TRIGGER WARNING: This post does talk about suicide, physical harm, and sexual themes (including Peadophilia, Incest, and Beastiality). Reader Discretion is advised.
“Something bad is going to happen.”
Such an arbitrary thought, right? No basis to it, and no evidence to support it yet it holds so much threat. Now imagine the overflow of negative emotions that follows afterwards; the dread, the fear, the anxiety - all coming from this random, unsupported thought. You start to look back on what you’ve done or are doing and try to pinpoint what caused this thought to come into your head, maybe you forgot to turn the oven off? Are you sure you locked the door? Did you definitely turn the bathroom tap off? These thoughts don’t come in one after another, they come in altogether, in a bombardment of questioning and worry; the anxiety continues to build as you can’t find the culprit of this concern, the voices of fear get louder in your head as time goes on and your ability to think of logic and reason is slowly going because all that fills you is anxiety . . . This is what it’s like to live with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Or at least, a brief explanation of what it’s like to live with OCD put very simply and politely (in my honest opinion, the explanation would consist of a lot more swearing, anger, and frustration but I thought I’d keep it PG for you! 😂).
I wasn’t sure whether for my second post if I should write about myself and my experiences with OCD or whether I should write an introduction into OCD, what it is, and all its glory (please note the sarcasm!) but then I realised that to understand me, you need to understand and know OCD. Now before anyone comes for me and says, “But you’re so much more than your mental illness.” “There is more to Emily than OCD.” I’m going to stop you there and say as much as I know that it’s true as a whole when you step back and look at me, I’m more than what I suffer with but when you look at the details and step closer, you’ll see (and I will show and explain to you in the future) that due to how severe my condition is, I’m really nothing more but a robot, an empty vessel for my OCD. Now, if you’re reading this and also suffer from OCD or another mental illness, or a physical or chronic illness, please know that this is not the same for everyone and it’s just what it’s like for me. And also please know that you are so much more than what your brain or society tells you, what you have to go through every day just to survive, where able-minded and bodied people take for granted, is insane and you are exceptionally strong and God-like beings. 💜
Now, I’m not a Doctor, professional or expert in any way other than the fact that I’ve suffered with this condition since I was 12/13 years old (I’m now 23) so how I explain and define OCD and how it works is from my multiple courses of therapy, information blogs (which I will list some good ones that I follow on Instagram at the end below), online videos and my experiences. Please feel free to comment below this post with any other good recommendations of OCD or mental health pages that you know of or follow and also please feel free to share your own experiences and definition of OCD as well - I would love to read some! Also, if you’re worried or concerned that you or someone you know is showing signs of OCD please talk to your Doctor and seek proper medical help, there is help out there and you don’t need to suffer alone!
If someone asks me what OCD is, I call it the “What If?” Disorder. It’s an illness in which there’s a voice in my head saying that if I don’t do something or do something right, “something bad is going to happen”. Sometimes the threat can be specific and I know what it’s talking about, other times it can be a bit vague and it becomes a more general feeling. How OCD works is that it's a cycle where someone can have a thought or image pop into their head, this is known as an Obsession (e.g. Did I turn the oven off?), which can then cause them great amounts of fear, anxiety, and stress. This then causes the fight/flight response to happen in our brains. Now for those who don't suffer from OCD, they can probably see that the thought was just a very random thought that has no meaning to it whereas someone who does have OCD may not be able to see that or at least not see it straight away (and sometimes will need help to see it), therefore, what then happens is that our brains are trying to find the cause of this anxiety. But what happens is that the logical part of our brain is shut off so we are more likely to believe something irrational and that is when OCD thrives, it makes us believe in these irrational fears where we feel that they are in fact true. Our brain is trying to keep us safe, we want to feel safe and get rid of any potential danger so we think of a solution to calm this anxiety (e.g. double-checking that the oven is off, paying extra close attention to it). This is a Compulsion, it’s something that is done to calm someone’s anxiety levels. After performing a compulsion, the anxiety and other emotions that are felt can then start to decrease as we can see that we are now “safe”. However, the catch is and what can make it into a Disorder rather than someone who just had a concern or worry is that when that thought pops into our head again (and it will do as it does for pretty much everybody), that fear, that “something bad is going to happen” feeling comes about and it causes the cycle to happen again, and again, and again at any part of the day, week, or hour. People can perform compulsions for hours or have to do things a certain way so often that it makes doing regular, everyday tasks take so much longer; I mean, specifically, I’ve spent roughly 12 hours doing one routine in my day because I had to do so many compulsions, repeatedly so many times. It’s exhausting, humiliating, and aggravating but that feeling of “something bad is going to happen” and anxiety is so difficult to live with/get rid of that you stay stuck in doing these tasks in hope that the fear doesn’t come true and to prevent anything bad from happening. You may ask that if we know the fear is irrational or not as “dangerous” as we are led to think, why do we still carry out the compulsions? Well, it all goes back to that fear, that anxiety, that “something bad is going to happen”, we are so scared that the cause for concern is true and we want to prevent anything bad from happening, I mean if our brain is telling us and making us believe that we’re going to hurt someone or something bad will happen to those we care about if we don’t do this task, of course we’re not going to want to risk it coming true. We also get scared and worried over what that would mean about us if we didn’t do what our brains tell us and it makes us believe that we’re bad people if we don’t do what it says so we feel like it’s our responsibility to keep people safe no matter how irrational the fear is or how long the compulsion/s takes. It’s torturous.
