Me, Myself, and OCD - Part 1

 “Hey Universe, Did You Forget About Me?” - Part 1/2

I'm in pain.

They say "Write what you know" and that's what I know, that's what I know I feel. I've been struggling to write this post for this week because I'm in pain, this past week has been on the difficult side, where I’m struggling with everything. I feel like when I'm writing my blog, I should be upbeat, funny, and positive and even though I can be those things, I don't always feel it, especially when it comes to my OCD. I’m working on that though because talking and dealing with your mental health or any health or life issues that you go through, no one should feel bad about talking about it - getting whatever it is out of your head whether that’s by journaling, creating a playlist, talking to someone, or even writing a blog (😂) can help sort things out in your mind.

I've been struggling to write the post for this week because as I mentioned, I've been having a difficult time where I felt like I had lost my voice when it came to my writing. I was trying so hard to keep it upbeat, funny, and entertaining so that those who read it wouldn't get down whilst reading and would want to continue following along with my blog, I was also struggling to write it because nothing felt right to me, it didn't feel honest or how I wanted it to be. You see, I've wanted to share my experiences with OCD for a while because it's debilitating, OCD isn’t talked about enough, not the whole nitty-gritty of the disorder, and it’s also taken so much from me. I want people to know that it's not just a "love for cleaning" and how those who suffer from this condition don’t want to do what their brain is telling them to do but feel like they have to, it's not being organised and a "neat freak", it's a time-consuming, painful (and that's putting it lightly!), and crappy illness! So if you want a constantly light, funny, and toxic positive read, then this blog may not be for you (I'm more upbeat on my Instagram so give me a follow @heyuniverseblog - selfless plug 😉😂) and don't get me wrong, I'm not going to constantly be negative and down, trust me, even I wouldn't want to read that, let alone write that! But I am going to be honest and open and that sometimes isn't always lighthearted. I hope that you'll continue to read along and follow my journey as I try to take my life back from OCD but if you don't, that's fine too, this will be helpful for me.

I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) when I was 12/13 years old so I've had this condition for 10/11 years now and don't get me wrong, I've not suffered with it constantly since my initial diagnosis (thank God! 😂) but I've had it come about at different times throughout those 10/11 years. If you've read my previous post, "Class Is In Session - OCD 101" then you'll know what OCD is and its different variations and if you haven't read it yet, go ahead and read it and then come back. I'll wait . . .

Have you read it? Yes? Good! I’ve suffered from 3/4 of the main areas of OCD, Routines, Contamination, and Intrusive Thoughts. When I was 12/13, I was a typical teenager, I had posters all over my bedroom walls and I got new posters every weekend which would then be added to my collection that Sunday. I used to really enjoy cutting them out of my magazines, finding room for them with the others that were already up on my wall and then climbing all over my bed or on top of stools to be able to reach and stick the new ones up. I would put some music on and dance along whilst rearranging my posters. I had fond memories of this time, my Mum, however, doesn't share this sentiment! 😂 For each poster that I put up, the line that was cut out of the magazines had to be straight (no jagged edges), and on the wall they had to be in line, not even slightly crooked otherwise I would recut it, if necessary, to make it straighter, and the posters had to "look right" altogether (that famous OCD line!), meaning that the people on the poster had to be the same ones as those next to them and the colours (ie. the backgrounds used in the poster) had to go together. Doesn't sound too bad, does it? Who wouldn't want to make sure that the pictures being used to decorate their room looks neat and tidy? However, the problem came when I would need a second opinion on whether the poster was straight and in line with those next to it, now enters my Mum. I would call my Mum into my room and she would stand in the middle and tell me if it was straight and if not whether I needed to move it higher or lower on whichever side it was. Normally, this would be enough and my Mum would help me get it right (or what she thought was right), I'd step down off whatever I was climbing on top of and look at my work. Usually, she would be right and I would thank her, let her go, and I'd go to the next poster that needed to be stuck up. However, often my Mum wasn't right (to me and what I wanted when I looked at the posters), I would then have to climb back up, with my Mum still in the room or back in the room helping, and adjust them however I thought they needed to. Then I'd climb back down and this routine would continue to repeat itself until I thought it was done and done correctly. There were also times when if I wasn't happy with my Mum's response or if she wasn't around to help me, I'd call in my sister for her opinion and help. And the whole routine of climbing up and down and adjusting posters would continue even with her. The reason why my Mum doesn't look back on my posters with much fondness is that for her, it wasn't fun, not just because she would sometimes have to keep coming in and out of my room helping me with the same thing for different posters or because she was standing in the middle of her youngest’s room with their butt in her face, asking, "It this straight?" Makes a slight adjustment. "Is this straight?" but because I would get so upset and worked up if the posters weren't going or looking the way I wanted them to. To me this was really upsetting and irritating, it just wouldn’t sit right with me! I wouldn't be able to move on to another one or take a break and come back to it because it would irritate me so much and for me, it would just be there constantly in the back of my head until it was done and it would be so annoying! At the time, my Mum and I didn't think anything of this, we just thought I was a perfectionist and liked things to be neat but it turns out, that wasn't actually it. Hindsight's amazing, isn't it? 😂

