Dear My Therapist,
I'm very ill. I may not physically look it but I'm not well. I may be able to somewhat look after myself and come across as someone able but I am ill. I have a severe mental illness called Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). This may ring a bell to you but I'm not sure if you quite get or understand that. Despite the fact that we have had multiple appointments together, you don't know or seem to understand anything about me or my illness. To you, I'm just your 3 pm appointment, but for me, this is the fight for my life. I live and wait for these appointments between each of them. I live from appointment to appointment as my illness has debilitated me so much that I'm not able to do anything else but wait. I've told you or at least tried to tell you how my OCD impacts my life and how I greatly struggle and suffer from it, but I don't think you quite understand or maybe want to understand what I'm saying and what I mean by how I struggle. So let me break it down for you, when I tell you that I can't do anything and struggle to do the basic requirements needed to survive, I'm not just saying that - I actually can't do much of anything without extremely great difficulty. I'm not being dramatic, I'm not exaggerating, I can't do anything and I need your help. But yet you still don't seem to understand that I'm ill.
I have OCD and you're supposed to help me, you've been trained and hired to help, not sit there and seem like you're reading how to treat me from a book, not seeing me as a person when spouting generic information about my illness and giving "help and advice". You need to give specific information and advice that is tailored to me and my illness, not what you've read from a manual. I'm in desperate need of help, which I've told you about, but yet you once again see it as something that I'm "just saying." I'm scared for my life because the quality of it has depleted to nearly nothing. I'm not sure what I have left or if I have much left before everything about me is gone. And if it's gone, I don't know if I'll get it back . . . So please, please help me because I need to get better, I need to live my life and not be stuck inside all of the time, not able to get out of both my mind and my home.
You work with people in an industry that is designed to help heal people and make them feel and be better, you work with vulnerable, ill individuals who suffer but you seem to see me as something from a textbook that you follow the set guidelines led out to help and that's it. That's not how it works. Each person you meet is an individual, yes we share similar characteristics and symptoms, and the basis of the illness works the same, but how the disorder interacts with us and the reasonings behind it are different and may require a different approach each time. I've told you and it's on my record that I've been through therapy for my OCD 4 times before, completing and "learning" the same information, what the disorder is, how it works, different ways it can come up, how to treat it, triggers to look out for, etc. I've had this information drilled into me so much, so many times that I could teach a class on this one disorder and all of the students would be able to pass with flying colours. You know I've been through this routine many times before in trying to get better but yet you give me a basic booklet when you know that I've done this many times already which you said yourself would be pointless to go over again when I first met you. I have already filled the booklet out before on my last bout of therapy but I still filled it out for you again. It was of no use to me but I did it. I did it because I'm desperate for help. Maybe I missed something the previous times so I completed the entire thing. I completed it to show you I'm serious about wanting and needing to get better, just in case that was something you were thinking. The booklet is used to structure 10 weeks' worth of therapy appointments, and 10 individual therapy appointments, which I did all by myself with no help or assistance because I didn't need it nor was given it, I completed it in one fail swoop. It was basic and repetitive for me. It was like revision for a subject that I knew like the back of my hand. And it is. Why don't you get that? Giving me this booklet and having me fill it out so that you "know where I'm at with the illness" is a waste of my time, your time, and our time together in the appointments.