When someone talks about or mentions Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, most people instantly think of hand-washing, cleaning, organisation, etc. however that is not all the disorder is and not everyone that has OCD suffers with these problems! There are 4 main areas of OCD: Contamination, Intrusive Thoughts, Checking, and Routines. I myself am an overachiever and I’ve suffered from 3 out of 4 of these areas (because why not aim high, right? 😂). You can suffer from all of these areas at the same time or they can come about separately at different times. Now, I want to make it clear that someone who suffers from OCD - no matter how it’s displayed or presented - wants to perform or engage in the compulsions, we feel like we have no choice, we don’t want to do it but we have to do it! To begin with, Contamination is where someone has obsessions surrounding hygiene, dirt, germs, disease, etc. where they can feel the germs, or for some people, they actually see the germs and dirt on them. They then may engage in compulsions such as constant hand-washing, sanitising, and cleaning of countertops or objects so as to feel and keep everyone and everything “safe”. Once again, they don’t want to do this but feel like they have to do it. Secondly, Intrusive Thoughts are one of the most under-talked-about areas of OCD because they can contain very taboo topics and areas (e.g. Incest). Intrusive Thoughts are unwanted and horrible thoughts that pop into someone’s head with no warning and can cause people high levels of distress. Another note I want to make VERY CLEAR to you, everyone gets intrusive thoughts, everyone! For example, a common one I feel like most people get is when you’re driving down a road and get the thought or urge to steer the car into oncoming traffic or to undo your seatbelt and jump out of a moving car or at least you wonder what would happen if these things were to happen (trust me, we all get them!). The difference between someone with OCD and someone without is that when the person without gets this thought, they can see it for what it is, a random thought, and think “Huh, that’s a weird thought,” and then they move on from it. However, those with OCD can struggle to see that it’s just a random and unwanted thought and start to obsess over it and when I say obsess, I mean they continuously think about it because it keeps looping back around in their minds and they over-analyse it. This is because our brains, the OCD, are tricking us into thinking there is meaning or something behind these thoughts which is usually not true! They are just thoughts but our brains can be predispositioned into overthinking about them due to OCD. These intrusive thoughts range from so many horrible areas such as Peadophilia, Incest, Beastiality, Suicide, Physical Harm to themselves or others and there are many others which I've learnt is why those who suffer from OCD but don’t display the “typical” symptoms (e.g. constant hand-washing, constant checking the door is locked), they’re less likely to get diagnosed or recognise that they suffer from the condition. I just want to say that if you’re reading this and are having these types of thoughts and are scared about them or think you’re a monster or a bad and horrible person, you are not! Please, please know that you’re not alone, please seek help! I may make another post specifically about this area some when along the line as like I said, it’s one of the most under-talked-about areas of OCD and it has so much information to it that I could talk about it for a long time so let me know if you would like me to do so! Next, Checking is an area of OCD where someone may worry or fear that they’ve done something or forgotten something so they keep going back to check. This can range from checking to see if they’ve locked the front door, turned the oven off, or dropped something, and it can go all the way to checking if they may’ve hit someone with their car and not know about it and so continuously go back to check or said something inappropriate so they may ask to seek reassurance from those they were with. Lastly, the Routines area of OCD can mean that someone may have certain anxieties surrounding how they do things and their routines throughout the day from how they get dressed, when they can go to the bathroom, how they walk through doors, cooking, etc. Those who suffer from this area of OCD may feel like they have to do something a certain way over and over again until “it feels right” (a common phrase used with OCD), no matter how long it takes.