I also hated with a passion anyone touching and moving my stuff in my room and I would instantly know by looking at the top of my chest of drawers if anyone had as I could always remember how I left everything and where it would all go. This was because I felt very possessive of my stuff and where it was laid out was how I wanted it to be, whether it was for convenience or because I liked the way it looked, it was placed there for a reason and anyone moving it, even if by accident, would upset me and I would get so annoyed at the person who moved it! I would go straight to my Mum and ask (sometimes demand, sorry!) who was in my room and she would tell me or I'd figure it out and get annoyed at her and/or them. I'd tell them to stay out of my room or ask permission before going in and if I was at school they should either text me or wait until I came home. This and my routine of getting ready for school each morning were the signs of OCD in me. Now comes along my morning routine and getting ready for school every day. At this time, I'm still the same age as I was with my posters, 12/13 years old, I was living with my Mum, sister, Grandad, and our dog in a 2-bedroom flat where we all shared 1 bathroom . . . Yeah, not ideal! 😂 I had a routine down to a fine art when getting ready in the morning, from getting dressed, going to the bathroom, and getting out the door, on time for school. I still remember it to this day, that's how much it was instilled in my brain! I would wake up, change out of my pyjamas, put on my bra and underwear, put on my socks, my trousers, then my shirt, go to the bathroom, go back to my room, tuck in my shirt, put on my jumper, my Mum would then always brush my hair into a plait for me, have my breakfast and coffee, put on concealer under my eyes, brush my teeth, put on my blazer, put on my shoes, grab my bag and out the door at 7:45 am. I always followed this structure to the death, every day! For most people, having a morning routine and structure is normal, it's helpful, and it helps make sure you get everything done that needs to be done before you go out and about your business for the day. The problem comes when your sister is running late in the bathroom or goes in before you (when normally she goes in after you), and you get really upset and terrified that you're going to be late for school. That's what my problem was. I would start yelling at her to hurry up and to get out so I could get in, I would try and get our Mum to get her to hurry up (sometimes, sadly, to no avail), and Mum would tell me to go and do something else to get ready whilst I wait for her but I always struggled when she suggested that because everything worked together like a line of dominoes. If I didn't go to the bathroom, I couldn't tuck in my shirt so I couldn't put my jumper on, I couldn't go and have breakfast early because that wasn't part of my routine, I would have to stop halfway through to go to the bathroom, finish getting changed and then come back to soggy cereal (no-one likes soggy cereal, let's be honest! 😂). So no, I would just stand around, waiting in my room, making sure everything was ready to go for when I came back as I was worried that I was running late, I would be getting scared and panicked, constantly looking at the clock, terrified that I was going to be late for school. My Mum and sister would get annoyed at me though for getting so upset that I was running late and telling them to hurry up but they didn't see nor understand how scared I was. Like with the posters, it just didn’t sit right with me if I was running behind schedule. Now, you may be thinking, "What's the big deal if you're a little bit late? Who cares?" but for me, it started this chain of events or chain of thoughts in my mind where I would get so worked up that (and this was my actual thinking process behind my whole routine and not being late for school) if I was late for school, I'd get detention, and if I got detention that would go on my record, if it went on my record, then it would go to whatever sixth form or college I would later apply to, they wouldn't accept me when the time came, I wouldn't go to University, I'd never get a degree, not get a good job and become homeless . . . That escalated quickly! 😂 It's completely okay if you laughed at that when you read it, by the way, I smiled and laughed to myself too whilst writing it! Even a previous therapist laughed when I told her all of it because it's so irrational and in actuality not that important in the process of getting into sixth form - especially not in the grand scheme of things! In therapy, they taught me that this type of thought process is known as "Magical Thinking" where you think/your OCD tells you that if one thing does or doesn't happen, it'll set off a chain of events that are typically always negative.