I should be eager and look forward to my appointments as I know that it's another chance to help me get better and to take back my life from OCD but I don't look forward to them. It's not because I have to work through and talk about serious stuff as well as knowing that I have to prepare and actually put myself in anxiety-inducing situations but because it's with you. I don't think you care. I could get discharged tomorrow and you wouldn't blink an eye. You wouldn't be concerned about my health or welfare. I've had to make progress by myself, to decide and create exposure tasks and put myself through them without the help and guidance from my therapist because you don't know what you're doing, you're not helping. You don't seem to have a clue about what's going on with me and that's not how it should be. You should know my compulsions, you should know my history, you should know how it manifests with me. But you don't. And when I tell you about the progress I've made in challenging my OCD and doing exposure tasks, you should be proud or at least come across as somewhat happy for me! I'm taking steps in getting better, I'm trying to recover from an illness that has all but killed me but you don't. You sit there, you barely even smile in pride or happiness that I'm making headway in my recovery. You sit there and ask me what caused me to start challenging the OCD behaviours and when I tell you, you just respond by asking, "Why can't you apply that thinking to all of your other compulsions and problem areas?" Excuse me? If I could do that with the ability and ease that you think, I wouldn't be ill. I wouldn't have OCD. That's why you're here, that's why I'm in therapy, that's why I need help. It's not that easy to just switch your thinking when your brain makes you think that by not washing your arms after going to the bathroom, you're not clean and are dirty which will spread to everything and everyone if you don't do something about it. When your brain makes you feel uncomfortable in your own skin because you apparently need to "clean yourself down". Or your brain tells you you can't eat or drink anything because it's "dirty" and if you do eat or drink whatever it is then you'll be dirty and not feel right or comfortable, starting the whole cycle of cleaning again but with the added joy of being hungry and/or thirsty. It's an illness. I have an illness, not just a "funny way of thinking".
It's taken a long time for me to learn to use my voice and stand up for myself, especially when it comes to speaking up against a professional. But then again, I'm a professional when it comes to my illness. I'm the one that's suffering from it and living with the consequences of it, not you. And yet when I told you about my Autism diagnosis which was given to me by my other therapist that you work with, you said to me, "You don't seem Autistic." What? I felt like I was back at square one, lost, and not sure how to respond or what to say, I didn't even know what to think. I was still coming to terms with the diagnosis myself and was surprised that after 22 years, it was only just being revealed to me that I was neurodivergent, and then for you to just come out and say that, is astounding. You should never say something like that to someone who is Autistic or anyone who has a mental or physical disability! What does Autism even look like? Because Autism doesn't have a "look". Just because I don't have the stereotypical or "common" traits related to Autism, doesn't mean I'm not Autistic. Yes, I can make and maintain eye contact, yes, I can use and understand sarcasm, and yes, I can read and understand mine and other people's emotions very well (I can do that too well actually, which is actually also a trait related to Autism). I still display other characteristics of the disability and for you to turn around and dismiss it and refuse to acknowledge it in our sessions, to not see and work together with me to figure out how it interacts with my OCD is close-minded and dangerous because you are not giving me the correct or necessary help, care, and advice that I need.
I was previously told by my last therapist when she referred me to this service that you're with that I need to be emotionally vulnerable and to tell my therapist when I'm not doing okay. That I need to be able to say that a therapist isn't working out for me and that it's okay to say that and to request a new person because, at the end of the day, it's my life on the line here. It's me that will suffer if I don't get the correct help. It's me who will pay for it. So you need to step up, and you need to help because I'm not afraid to stand up and say you're not helping and that I need someone new who can and will help me because with you I'm beginning to wonder, "Hey Universe, Did You Forget About Me?"
Yours sincerely,
Emily
[This was written as a therapeutic tool in processing my emotions, thoughts, and feelings when it comes to my situation with my therapist. If you've read my previous posts then you'll know I've been struggling with the therapist that I'm with. I highly recommend this tool of writing a letter (and not necessarily sending it) to someone you need to and unloading your thoughts and emotions onto it so that you can get everything out of your head if you're not able to do so in real life. They're never going to read it so go nuts and be free when it comes to what you put in it. Lastly, if you're in or have been in the same boat as me when it comes to having a therapist that you don't connect with nor seems to be helping you, you are allowed to stand up for yourself and say, "I deserve more." It doesn't make you "picky", or "annoying", and you're allowed to say something or someone isn't working for you! I hope you're all okay and doing well! 💜 Thank you for reading - all the best! 🌌]
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