As humans, we all want someone or something to blame when something happens especially when something goes wrong (don’t deny it, we all do it!) and that’s a human thing to do but who or what do you blame when it comes to OCD? Now I just want to put a disclaimer out there for other sufferers of OCD (and really any other illness) that you yourself are NOT TO BLAME! Okay? Read that sentence over and over again if you need to, tattoo it on yourself if it makes you feel better but you are not to blame for your mental illness. Your OCD is to blame for what it does to you and the effect it has on your life, it’s not your fault, it was out of your control, and you are not a bad person!
Like with most mental illnesses, there’s not one cause or reason for OCD to appear in someone, there are multiple and it’s different for everyone. The most common causes are: Biological, Genetics, Environmental, and Trauma. It can be one main factor but it could also be multiple, people and brains are fun like that! And once again because I’m an overachiever, the cause/s of my OCD can be potentially tracked down to 3 out of 4 of the areas that I mentioned (go me! 😂). Firstly, Biological refers to the chemicals in the brain and the brain’s wiring, someone with OCD has a chemical imbalance that can cause the disorder to appear. Now, I personally don’t know too much about this factor, or at least not enough to feel able to write about it but I do recommend researching this as there are many theories and interesting research going into the physical hardwiring of the brain where they explain what parts of the brain are affected by OCD which is helping the understanding of how the disorder works. Secondly, Genetics refers to DNA and how the DNA code for OCD can be passed on down through the family and from parents to their children; this can happen even if the parents of someone who suffers from the illness don’t have the condition themselves. Now because of social and generational differences, there may be family members who display certain characteristics of OCD but aren’t diagnosed because to them or “in their day”, they didn’t know much about mental illnesses, it wasn’t able to be discussed and talked about openly back then or because they don’t see it as a problem that needs looking into but that lack of diagnosis doesn’t mean that the disorder isn’t necessarily there. Thirdly, Environmental means that OCD can be a learned behaviour where someone may’ve watched someone with the illness or anyone really do a task (or compulsion) a certain way and the individual picked up on that behaviour, copied it, and/or adapted it to their own way of living. Lastly, Trauma, now you may wonder if this one falls into Environmental as it’s not a natural/biological factor, however, it is its own area due to how OCD can be triggered by perhaps a certain event in someone’s life. This traumatic event can therefore cause the brain, or the individual, to try and keep themselves safe where we might start engaging in certain behaviours and/or following certain thought patterns so that we can maintain a sense of control and safety. Don’t forget I’m not a professional so I may get things wrong, this is just what I’ve learnt and know about the disorder, please feel free to correct me or add any more helpful information in the comments below (please be respectful and polite)!
If you’ve made it here, CONGRATULATIONS! I know that was a long read (an understatement, I’m sorry!) but thank you so much for staying with it and reading the post (and if you’ve skipped, I see you 👀, go back and read it!)! I really hope you’ve learnt something new or at least understand OCD better now! Some final notes, please seek help if you or someone you know is showing signs or are worried that you may have OCD, you are not alone, you can get better, and you are not your OCD or your intrusive thoughts! And remember those who suffer from OCD don’t want to do the compulsions but feel like they have to do them. OCD is not a love of organisation or hand-washing, it’s a serious mental illness that has so many parts to it! It’s an isolating and torturous disorder that has made me personally feel so alone, dehumanised, and frightened. How can my own brain be so against me? How is it fair that I struggle to do basic life things? It makes me wonder, “Hey Universe, Did You Forget About Me?”
My next post will be out on the following Monday where I’ll be talking more about my life with OCD, my recovery, and more! Don’t forget to follow me on Instagram at @heyuniverseblog for more content and updates on new posts!
All the best ~
Emily 🌌
USEFUL INSTAGRAM PAGES:
@obsessivelyeverafter
@pureochrissie
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