I, once again, didn't think much of this routine or if there was anything behind it. It wasn't until one weekend when my Grandad, like usual, bought me my magazine (or 2 😂) and there would always be a real-life story in there about someone's life or something. One magazine issue that I got featured a story about a girl who had a condition where a voice in her head would tell her she had to do certain things otherwise her mother would die or get badly hurt. One of the things she would have to do was to eat blocks of fondant icing (the type you make up and use to put on top of cakes) every day and do other stuff to keep her Mum safe. She explained how she couldn't help it and didn't want to do what her brain said but was too scared not to. She then went to the doctors to see if there was something wrong with her as it was affecting her life so much, she was then diagnosed with OCD. Reading her story, I related to so much of it and something clicked in my head that made me think "Hold on a minute, I know that feeling. That sounds familiar." I took the magazine to my Mum and told her to read the story, after she had read it I asked her if that reminded her of anyone and she said, "It sounds like you." And yes, this was the same magazine where my posters would come from! 😂 With this knowledge in mind, my Mum booked me an appointment to talk to my doctor where I explained what was happening with the posters and getting ready for school, how upset I'd get, and annoyed, they then said that it did sound like I was showing signs/traits of OCD (as a child though, they wanted to be careful in putting any proper name to my behaviour because I was so young, they didn’t want it to be too detrimental). I was then referred to a child therapist team where I was given therapy to talk and go through these patterns of behaviour and thinking and was helped to understand what was going on. Ironically, I don't recall much of these therapy sessions apart from the therapist using this specific analogy of a submarine to explain how my thoughts and behaviours(/compulsions) worked and how I (my conscious self, I think it was) was the person looking through the periscope at the world and how my thoughts were influenced by what was happening around me and that they were under the surface (below deck) or something like that . . . I know, don't ask! 😂

This would be the start of my (long and torturous) journey with OCD. After that course of therapy, the OCD started to calm down a bit and I was able to not get so upset over my posters or at my sister if she was taking a long time in the bathroom . . . Well, to a certain extent (come on, if you've shared a bathroom with your siblings, you know where I'm coming from!).

It wasn't until a few years ago when I went in for my 4th round of therapy for OCD that it all started to make sense why I went through what I did and what triggered the OCD to begin with when I was younger. Looking back, even now whilst writing about it, it's clear and maybe you've been able to figure it out and pinpoint it to something for why these things were upsetting me or what I was trying to get out of it. After explaining it to my therapist I was with then, she was able to make the connection and explain how because at the time, my Mum, sister, and I had to move in with my Grandad into his flat and I lost control in being able to do certain things, my brain tried to look for anything I could have control over and that happened to be my posters and morning routine. That's what my OCD stems from, even today I feel like, is the need for control. A lot of my obsessions and therefore compulsions can be rooted in a need for control for one reason or another. What I've had to come to terms with and what I'm still trying to understand and accept is that you can't control everything, no matter how hard you try or how many extra things you do to try and maintain the sense that you have control, you really don't. And that's okay. Despite what I may think or what my OCD wants me to believe, life and the universe aren't out to get me, and not having control over everything isn't going to cause problems that I'm going to have to deal with. I mean, my OCD is all about the need for control and that's what it's made me try to do, and yet I've still suffered despite doing what it wants and trying to control everything I can, how does that work? I try to do it all and maintain everything, and yet it's never good enough. That and the pain I've gone through have caused me to look up and ask, "Hey Universe, Did You Forget About Me?" 

My next post will be out on the following Monday where I will be finishing off my story with OCD, including treatments, and where I'm currently at with the disorder. Don’t forget to follow me on Instagram at @heyuniverseblog for more content and updates on new posts!

All the best ~

Emily 🌌

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