I wouldn't make it, the nights I kept having to go back and repeat compulsions again, and again, and again, when my arms were so dry and sore from the constant washing that they were cracked and bleeding, when all I could do day in and day out was sleep and stay in bed because I couldn't do anything and I was so terrified of simply walking around the flat that I didn't move. All I could do was just take it day by day and even when that proved to be difficult, I took it one breath at a time (which is actually something that I found really helpful to remember and think about when I would have anxiety attacks!). But despite that, I somehow have continued to survive, and continue to survive the horrible times that I still find myself in sometimes. And that is a big success that I'm proud of! 💜
I want to end this post by saying that if you're also struggling with your health whether it's physical, mental, or otherwise, I want you to know that you can do this, you can continue to fight and make it out of the dark times - you'll get through it. You can continue to live and even make a life you're happy and proud of! I know it can be so difficult and sometimes (or quite often 😂) you feel like giving up but know that you will and can be successful! You and I won't always be left wondering, "Hey Universe, Did You Forget About Me?"
Thank you for reading - all the best! 💜
Emily 🌌
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